Four Months - By Maggie Q

The following is another guest blog from Maggie Q. I'll respond to it in my next post.... because I definitely have a response...

Today we hit the magical four-month mark. (There's really nothing that magical about the four-month mark.) We’ve made it through a bunch of major holidays: Halloween, both our birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, and Valentine's Day. We didn't actually spend Thanksgiving or Christmas together (WAY TOO SOON) and I don't think we've actually been in the same city on our monthly anniversary.

Although I will mention that a week or two before Thanksgiving, Trip had remarked, "Well if you were staying in town, I'd just bring you home with me."

"Um, yeah...and meet your parents?" (Keep in mind we had only been dating for a matter of weeks at this point.)

"Oh. Right. Too soon."

Well, I did in fact meet the parents last month, and one of the three sisters (all three of them had friend requested me on Facebook… within weeks of our first date). Soon after that, we officially declared our relationship on Facebook. And I accepted all the sisterly friend requests, and his mother's too. I’ve also met the Frisbee friends, former coworkers, the college friends, and the high school friends.

So all is going well and I'll spare you the sappy details. Obviously then, the next logical step in the relationship occurred last weekend...when he begins a cupcake conversation without bringing me any cupcakes. (He did get me this ginormous slice of Godiva chocolate cheesecake for Valentine's Day, so I guess I'll let him slide on that.)

He asked me when I was thinking of having babies.

Translation in Maggie Q's head: "I want you to have my babies."

I would be lying if I said I expected this talk. At any time soon. Or even in another four months. If my initial reaction was an emoticon, it'd be this:

o.O

I think I hid my surprise pretty well. Maybe not. I mean, it's been a while (oh, maybe 4 years) since I've been in a long-term relationship, and maybe this is what happens when you date a guy who has just hit 30.

What I found more surprising is he then said he's been meaning to bring this up for "a while." Wait now… what's "a while"? We haven't even been dating for "a while"!

Anyway, what surprised me most was that after the initial shock, I wasn't as freaked out about the whole concept as I thought I would've been. Maybe that's what happens when you find a guy you really like and you just hit 29 (we're one year and 9 days apart).

Maybe there is something magical about the four-month mark.

Oh, and if you were wondering, we are not planning to have babies any time soon. And by “any time soon” I mean much, much longer than “a while.”

The end.

Corporate Monkeys Comic #20 - MORTAL KOMBAT!!!!!

Over the years we've tried our best to create "office" situations that are funny. Sometimes they are normal, and other times they are totally ridiculous.

Teaser: We have a stack of sketched comics somewhere that detail a monkey joining the organization and moving up through the ranks.

We always thought it would be funny if a Ninja worked in the office. But what ninja? How about Scorpion from Mortal Kombat??

Let's see how it turns out...

http://thecorporatemonkeys.com/comic_20.html

Warming Up the cupcake conversation

Relationships can be tough. There's a lot to learn, and not a lot of time to do it in. One wrong move and everything crumbles like...well.. like something that's really crumbly.

This is where I come in. Every time my deck of cards falls apart, I stop and think about what went wrong and how I can do it better in the future. Or, in some cases, I learn that some types of women should be avoided at all costs. And if my nugget of wisdom proves to have value then I try to pass it along to my faithful readers (hi trian) so they can avoid my pitfalls.

oh... cookies are crumbly... that would have been a good analogy up at the top there. oh well, maybe next time.

Where was I? Oh right, today's advice. As with all of my advice, I ask you to keep one thing in mind. I have no credibility whatsoever.

If you recall, I had written a post about the "cupcake" conversation (you can read it HERE). It was a way for you to tell your partner that you had something important to talk about without them thinking you were about to break up with them. Well, today it related to that.

If you're like me, then you have a hard time starting these important conversations. It's a delicate thing. You can't just jump in with the main point. You have to ease your way in. Remember, you have been thinking about this topic all day while your partner may be thinking about pizza.

Side note: Pizza is really awesome. Seriously. Probably my favorite food.

So to make sure that everyone is in the correct frame of mind, try warming them up with an opening bit. No, I don't mean like a comedy bit. I mean, think of your topic in the broad sense and talk about it generally before getting down in to specifics. Let's try to come up with an example.

Ok I don't know how well this will work but I'll give it a try.

Let's say that you really love Star Trek. You watch it all the time. You have the "action figures". You even dress up and go to the conventions. But your partner doesn't know this about you. All they know is that you like the show, and you've gotten them to watch it with you a few times.

Now, from past experience, you know that if they aren't cool with you doing all this Trekkie stuff then the relationship just won't last. And you really like them so you want it to last. And you decide that it's time to lay it all out to them and see how they respond.

Here are two ways that you could handle this:

1. Ask your partner to come over. Then answer the door in full Klingon regalia and brandish a bat'le (I think that's the right word... I haven't been a star trek enthusiast for about 15 years). How is that going to end? Possibly with them in therapy... Definitely with you being single.

2. You sit them down and start with an opening conversation about managing expectations. You warm them up with a topic that will get them in the right mindset You say something like this:

"I have a friend who recently moved in with his girlfriend. He had this cool room with all his movie posters and musical instruments and computers and stuff. It was a real man cave filled with the things that he was passionate about. But the moment his girlfriend moved in, she re-claimed the room for herself. She told him that he needed to grow up and forget this old stuff. And a few months later they broke up. They she just never accepted him for who he was and wanted to change him. If she had joined him in some of those interests then maybe they'd be happy today. But it could also be that he didn't properly tell her that he loved those things, so she didn't realize how important they were to him. They didn't manage each others expectations well. So I'd like to talk to you about something in hopes that we wouldn't wind up in that situation..."

Here is where you tell them how much you love Star Trek. Then you follow that up with explaining that you've found, from past relationships, that if your partner doesn't share your interest at all (hates the show, won't go to conventions, dress as an Orion Slave Girl in bed [pulled that one out just for Weng], etc) then the relationship probably won't survive.

You may still crash and burn with this attempt, but it has a much higher chance of working. You set the stage giving an example of someone else who has this kind of problem, and then ease your way in to explaining how important Star Trek is to you. Make sure to also explain that you hope they will go along with this because you really like them... but if they can't do it then you'd rather find out now before it's too late (been married for 10 years and have 3 kids).

So I guess that's really 2 pieces of advice. One, you need to manage expectations and effectively communicate things that are important to you. Two, you need to do it in such a way that it won't blow up in your face.

As always, if you have any questions that need answered, feel free to email me and I'll respond the best I can.

You have just read another edition of Ask The Experts

Advice for a First Date: A Woman's Perspective

NOTE:
The following is a guest blog written by Maggie Q. Yesterday I posted my version of this story so if you haven't read it yet then go HERE. Otherwise read on. I haven't changed anything except for replacing my actual name with my online name (Trip Thomas). I realize that my blog isn't exactly anonymous but I'd like to keep random googlers from finding it when they search for me.

A guest blog on dating & relationships, from Trip's much better half.

The boy suggested I write a guest blog on relationships.

So much to say on such a broad topic.

Does he want me to blog about relationships in general, or about our relationship in particular? Or about me? Well, maybe I'll talk about our first date so that the boys that read this can get some insight via a girl's point of view.

Let's see. So we met on the internet. Some people are embarrassed to admit this, and I'm really not, as it's pretty common these days and You've Got Mail with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan came out over a decade ago. I think. So while I'm not embarrassed about this, I admit that it's a pretty boring "how we met" story. Sometimes I like to say "We met at church. It was an abstinence workshop." Because knowing both of us, that would be an awesome "how we met" story.

(Some people don't get my humor because they can't tell if I'm joking or not. I totally abuse this.)

The truth is, we met in person for the first time in front of a Happy Harry's Drugstore. He was on his iphone, Facebooking, probably something about how he was about to go on a first date with this incredibly awesome girl he met on the internet and really hoped that she wasn't really fat.

Because some people post old pictures of themselves on their dating profiles from way before they got fat.

