The Long-Awaited Wedding Toast

I know all my readers have been sitting on the edge of their seats for the past few months, just waiting for me to post some clips from Trian's wedding. I may add a few later - but the most important video was my wedding toast (obviously). I've embedded it below. But first, a few words on a toast.

For those of you who dread the idea of standing in front of a large audience and giving a speech about your friend, then here are some tips to help:

1. Drink alcohol first - no, seriously. Don't get wasted or anything... but 2 or 3 drinks will begin to loosen you up a bit. Nothing ruins a toast faster then a guy whose voice is cracking more than when he went through puberty.

2. If you're not giving the only speech then write more then one version. Consider the following situation: You write a funny toast. But at the wedding, someone else gives a toast before you and they are much funnier than you will ever be in your lifetime. If you try to follow that act then you'll be ridiculed for the rest of the day. So write a funny toast, and a serious toast. That way you are prepared for anything. Luckily, everyone who went before me was very serious so I was allowed to bring the funny.

3. Consider your audience. You need to speak in a language that they understand. If there are a lot of old people at the wedding then don't bust out any ebonics. Likewise, don't go making sex/alcohol jokes to a bunch of bible-thumpers.

4. Memorize your speech (or at least most of it). Having note cards is fine, but don't stand there with your face in a book the whole time. Talk to the crowd.

5. Practice your speech to other people. This will let you iron out the kinks and make changes. I spent 2 weeks writing my speech and must have told it to 10 different people to find out what parts weren't funny enough.

6. Be careful of the content. This relates to #3. If you're a guy, you can make fun of the groom. If you're a girl, you can make fun of the bride. The closer you are to the person, the meaner you can be. But be careful not to cross the line. And be careful not to bring up that story about the hookers in Tijuana... because no one wants to hear about it.

And without further ado, here is my semi-acceptable wedding toast. Let the insults begin.

NOTE: The first 8 or 9 seconds have a still-image... then it fixes itself