I was actually going to contact Trip a couple months before I actually did because I liked his dating profile. Until I saw that one of his photos was of him and an ex-girlfriend. Who does that?!

Anyway, we met in front of Happy Harry's. He had bought some gum at Happy Harry's because he was hoping that the date would go well, and then we would get to make out at the end. He never told me this, I just knew. All girls know this: whenever a guy offers you gum or a mint towards the end of a date, it means he wants to kiss you. Though I didn't know at the beginning of the date that that was what he bought at Happy Harry's.

I liked him right away. Turns out that some of the photos that HE posted on his profile were pretty old but luckily he hadn't gotten fat since they were taken. Because you know what? I don't go for fat guys either. I am sure somewhere in this blog he has rambled about how he doesn't date fatties. Or ugly chicks.

I already knew I would like him because he was the only guy I met online who made me laugh out loud over an email. It's amazing how many people out there can't write for shit and I'm a grammar snob, so it was refreshing to meet someone else who could not only write well but make me laugh really hard before we even met in person.

It was about a concept for a zombie "adult movie." I guess that was my pick-up line in response to something he said in his profile, and it got his attention. So I liked his personality and was really hoping that he wasn't a troll in person. I mean, I signed up for this dating website about a year ago now and had met 10 other guys in person before Trip. So I've had my share of guys who seemed cool over email and looked nothing like their profile picture. Like they've turned out fatter or have a full beard. Or are shorter than advertised.

Because I'm a total height snob too. But I put that in my dating profile. I've learned that guys who are under 6 feet tall tend to add about 2 inches to their actual height, whereas guys who are 6'1" or taller are usually truthful because they don't need to lie. I'm almost 5'9" but I put that I am 5'8". So when a guy who is 5'10" says that he is 6' it is SO obvious when we meet in person.

So this Trip guy was actually tall like he said he was. As I was saying, I already knew I really liked his personality and thought he was funny over email but was hoping he wasn't a troll. He wasn't a troll at all. I thought he was really cute but over the course of this first date, he tells me a few terrible jokes. But he was super cute so I laughed. There were some that were actually funny, but I still laughed at the ones that weren't so funny because he was cute.

It's kind of like when a guy is hitting on you at a bar. If he's hot, it really doesn't matter what the pickup line is. But if he's a troll, it also really doesn't matter what the pickup line is.

Then again, I have to admit that I like bad jokes. And bad movies too, like Snakes on a Plane. (That was hilarious! Yet so terrible!) So clearly we were meant for each other.

I think our first date lasted over 9 hours because we started at 3 in the afternoon at a pumpkin patch and corn maze, and kept wanting to do more stuff. So we also had dinner and then went to get some post-dinner/pre-movie drinks, then went to a movie.

By the end of the date, I could tell he liked me because of three things:
1. halfway through the date he had already asked me out to a second AND a third date. (Who does that?!) The second date involved meeting all his friends. I'm thinking he must really like me if he already wants me to meet his friends. Either that or he's some man-whore who always asks girls to meet his friends on the second date.
2. when we were trying to figure out what to do after dinner, he said "it's too bad we haven't been dating longer because..." This was with regards to carving the pumpkins; if we'd been dating longer, he would've invited me over to his place to carve the pumpkins. So I figured he *wasn't* a man-whore because if he was, he would've invited me over to his place on the first date. Right?
3. the gum thing. He offered me gum because he totally wanted to make out with me.

Of course by the end of the date there's that "do we kiss or not" moment. I like when it's the guy who makes the move because you aren't always sure if they like you or not. So the confusing part is that OBVIOUSLY this guy likes me, but he's not making the move. Later I find out it's because he's got the fear of going in for the kiss and having the girl kind of duck away, like when Jason Segal goes for Mila Kunis in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

Jesus, Trip. Man up!

Anyway, this first date story is from my point of view, right? So maybe even though it was obvious to me that he liked me, it wasn't obvious to him that I liked him. And I wanted to kiss him, dammit. I mean, this might just be me, but if there's no first date kiss then there is clearly not enough chemistry to warrant having a second date. Sure, go have a second date, but don't be surprised if he turns out to be a prude who apologizes when you brush hands. Screw that. Did I go onto this dating website to find my gay best friend? No.

So I kissed him because he wouldn't stop rambling about something, since he was being too much of a girl to make the first move. I'm not sure why he would think I didn't like him enough to want to kiss him, I mean there were plenty of bailout options throughout the date if I didn't like him.

A girl does not go out with a guy for 9 hours if she doesn't want to kiss him at the end of the date!!

Well that was about two months ago. I think it's only fair that we get Trip's side of the story now.

The end.

Advice for a First Date

Last week I asked Maggie Q (formerly known as Lucy Liu) to write a guest blog for my page. She decided to write about our first date, and that's all I know. I haven't read it yet because she asked me to write about the same topic and then post both stories for you kind readers. This is tough for me for two reasons. One, these days I only blog when I feel an inspiration. I feel that there's enough crap out there so I shouldn't add to it. Two, I try to write advice columns more than stories (because seriously, who wants to read my boring stories?).

Well, in the end I've decided to talk about how I prepared for our first date. I'll break down some advice and mix in the story of our first date. So let's get started.

There are 4 main aspects to a first date:
1. The initial meeting.
2. The main activity of the date.
3. More activities if things are going well.
4. How to end the date.


The Initial Meeting:
If you've met someone before, then this is easy. One of you can pick the other up, and head out to the main activity. However, if it's a blind date OR someone you met online (which is where I fit in) then you really have to pick a neutral meeting place. I once offered to pick a girl up for a first date and she freaked out - and alluded to the possibility that I was an axe murderer. So the best idea is to pick a main activity in the area that you both live, and just meet there. This is also good because if the date falls apart then you both have a means of escape.

Maggie and I hit it off so we weren't too worried about this. We met in front of a drug store (by her house) and I drove us to the date. I guess that is kind of weird. She just hopped in the car with a stranger. I should probably ask her about that.

The Main Activity:
There are two directions you can go with a main activity. You can take the safe approach and head to a bar/restaurant, or head out to do something out of the ordinary. I've had luck with both. It just depends on how comfortable you are with sitting face to face and carrying on a conversation. Going out and doing something different can leave a great impression on the girl and improve your chances of getting a second date. However, there's also a chance that you'll pick something that turns out to be really lame. The time of year also factors in to this decision. It's hard to find outdoor activities in the middle of winter.

When Maggie and I talked on the phone for the first time, I threw out a few questions to get ideas for our first date. She mentioned that she had never been to a corn maze but really wanted to go. Luckily there was one right in Delaware (and this happened to by the week before Halloween so our timing was perfect). The place had a corn maze, pumpkin picking, hay rides, etc. so I trusted that that could keep us occupied for a while. It was cool because we could walk around while we talked. We never had to have those awkward moments where you just look at each other with nothing to say.

Post-Activity activities:
If your date is going well then you may not want it to end, so you better have some more activities lined up. There's less pressure at this point so don't over-think it. You're already getting along well so you could just have a few bars or movies in mind. Still keep it neutral. Don't try to get her back to your place. Play it cool.

We hit the the corn maze in the afternoon, so when we left I asked her if she wanted to get dinner. Then, when dinner was a success we decided to follow that up with a movie. When all was said and done, our first date lasted about 8 hours.

The End of the Date:
Ok, you made it through at least one activity without the girl running away in an offended rage. Whether you're taking her back home, or just bidding adieu at the neutral meeting place, there's always the same question; how do you say goodbye? Kiss? Hug? Handshake? Fist Pound? Books and movies will give you a thousand clues to look for but it really comes down to one thing. Is she lingering there in front of you, or trying to get away? If you're standing 2 feet apart making awkward small talk while she stares into your eyes then you have the green light for a kiss. If you're not sure then go for the hug. There's not much worse than going in for a kiss when she's closed for business. I will sometimes give commentary on the moment, to lighten the mood. "So here we stand at that crucial moment. Should we go in for the awkward hug?" Of course that can backfire and ruin your chances at a kiss. This one is really up to you. Use your judgement.

I seem to recall the end of my night being a little awkward. We made small talk for a few minutes (because there was a car parked next to where we were standing and they were staring at us). In the end, she leaned in for the kiss before I had a chance to make my move. I like a woman who doesn't just stand there waiting for the guy.

Reflections:
As first dates go, this one ranks pretty high. She laughed at my jokes, we didn't really have awkward pauses, and we're still dating today. None of that is a surprise, of course. This is the girl who had originally emailed me (on the dating website) and basically asked about my thoughts on "zombie porn movies". I knew we'd hit it off :-)

So now I am going to finally read her blog that she sent me. I'll post that one up tomorrow or later in the week.

Corporate Monkeys Comic #19: Christmas 2010

As I've said in the past, we keep sketching new comic ideas but Trian has just been too busy to make them into real comics. Well this time I decided to take matters in to my own hands and draw one myself. Please understand that while I am very good at making the dialog and storyline of a comic, I can't really draw. So this kinda sucks. But it's a step in the right direct, yeah??

Anyway - go check out our 3rd Christmas Comic and show me some love here in the comments

http://thecorporatemonkeys.com/comic_19.html

Emailing while angry

I'd like to share some advice that I learned the hard way. It's going to seem really simple, and yet very few people actually adhere to it.

In the past month I almost did something very rash. I won't get in to specifics, because that's not the point. I was talking about my situation to a friend and at the end of it all she cautioned me to refrain from doing anything stupid (Come on. Me? Do something stupid?? phaw...). So I told her that I have made it a point to never make any big decisions when I'm feeling emotional about something. I try to sit and wait until I can think objectively. And I do this because one time I didn't follow this advice. I like to call it, Rob's Dumbest Action Ever.

I apologize if I've told this story before. I looked through and couldn't find it.

This story, like so many that have come before it, begins with a girl. And not just any girl. She was THE girl. The one you chase forever, and never catch. The one you secretly know is too good for you. The one that could burn you a million times and yet you'd come back for more. Yeah, she was that girl. We'll call her, Rose.

In high school, we were distant friends. In college, I started pursuing her even though she attended a different school. I nearly caught her once or twice. Every time I would declare my hunt to be at a hopeless end, she would throw out a hook and grab me again. Did she do it because she liked the attention? Or did she actually have feelings for me? Maybe she liked the game.

Well, this continued after college. I believe I was even bold enough to declare my love a few times (gee, what girl doesn't want to hear that from a random friend?) but she would always shut me down. She had a boyfriend. She lived too far away. The time just wasn't right.

So one day I decided to give it one last try. One of my clients was having a fancy Christmas party, so I called Rose up and told her that I needed a trophy date. She said yes. Maybe this time I would finally win the game. And I asked her over a month in advance so she couldn't claim to have something else going on that night.

Here's a summary of what happened in the next month:

5 weeks until party:
Rose says that she has to do some traveling for work but should be back long before the party. She's excited to show me the great dress she has for the occasion.

4 weeks until the party:
Her business trip may take longer than expected. She should have details in a few days. But she's still optimistic.

3 weeks until the party:
She doesn't answer when I call. No word from her in a bit. I'm starting to get worried.

2 weeks until the party:
She's now traveling and isn't sure if she'll get back in time, but she promises to let me know at least a week before the party so I have time to find someone else.

1 week until the party:
No word from her yet.

3 days until the party:
She leaves me a voicemail that says "I wanted to talk to you about the party. Call me back" but doesn't say anything about her availability.

At this point, I flip out. I'm pretty sure she was calling to flake out on me again. All of my frustrations, from chasing her for 5 years, come washing over me at once. I am a seething ball of hatred.

I'm just to angry to call her and yell at her so I write an email. And this isn't an ordinary email. I'm determined to make Rose feel as bad as I feel right now. I just unload. I create an artistic masterpiece of abuse. I feel like someone reached in to my chest and ripped out my heart... and my message to her tries to do the same thing.

Then I hit send.

Well, jumping ahead a little, I go to the party alone and everything works out fine in the end.

But about a month later something occurs to me. I never actually found out what she wanted to talk to me about. I don't actually know if she was going to tell me that she wouldn't make it back in time. I never bothered to call and find out.

...and to this day she won't tell me. We aren't really friends anymore. We never will be friends again, I imagine.

I should feel bad about sending that email, and I do... but at the same time I figure that even if she had been able to come to my party then she would have let me down on another day. So that email would have been sent eventually. I consider it good fortune that I was able to break the spell she had on me early enough to move on.

Of course, I learned two very important lessons from this experience.

1. Never act when you're still in the situation. Either try to think objectively, or remove yourself until you can.

2. Be wary of what you type in an email. You can't take those words back. They will exist "on paper" possibly forever.

So please take my advice.

Homemade Egg Nog

Anyone who reads my blog knows that I freakin love Christmas. I watch a million Christmas movies, make Christmas cookies, and just generally ooze holiday cheer. But there's one thing that I've always felt bad about. I buy Egg Nog from the store instead of making it myself. So this year I fixed that, and I wanted to share it with you all.

Here is how you make Egg Nog.

The following recipe makes about a Half Gallon of Egg Nog (good enough for 2 people to enjoy for an evening). An important thing to remember is that after you make it, you have to leave it in the fridge over night... so prepare accordingly.

Ingredients:

6 large eggs

1 cup of white rum

1 lb of sugar

1 pint milk

1 pint heavy whipping cream

1 pint of bourbon

Pinch of Baking Soda

Nutmeg

Preparation:

1. Beat egg yolks and whites separately, and then pour together.

2. Add the rum, sugar, and a pinch of baking soda and beat all together into a stiff batter.

3. Add the milk, whipping cream and bourbon.

4. Stir and refrigerate overnight. Before serving, stir and add nutmeg. 

NOTES:
- You may want to add a little less alcohol at first. You can always add more later, but if you add too much in the beginning then you have to start adding other ingredients to even it out.


- Use an Electric Mixer so that you will ensure that those eggs REALLY get beaten thoroughly.


- If it's not thick enough for you then mix up some more milk, cream, and sugar and then add it to the Egg Nog.

We Need to Talk

It's time to get back to my area of expertise: Love and Relationships.

...ok, I'll wait until the laughter dies down...

...No? Not done yet? Maybe I'll go get a soda...

...Alright seriously, just stop laughing now it's not that funny...

Anyway. Recently I've been dating a new girl. Let's call her Lucy Liu.

Side note - is it racist that I'm dating an asian girl and used an asian celebrity as her nom de plume? Should I call her Helen Mirren instead?

So Lucy and I send a lot of text messages to each other throughout the day. After about 3 dates I sent her the message "I'll call you on my way home from work - I need to talk to you about something"

Well, this worried her. She said I sounded very ominous. In the end, I just needed to clear up a miscommunication we'd had. It wasn't a big deal. I didn't want to have "The Talk" (or any of the big talks, for that matter).

And this brings us to the point of my blog. How do you tell someone that you need to talk about something important without them thinking that you're going to break up with them? There has to be some middle ground between "hey hold on a sec I have a question" and "I think it's time we had a talk".

But what is it? How can one express the need to have an important conversation (that is perhaps on the negative side) without making the other person think they are going to be eating TV dinners alone tomorrow?

I propose we start using the word CupCake. Yes, cupcake.

If you tell someone that you need to have a "cupcake conversation" then it means you need to talk about something kind of important but not necessarily relationship-threatening.

Think about it. Just picture 2 people sitting at a table eating cupcakes. It's a pleasant thought, isn't it? They might be talking about the war in Iraq, or just which Backstreet Boy is the dreamiest (I vote Nick... that's one of them right?).

And I encourage you to include an actual cupcake when you have a cupcake conversation. If you're going to talk about something semi-important then you might as well "bring an offering"

You know, I had intended this to be a serious blog post about this topic... but then I looked over at a box of cupcakes Lucy gave my yesterday... and I just got derailed. So please look past the fluff and see that there is a serious relationship issue that plagues americans every day.

This has been a public service announcement by Trip Thomas.

Return of the Corporate Monkeys

So we've spent a while now trying to get back in to the swing of things. How can the Corporate Monkeys become famous if we never post new comics? Well that is going to change RIGHT NOW.
Here is the first new one. I know it's only stick figures but I kind of liked it that way. The style fits the content. I came up with this one after finishing grad school in August. (in fact, if you read my blog then you already saw me post this last month)
We're going to try to get a Halloween comic up this week... wish us luck...
 
http://thecorporatemonkeys.com/comic_18.html

Zombie Squirrel VS Zombie Blue Jay

While talking about something random through facebook, a friend posed the question: Who would win in a fight? A zombie squirrel or a zombie blue jay?

It's a question asked in job interviews - and lets the interviewer analyze your deductive reasoning. Ever since that day I've been thinking about my answer. And I came up with 2 of them.

The first answer is that it's a trick question and neither of them would win. When was the last time you saw 2 zombies fighting each other? They don't. They just want to eat living flesh. And even when multiple zombies are eating one person, you don't see much in-fighting among them.... which certainly should be researched a little more... because it's an interesting topic. But I digress...

Let's go ahead and assume that there is some magical reason for the two to fight. Here are the important bits...

1. How do you define "win" ? They are already un-dead and lack the cognitive ability to retreat or surrender. So I guess you go with the universal killing method: Remove the Head or Destroy the Brain.

2. Are we talking about traditional George Romero zombies? Or Zack Snyder zombies? One is slow, lumbering, and uncoordinated. The other is fast and rabid, like the "infected" in 28 Days Later (Not the Sandra Bullock movie).

3. What kind of physiological shape are they in at the beginning of the fight? Any gaping head wounds? Does the squirrel have the use of his claws? Can the bird fly and use its talons?

The bird has a beak. That could be used to poke through the squirrel's eye and destroy the brain. But the squirrel has those strong teeth that could gnaw off the bird's neck and remove the head. So they both have a weapon here.

Even if the bird can fly, which I doubt it can, it's going to break a wing in this fight. Then it's on the ground. And once that happens, the squirrel's superior reflexes are going to give it a major advantage.

The only chance the bird has at winning is if it can swoop in and take the squirrel out on its first try.

I think there are just too many advantages here for the squirrel. Unless something out of the ordinary happens, that squirrel is gonna be the victor.

Any have other thoughts?

If you like reading Sci-fi/Fantasy...

I have a friend. Well, I mean, I have lots of friends. Tons. More than you can shake a stick at. Maybe even 2 sticks. Possibly even a small branch. Loads and loads of friends.

...What? No I'm not insecure!

Um, but anyway. This particular friend is Bob Roman. Let me pull a Stephen King and give you a peak at the end of this blog before embarking on my rambling story. You see, Bob is a newly published author. You can buy his e-books off of Amazon.com and I think they are pretty good. So I'm here to shamelessly plug his stuff (that's what she said?). If you want to skip my fascinating story then jump to the links at the bottom.

Ok back to the beginning.

Once upon a time, I worked with Bob doing IT stuff. He was the very definition of a Jack-of-all-Trades, and let me tell you, his knowledge was vast. Bob had this uncanny ability to block out the world and attack a problem until he solved it (or until dinner time - whichever came first).

Side note: If you asked him where he was during the fall of the Berlin Wall he would look at you quizically. But if you ask about the great server crash of November 9, 1989 you'll get a detailed account of his whereabouts. Yeah - he's that focused. (ok maybe I'm making that up)

Some time after Bob left the company I was working at, he decided to become a science teacher. Go back to school for it? Get a new degree? Nah - Bob just knew that stuff already. He simply walked in to a high school and, taking a page from Chuck Norris, Round-house kicked a few of the administrators. And so he became a teacher.

(And Bob said "Let there be light [in childrens' minds]" ...and it was good)

Then Bob said he'd like to be an author. He simply stared at the pages and they got so scared that the words just appeared out of thin air. Before you could say "Republicans are big jerk-faces who eat babies" he had finished a few short stories and at least one full novel. Unfortunately, Bob hadn't considered how hard it is to get a publishing company to sell your story to the world. So did he give up? Crawl into a corner and cry? More Round-house kicks? No. Bob just concentrated real hard, and suddenly a new publisher came into existence. They were called Decadent Publishing - and they loved Bob. And thus he became a published author.

Wow I'm going on and on about random stuff without actually getting to the point today. Let's move on to the books.

Fae Eye for the Golem Guy:

The first short story I read is called Fae Eye for the Golem Guy. It's a romantic action fantasy comedy. There's a man, who is actually a Golem, who's in love with a girl, who is actually a Fairy-type being, but they both think the other person doesn't want to give them the time of day. Throw in some art theives, gold paint, and a "fairy" Godfather and you have a really fun story. Start with this one. For $2.99 you can't beat it.
Link To Amazon Page

Road Mage:

A very short story with motorcycles and wizards. Here is the plot from Amazon.

Jason Rodriguez is a CSI with a checkered past, struggling to live an honest life on the side of the angels. Literally. Jason is more than just a CSI, he's also a Mage. His magical powers are put to the test when he discovers that Paul Dunn, the city's most decorated officer, is actually a psychopathic Death Mage, 'solving' crimes by framing others for the murders he commits. Jason can't let Paul keep getting away with it. Paul can't let Jason keep breathing knowing what he knows.
Link to Amazon

The Strange Fate of Capricious Jones

The Triple Alliance, led by Kaiser Otto II, struck without warning. The combination of Prussian military might, Austrian clockwork, and Ottoman funding cut through the unprepared Entente powers like a chainsaw through Brie; hamstringing Britain, pinning Russia, and very nearly destroying France. The year is 1908, and the Entente is almost defunct. One base in the south of France is all that remains in Entente hands. All that remains to defend freedom are three Engineers. One is an ingenue. One is crippled. One is dead.
Link to Decadent Publishing

Lastly, you can check out his website for interviews and news (and please send him comments about the lack of artwork and color on the site)

http://www.robertcroman.com

Here is his author page at amazon.com
http://www.amazon.com/Robert-Roman/e/B00421EWRK/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_1

And the publisher website (if you want to find more stuff like Bob's) is
http://www.decadentpublishing.com/

Now quit being a slouch and go buy something! At $2.99-ish per story you just can't beat it!

Master Master Rob - he likes them apples

A few weeks ago I was watching TV and caught Good Will Hunting. Something about that movie has always confused me, but I was afraid to bring it up in case no one else was confused by the same thing. Of course, I've since stopped caring if I look stupid (lord knows it happens often enough). I'd rather just have the answer.  So I figured the best way to get my answer was to blog about it.

Then, while pondering how I would write the blog entry, I finished grad school. How interesting! I'm thinking about writing a blog about a movie about college, and I finish college in the process. I should probably tie those 2 topics together.

But wait, there's more! I pitched a rough idea for a new comic (yeah, we do still make them... just not always post them) about graduating from school in these tough economic times, and then Trian draws it that same night!

Well, all these things together make it easy to write a blog entry. Let's start with Grad School, shall we?

About 2 weeks ago I finished my second Masters degree. It took 3 years, and more money than I care to talk about, but I am now the proud owner of a MBA (Masters of Businessy Stuff) and a MIS (Masters of IT and Businessy stuff mixed together).

After finishing undergrad I went into the workforce for a few years, and I think that had a huge effect on my view of grad school. In most classes I found that I knew the material already. At times this was great because I could go deeper into the material and get into some really cool discussions with my professor (like how Low-cal foods don't test well in marketing, but low-cal drinks do great) but other times I would tell the teacher that I couldn't sit through the subject matter and needed to go home (like the day they were going to teach the classes what a database is....ugh....).

In the end, I learned a lot about how to be a manager, but I feel like grad school was a little unnecessary. And this is where Good Will Hunting comes into the blog. Because everyone's favorite quote is....

"See, the sad thing about a guy like you is in 50 years you're gonna staht doin some thinkin on your own and you're gonna come up with the fact that there are two certaintees in life. One, don't do that. And Two, you dropped a hundred and fifty grand on a fuckin education you coulda got for a dollah fifty in late chahges at the public library" - Matt Damon

I could have bought a few books on management and read them on the weekends and I probably would have learned just as much. Of course, you don't go to school for the information - you go for the diploma - you go so that you can put those acronyms on your resume.

But backing up. The thing that confuses me about Good Will Hunting was in the quote above. "One, don't do that" ... does he mean that you shouldn't belittle a guy when he's hitting on a girl in a bar? Or was it a more general "don't do that" about life? Was he being deep? Or am I reading in to it too much?

So what's left here? Oh yeah... that comic. One morning I was telling Trian that a funny idea for a comic would have to go with graduating from school during a recession. So he took my general joke (which was more specific than this description) and sketched up a comic. He only intended it to be a rough draft but everyone I've shown it to has agreed that it's really good just like it is. So I think I'll share it. Feel free to heap praise upon him.

(Click to Embiggen)

NOTE: I stole "click to embiggen" from Patrick Rothfuss

Roommate Ramblings: part 6

My old roommate doesn't always say things that are hilarious. Sometimes he just says things are just plain wrong. I mean the kind of things that you try your best to forget afterwards. So what do I do? I put those fantastic one-liners into my blog :-)

Let me set the stage for this latest perfection in awkwardness.

A few of my old co-workers get together periodically for drinks after work. There were five of us at the table: My old roommate, an ex-female co-worker, another ex-female co-worker and her husband, and myself.

Um, by "ex-female co-worker" I mean a female who used to be my co-worker... and not a co-worker who used to be female. I just thought that would be important to mention.

One of the women is pregnant, so we're all talking about babies and child-birth and .... um.... [snore] sorry I started to nod off while writing this. Let's just say we were talking babies and leave it at that.

The conversation moved to the topic of traditional births versus C-sections, and how the weight of the child factored into the decision. And that's where we enter the conversation...

Nonpregnant Ex-coworker: My little brother was 10 pounds when he came out and my mom didn't have a C-section.

Pregnant Ex-coworker: Oh my god. I don't even want to think about what that would do to your body.

Nonpregnant Ex-coworker: Well, it was her 4th child.

Pregnant Ex-coworker: Oh well that's different. You couldn't do that for a 1st child. But by the 4th...

[My ex-roommate has been sitting there trying to find a way to join the conversation]

Ex-Roommate: Yeah... 4th child... 10 pounds was probably nothin. That kid probably slid right out then.

At this point we all paused to consider the fact that he had just made a comment about the size of the "birth canal" of our friend's mother.

The conversation took a swift turn to a new topic at this point.

And thus endeth today's edition of Roommate Ramblings.

Sticks and Stones

Lately I've been thinking about the power of words. Choosing the right word in the right situation can make the difference between success and failure. The problem is that words are complicated, and their connotations are largely subjective. You have the definition of a word (or multiple definitions). Then you have the vernacular usage of a word. And you better not forget the perceived emotional effect from a word, which can differ between the speaker and the listener.

...and we wonder why our collective vocabulary shrinks with each generation.

Of course, I have a specific situation that I've been thinking about. But let's look at some generalities.
The easiest example of this is when you have a word which means nothing to one person but has great meaning to another. For instance, the "N" word (referring to black people) has no real meaning to me. I grew up in a time, and place, where racism didn't really come into play in every day life. So that word has no significance to me. But if I were to say that word to a black person who lived through segregation then they may become very upset.

I think a word that is closer to my generation is "gay". When I was growing up, a standard insult was to say that something, or someone, was "gay". It was a catch-all insult to mean anything we wanted. I don't think we ever made a real connection between that word and homosexuality. It was just something we said. But today I actually have some friends who identify themselves as gay, and some of them aren't happy with how casually it's thrown around. So do we need to stop saying it? Do they need to lighten up? Maybe both. Maybe neither. (Of course I could point out that the word didn't always refer to homosexuality, so I could claim that they stole it... and we want it back)

How about cultural differences? If you go to other countries, perhaps Ireland, then there's a decent chance that someone in a bar will call you a "c*nt". It's just a normal word they use. But if I called an American woman that then I'll get slapped.

Part of me wants to talk about Chris Rock here. He does some great stand-up routines delineating black people from N-words and gay people from F-words. Or I could talk about the funny scene in Boondock Saints where Willem Dafoe calls his gay lover a F-word for wanting to cuddle after sex. But I'm just too lazy to get in to all that.

Really, I'm thinking about much simpler words. I know someone that confused me for a while. In our first long conversation, she said that I was "gross" multiple times and also called some things "offensive" (and I didn't think that I was being either of those things). And yet she kept talking to me. Why was that? If I became offended by someone then I'd probably keep my distance from them.

So it took a while to realize that she throws those words around with less meaning than I do. They seem to be her fall-back descriptions... or even how she flirts with guys.

Well anyway. My point is that everyone should take an extra minute to consider how people process the words that you say them. Conversely, think about how you process words and whether you should make an effort to change it. Because the old adage, "stick and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" is just plain false.

In Memory of Jeremy Steinberg

For the past week my morning routine has changed. Just as I leave the house to go to work I stop by my car and pause to look around. I hear the birds and insects. I see neighbors walking their dogs. I feel the warmth of the sun. So I just stand there and take it all in for a minute.

I try to take the time to appreciate life a little more, because not everyone does. I try to be thankful every morning that I wake up to live another day, because not everyone wakes up. I try to get the most out of life...

...because Jeremy Steinberg cannot. He passed away on Friday May 14, 2010. He had recently turned 29.

Jeremy was probably the smartest kid I ever knew. He was our high school Valedictorian. Back when I was using computers just to play video games, he was trying to write his own operating system (it would be another 6 years before I learned how you'd do that... and I still couldn't tackle it).

One semester we sat together at lunch. I remember struggling with some pre-calc homework and jeremy just glanced at my page and mumbled the answers without even having to think about it. He had the soft voice of someone who had never yelled in their life.

There will always be one story that stands out for me. Jeremy and I drove together to a summer league game (ultimate frisbee) in 1999 or 2000. We sat in silence. All of a sudden I looked up and asked, "You ever think about getting a tattoo?" and Jeremy just looked at me. I pointed over to a tattoo parlor we were passing at that moment. He said he never really thought about it. We sat in silence a little longer and then he asked "You ever think about becoming a stripper?" I didn't know what to say. He just pointed over to a strip club that we were passing. It was the hardest I had ever laughed in my life. There are some things you just don't expect to come out of a person's mouth.

Since high school, I'm not sure how often I saw him. Jeremy went off to Duke. I'm sure we were at some of the same parties over the years. But after college he moved to Wisconsin and that was it.

If you're friends with him on facebook then go check out his page. It's filled with people posting their memories of him. It really shows how many lives he touched over the years.

Jeremy, you will be missed.

Here are some pics that I had lying around.

Romanticizing Past Relationships

Once again, TV has taught me a valuable life lesson. And I would like to share it with you all.


When it comes to break-ups, people tend to fall into one of two categories. You either cut that person out of your life or you try to remain friends. I've always gone the "friends" route. My view is that you shared some part of yourself with that person, and created a connection, so there's no reason to let that go to waste. Some of my very close female friends were once my girlfriend.

Understandably, there is a problem that sometimes arises. We've all gone through this. After a relationship ends, you often begin to forget the bad things that happened. You try to focus on the good things. So after a while you think, "Hey why did we break up in the first place?" or "Maybe we should try again." But I would say that 90% of the time this ends in disaster. All those problems will come rushing back the first time you have an argument. No, it's best to let Ex-partners remain in the past.

So what can we do to help prevent this situation? The TV show How I Met Your Mother gave us an answer.

Write a letter to your future self.

Right after a break-up, sit down and write a letter to yourself that details every reason that the two of you broke up. Make sure to place emphasis on all of the bad stuff. Every annoying habit. Just get it all out.

Not only will this serve as good therapy, but it can prevent you from making a big mistake later on in life.

And thus endeth Rob's Relationship Advice of the day.

Charging my Duracells

At this point in life I think everyone has taken a Meyers-Briggs personality test, so I will refrain from explaining it. Whenever professors talked about it in college (during my short run as a Psych major... because I soon found out that "Psych" meant "psychology" and not "psychic") I was always interested in the differences between introverts and extroverts. To me, that's such a fascinating thing.

In its simplest form, the extravert is the loud person in the middle of the party, while the introvert is the wall-flower back in the corner (not Jacob Dylan). But that's a very situational, and relative, view. Given different circumstances, they can easily switch places (make it a D&D party and all bets are off).

No, what really interests me is something else that my professor told me. He said that the easiest way to determine someone's place on the I/E scale is to see how they "recharge their batteries". An extreme extrovert relaxes by surrounding themselves with people and excitement, and the extreme introvert locks themselves away in their bedroom so they can be alone with their thoughts and Dragon Ball Z toys (I'm allowed to make jokes because I'm often an introvert).

Last summer I spent a week at the beach. I didn't drive anywhere. I hardly wore shoes. I didn't move anywhere fast. It was probably the most relaxed I've ever felt in my entire life. By the end of the week I had absolutely no stress running through my mind.

Then, last week I went to Las Vegas. For 3 days I did nothing but "go go go". Always moving, drinking, gambling, etc. I was a complete mess by the time I came home (but in a good way).

So here's the interesting part. After the beach, I hated going back to work. I didn't want to get up. I didn't want to enter the "rat race" again. All I wanted to do was lay around.

Conversely, after Las Vegas, I was refreshed and ready to head back to work. (after taking an extra day to sleep A LOT).

Maybe it's because I pushed myself so far in Vegas that a normal workday is easy to handle. Or perhaps the beach lowered my stress levels so much that returning to work was a huge shock to the system.

Or maybe...just maybe... I have an extrovert hiding in me somewhere...

And now I pose the question to my audience: How do you recharge your batteries? And how do you feel when you head back to work?

Orwellian States: Democrat or Republican?

I had a moment this week where I experienced many emotions at once...well, within the span of 30 seconds. They went in this order: Fear, Anger, Humor, Confusion. Allow me to explain (and not in the usual meandering sort of way).

At work, I sit in a cubicle. The walls are thin (and short) so I can hear the conversations of my neighbors. One person, in particular, brings me almost daily entertainment. He is a smart guy and also a hardcore, Glenn Beck loving, republican. Every morning he walks up to my neighbor and gives her some new reason why the world is going to end at the hands of democrats. Personally, I think both sides of the political aisle are awful so I get a kick out of this. Plus, now and then he says something that I hadn't heard before, which leads me to do some fact checking.

But I digress.

During one morning rant, this guy says that [whatever his issue of the day was] was going to lead the country to an Orwellian State. Now, for any people out there living under a rock, he's talking about a pretty good book called 1984, written by George Orwell. If you've never read it then go check it out. And then let me know if you would have "loved" big brother.

First came the fear: Oh no! He invoked the "O" term! Protect our rights! Freedom is NOT slavery!

Next came anger: What? But I supported what the democrats did in this situation (this might have been about healthcare reform)! How dare he say this!

Then humor: I usually think of Republicans when I picture an Orwellian State. It's funny that they think of Democrats.

Finally, confusion: Wait a minute - so which political party is more likely to lead there?

Granted, it's been over 10 years since I read 1984 but here's what I remember. It was a government that routinely makes up fake wars to try and unite the populace. It was a place where Big Brother was always watching, and the secret police could grab anyone they wanted in the name of national security. It was a world where not even your thoughts were safe.

Well, under a republican president we invaded a country for no reason. We got the Patriot Act and countless instances of abuse of power by government agencies. Plus the number of police cameras in public places grew dramatically. Not to mention republicans want everyone to follow their set of morals and values (from the bible)... which basically means they want to control your thoughts.

My only argument for blaming an Orwellian State on democrats is that they want to make the government bigger and bigger until it runs everything.

So I want to poll my 5 readers. Which political party is going to lead us to an Orwellian State? 

When smart people do dumb things

I had a random memory pop up this week.

When I was a kid I loved video games. I played them ALL THE TIME. Nintendo, Sega, even computer games (I was a Monkey Island master). But do you remember text games on the computer? I mean the ones that said "You're in a room with 2 doors. What do you do?" and then you type things like "go south." or "Pick up the gun". Sometimes there were animations to help and sometimes just long text descriptions. They were a lot of fun.

Well, I have a friend. I'll call him Luke Perry. He was a smart guy. I mean, I think I'm a smart guy too... but Luke was also focused. He was the kind of guy that actually went home from school and did his homework. Weird, right? Anyway, I was at Luke's house one day and he was playing one of these games. It may have been Hugo's House of Horrors. He was stuck in this one spot of the game and couldn't move forward. He didn't know what to do. He looked at all the objects and walked in all the rooms. I think he was looking for a key to open a door and just couldn't find it. So he's standing in a kitchen (in the game) and getting very frustrated.

Me: Have you checked the cabinet for the key?

Luke: The stupid game doesn't know what a cabinet is... it must not open.

Me: ...What?

Luke: It doesn't open. Watch.

[Luke types "open cabnet" and the game responds with some answer that it doesn't understand]

Luke: See? The stupid game doesn't know what it is.

Me: Maybe it would know what it is if you spelled it correctly. c-a-b-i-n-e-t.

Luke: ....oh

Ok so it's not that funny of a story. But it made me laugh for 2 reasons. One, This guy was always doing well in school and so it was nice to have something to hold over his head. Two, it just made me think of how primitive games were back then.

Boy, this blog post wasn't very good. I'll do better next week.

Overheard Ramblings #1

This is a snippet of conversation I heard last night in a movie theater in Philadelphia. We were watching the trailer for the Karate Kid remake (starring Jayden Smith).

Person 1: You know I think that's Will Smith's son.

Person 2: Who?

Person 1: Will Smith. You know... the Fresh Prince of Bel Air?

Person 2: Oh that's right.

[pause]

Person 2: He's from Philly right?

Person 1: Yeah I think so.

Person 2: Where?

[pause]

Person 2: South Philly?

Person 1: No I think it was West Philly.

Person 2: Oh ok.

These people were sitting right behind me. I nearly spit out my soda.

I would never survive in the wilderness...

As we become more technically advanced, life gets easier. We flick a switch to make light. We turn a knob to get hot water. We press a button to speak with someone on the other side of the world.

I've heard many people say that the downside of all this is that if we ever lose our technology then we'll be helpless. What if a giant sunburst knocked out all of the power plants in the country? Would you know what to do without electricity? What if you were left on a desert island like Tom Hanks in Castaway? I doubt that I'd make it out alive.

These are the things that run through my head after an interesting moment this morning. I dropped off my car for service (stupid pot holes all over the place) and they gave me a rental car for the day. It was early, and I was late for work, so I just hopped in and drove off.

Well, when I got to work I got out of the car and went to press the button on the key remote to lock the doors. But as I looked down, there was no remote there. Weird. Ok, so I figured I would just have to do it the old fashioned way and press the "lock" button on the inside of the door. But when I opened the door there was no button.

I swear I stood there for at least 5 seconds in panic. How the hell am I going to lock the car?? There's no button!! How do the doors lock??

I had to reach back in to my memories to a time when I had a car with manual locks. Then I slowly walked to each door and pressed down the lock.

No wonder I never made it to the end of Boy Scouts.

New jobs aren't so scary anymore

As I begin my second week with the new company (to rename nameless on this blog for anti-search purposes), I find myself reflecting back to the first week at my last job.

It was 2004. After graduating in May, I spent the next few months working for my father's construction company. And then I started with Symbiosys. My main responsibility in the beginning was just tech support so it shouldn't have been so bad. But as everyone knows, you don't know nuttin about nuttin when you get out of college.

It was pretty scary. I was trying to learn real-world IT skills, while learning how to act like an adult in an office, while learning how businesses worked (they have acronyms for everything). In my 2nd week I nearly got fired for making a joke to the wrong person.

It's like the first day of kindergarten. You get herded in to this place called "school", where you have to keep your clothes on, stay awake, and only play with the toys when they let you. So traumatic.

Anyway - This new job wasn't nearly as bad. After being with Symbiosys for 5 years, I've learned a ton of real world IT skills. I've also been working in a corporate business all that time. Oh, and then the whole grad school thing.

As I sat down in my "intro" meetings, I was able to understand everything they were doing right away. I had dealt with it all before. And I even made a few good suggestions for some things we were working on.

If you look back to some of my old posts, you'll notice that I often felt like I was cheating my employers. That one day they would come in and say "Ok Rob, we figured you out. You don't actually know anything. You're fired." and I'd just say "Well, I had a good run"

...but I don't feel like that anymore.

So the moral of the story is that you shouldn't be afraid to start a new job, because you're probably more qualified than you think.

Allowable screw-ups in relationships

Sorry for the absence. A few years ago I decided to only blog when inspiration hit me. Unfortunately, I'm not the most oft inspired individual.

So I've been exclusively dating a woman for a few months now. To follow my normal pattern, let's call her Zooey. It's been strange, going through this process. I'd been mostly single for the past year and a half. And before that I was in a relationship for eleventy-billion years.

I've found that there's a "dance" that both people perform in the beginning. You try to show them who you really are... but mostly the good parts. You try to share everything about you... but mumble through the skeletons.

We do this because a relationship in its early stages is a precarious thing. One wrong word, One bad move, and it can all come apart.

This, of course, is the most obvious on a first date. Think about it. You're sitting there at dinner having a nice conversation, when all of a sudden she/he brings up a taboo topic. Politics, sex, religion, ex-partners... it doesn't matter which one... she/he's committed a cardinal sin. The night ends and you decide not to call them back.

Why?

Because you can only gain so much interest in someone in one date. That's really what it comes down to. Let's say that for every positive date you have with someone, your interest increases by one "unit". And for every bad experience in a date, your interest lowers by one "unit". This means that you can only raise one unit in a date (usually being counted at the end of the night) but you can certainly dig yourself deeper and deeper by messing up.

Then there's the weighting scale. Becoming exclusive with someone can be worth at least 10 or 20 units. Then milestones like "I love you", engagement, marriage... these can shoot you off the chart.

But the negative side is the same. Your bad habits that the other person doesn't like? Continual deductions. Cheat on them? You don't even want to know how bad that is.

Ok so my point is that I've been thinking a lot about how certain things can be a problem if they happen early on, whereas they wouldn't be an issue if they happened a year into the relationship. I'm not going to share the specific events I'm thinking about but here's a perfect example.

Let's say you go out on a first date with someone and they "break wind" in front of you. That's probably a deal-breaker. But if you've been dating for 6 months and spend over 50% of your time together? Then it's probably happened and it's not a big deal.

So why is that a big deal on day 1, but not a big deal on day 180? Maybe because the other person hasn't gotten to know you yet. Maybe they are still deciding if they want to be with you or not. I don't know. This probably requires more thought.

Feel free to discuss in the comments some things that have happened to you either early on or later on, which fall into this category...

Which one is more insulting?

So I was sitting at the bar this week having a conversation with a friend. We discussed our likes (boobs), dislikes (things without boobs), and hopes for the future (finding more boobs).

Then he told me about a friend of his. This friend's wife was leaving him, and the rumor was that she was going to "play for the other team."

My first response was that that is the ultimate insult. She is basically telling this guy that he was so bad that she just doesn't even want to try another man ever again. Keep in mind that I'm not married, but my friend is. So he said that if his wife were to leave him then he'd PREFER she swear off men. The thought of her sleeping with another man would just tear him apart.

Obviously, whether she leaves you for another man OR woman it's going to be bad. But if you had to pick between the lesser of 2 evils, which would you go with?

Basically, is it more insulting to lose your wife to another man, or another woman?

Discuss!

Global Warming Debate: Why I don't care

I find myself in another situation where I feel like a lot of people are being crazy, but I don't really know enough about the topic to actually judge. So if you're more knowledgeable then please feel free to educate me in the comments.

A few years ago, Al Gore made that movie An Inconvenient Truth. He told us that the world was heating up and we're all going to die. Or at least I think that's what he said. I actually fell asleep half way through (I was really tired that day).

Now, I've always seen Global Warming as just one piece of the whole environmental movement. We want people to use less energy (it'll save us money), improve air quality (so we get healthier), reduce our dependence on foreign oil (so we can finally bomb the crap out of those countries), and preserve endangered species (to keep the something or other from happening when a species goes extinct).

Well, I've read a big news story a few times this week. Apparently a hacker stole a lot of emails and reports from environmental scientists' computers and published the information on the web. Initial investigations seem to point to a large-scale conspiracy to promote the global warming theory even when there is evidence against it. (see the link below for the article)

So now people are REALLY arguing over whether or not global warming is real. But ya know what? I don't care. Even if the solutions don't fix global warming (if it exists) then aren't they still good for the environment and for us? Don't we want to use renewable energies? Don't we want cars that don't guzzle gas? Don't we want to plant more trees?

My point is, is it really hurting anyone to try and stop global warming?

It's kind of the argument I give to defend religion. The bible teaches you to be a good person (mostly), so even if you don't agree with it then isn't it still ok? (yeah, I gave you the 2-cent version of my argument... we don't need to go into the holes there... this post isn't about that).

Now, I do see one argument for the skeptics of global warming. If we're dumping tons of money into research that doesn't serve any other purpose than to specifically look at just global warming, then that money could be pointed in other directions. But at the same time, we throw money to all sorts of random fruitless researches... so what's one more?

Anyway, my point is that Whether global warming is real or fake, aren't we still doing a good thing for the world by trying to stop it?

Here's the link to the article...
http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/news/jamesdelingpole/100017393/climategate-the-final-nail-in-the-coffin-of-anthropogenic-global-warming/

Dating Advice and Self Revelations

They say that there's an age range for dating. What I mean is that for whatever age you are, you should date members of the opposite sex in a certain range. When you're young, the range is easy. It's generally small, and is marked by major life changes. When you're in high school, you don't date someone in middle school. When you're in college, don't date high school kids. When you enter adulthood, stay away from those college kids. Why? Because you're not living "in the same world." (And if you ARE living in the same world then that's a whole different can of worms).

Now, as we get older, the range grows. I've dated women who were 5 years older than me, and 6 years younger (no, the same woman was not both 5 years older and 6 years younger). I don't really worry about an upper limit anymore, but it's probably in the low to mid 30's. But below me, I have 2 limits. The first is that they have to be a college graduate. I can't date someone who is going to sit there whining about their latest midterm and talk about basement keg parties (god I miss those). The 2nd limit is that they have to be older than my little sister (7 years behind me).

Since beginning this online dating adventure over the summer, I've met women all over that range. And I've learned that just because you are out of college, and have an adult job, doesn't mean that you are an adult (or mature).

Normally, I would launch into a story here... but I don't need to today. Let's just get right to the advice.

One of the biggest rules with dating.... ESPECIALLY online dating... is effective communication. At first, this pertains to responding to emails in a timely manner. But later on it pertains to letting people know how you feel about them. If you want to date someone exclusively then tell them. And if you don't want to date someone anymore, then tell them. You should be honest.

I've told women after a few emails that I just didn't think we would work. And I've told women that I can't see them anymore because I cared about someone else. I've even told women, after a few dates, that I just wasn't attracted to them.

I'd love to say that no one has had to say those things to me.. but of course they have. And it hurts when someone rejects you, for whatever reason. But then at least you have a sense of closure. If you go on a few dates (or even just exchange emails for a while) then drop off the map, then you just leave the other person wondering what happened. Did they say something wrong? Were they not interesting enough?

Just be an adult and rip off the band-aid. It hurts more up front, but heals better in the long run. On a side note, this is the reason that I'm still friends with a lot of my ex-girlfriends.

Now, through all of this, I've learned something about myself. I really hate rejection. I've found that it doesn't happen to me very often. Life generally works out. If I try to date someone then I get them. If I really want to get a job then I get it. I'm not saying that I'm that good... just generally lucky. So when someone actually rejects me, I spend a lot of time wondering why they would possibly do such a thing. Then I spend time figuring out how to get them back. And it may take days or weeks before I realize that this line of thought it stupid. I need to spend some time and figure out why this bothers me so much.

Anyway, that's today's advice. Rip off the band-aid.

Roommate ramblings: part 5

My Ex-roommate is a married man now. He has officially settled down. He eats healthy meals. He spends his weekends "running errands". He even has his wife pick out his outfits.

So for any married man, there is that occasional event which allows him to revert to his old self. And that event, my friends, is a bachelor party!

Now I certainly can't talk about the things that went on at this special gathering. But there was a quote that I had to write down. Let me set the stage...

We were 3 men, having a bachelor party, at a bar in Atlantic City, watching the Phillies win Game 5. You might think that we would be drinking beer, scotch, or even taking shots. Well you'd be wrong. You see, the bachelor wanted us to try this new drink he'd recently had. It was called a Bellini. It is a glass of champagne mixed with Schnapps. ...And it's served in a wine glass.

Obviously, the bartender started making fun of us. And here's where the quote came in...

Me: "Well could you make it a little more manly... put it in a scotch glass??"

Roommate: "...Make it more manly... put a [penis] in it!"

...sigh... the things my friends say...

Adventures in online dating #1

One of my friends has a blog which is devoted mainly to crazy dating stories (or at least that's her trend). And since I haven't blogged in a while I thought it might be a good topic for me to venture in to (since I never blog about love and relationships...)

As all my readers know, I haven't been in a serious relationship for over a year. First, I became single. And then I wrote about the post-relationship healing process. Along the way I dated some women and had a funny story or two. I've had summer flings, and winter flings. But somewhere along the way I decided that it was time to stop "playing the field". I was ready to find Ms. Right, instead of Ms Right Now.

Now, I've already written about this moment; the moment where I was ready to be in a relationship again. Of course, the issue is that there aren't lines of women waiting anxiously for me to make this declaration. I needed to go out and find them.

...And so I did.

In the past month, I've written MANY messages to women on a dating site. I get about a 30% response rate. And out of those 30%, maybe 10% are interesting enough to talk to for more than one or two messages. THEN, an even smaller percentage turn into a face-2-face meeting. Basically I'm saying that for every 20 or 30 messages I sent out, I would eventually meet 1 of those women.

So far I've met 3. One of them became "just a friend". Another was fun, but I don't know if we'll see each other again. The third woman seemed to show real promise.

And here's where the point of my blog post comes in.

I hate dating more than one person at a time. I feel like you don't give either person a real chance because you're dividing your efforts between them.

And that's a problem when I've been on dates with 2 women and may potentially meet more in the future. I can't just say to these women "I like you, but I went on a date with someone else and I want to see where that's going first. So hang around and if that strikes out then I'll call you again." Life doesn't work that way. Women don't just sit around waiting for us.

So I'm faced with all these issues. How attached can I become to any one woman? How long can I date someone before I decide they pass or fail? How do I know from just a few dates whether or not they can be a good partner for me? Are any of them reading this blog post right now and planning on dumping me?

If anyone has good dating advice then feel free to share...

Roommate ramblings: part 4

This happened so long ago that I can't even remember if my ex-roommate actually said it. But I'm pretty sure he did. (Though I could be totally wrong here)

We were sitting with some friends talking about food. For some reason we brought up the new Burger King sandwich that had "Angry Onions" on it. Here's a snippet of conversation that followed...

someone: "Why do you think they're Angry Onions?"

roommate: [after considering this question] "Maybe they were raped. I'd be pretty angry if I was raped."


I would normally think that he wouldn't even accidentally say something like this... but this is the same guy who once told a girl that she had a "lot of junk in her trunk" (he was actually looking in the trunk of her car at the time... and it really did have a lot of junk in it). So maybe this really did happen.

Of course, history is relative. The very fact that I've written this down makes it true.

Extra Income

With a bad economy, everyone is talking about saving money. Cut back on expenses. Spend less. Save more. But not enough people are talking about increasing income. There are a few ways that you can increase income.

1. Get a 2nd job. Maybe work 2 or 3 nights per week at some store. Even if it only brings in a few hundred per week, that's still a nice addition to the monthly income. Or if you are in the kind of field that does freelance work (like a web designer) then try that. Put out ads on Craigslist or Guru.com.

2. Invest. The market is down. So investing money right now will pay off big later on. Unfortunately, it won't pay off at all right now... so this isn't a good option for most people.

3. Sell stuff. Your house is full of items you don't use anymore (books, clothes, movies) and they can all be sold online. Craigslist, Amazon.com, eBay are just a few of the sites you can use. By spending a little time, you can bring in a lot of money each month.

Here is a link to an article about selling things on eBay. It's a blog I read, devoted to saving money and increasing income. The post doesn't have anything special that you wouldn't already see as common sense, but it's still nice to see it laid out so well.

http://www.iwillteachyoutoberich.com/blog/earn-money-on-ebay/

Pandora's Box of Relationships

I had a friend who told me a story. It's one of those stories that ends with "well, what would YOU have done?" So I asked him to write it out as a guest blog (changing the names) so that I could pose the story, and inevitable questions, to my readers. So without further adieu, here's a guest post...

If I could give you the superhero power of omniscience would you take it? Up until this past weekend I'd have been a big fan of 'all knowledge' - but I'm not so sure anymore.

To set the stage, three old friends Pete, his wife Suzy and me are attempting to catch up on a year's drinking, catching up on lost time since they last saw each other at Pete and Suzy's wedding about a year ago. I was Pete’s best-man. There was wine, G&T and a good time being had by all. Names have, of course, been changed to protect the guilty. I suspect that no-one is innocent.

Suzy who weighs 100 pounds dripping wet is, to be frank, a candy-ass when it comes to drinking. Straight to the peak and over the other side she goes, and at 1:30 am she is passed out on the couch and we pick up the story when us guys decide on one more drink before they quit.

I can't say I'm sure how this happened but a bottle and half of bourbon later the two of us are pretty shitty drunk. As we got more and more blotto so the conversation became more graphic . Lets just say that every bachelor party story (not the r-rated version), as well as discourses on what precisely the guys would fancy doing to their mutual female acquaintances are discussed. No holds-barred, nothing held back. If a fly on the wall could have heard the story the two of them weaved; these vignettes of fact and fantasy and general naughtiness would have made it blush. (had it evolved blush genes).

Speaking of which - apparently Suzy woke up during the course of the conversation and lay there listening to the boys. I can't blame her, I probably would have too, but she is err 'treated' to a discussion of all of her friends and what the guys would like to do to them. In case you think there was anything noble about the conversation - there was none. Nothing held back. Complete disclosure (and I’m not proud) name, body part etc… Who said what is still unclear. It seems some brain cells might have got killed during the night.

Comes 5:00am Pete and I are torn. Suddenly Suzy sits up and goes to bed. We think this is probably a good idea and follow her example.

9:30 am - I stumble through to the lounge and see her sitting on the couch where she has been since 5:00 am, replaying the whole conversation in her mind. I'm still drunk and feeling a little like there is half-decomposed gerbil sleeping in my mouth.

"I heard you guys taking last night" she says through gritted teeth. Her knees are pulled up to her chest and she has a pillow on her lap. You get the idea. Instant sobriety.

"What did you hear", I ask. (fuck fuck fuck what did I say , what did Pete say, fuck again).

"Everything" (fuck some-more).

In a rare moment of clarity I say "you should have joined us then ... or gone to bed".

"I know" she says quietly - "but I wanted to hear what you guys talk about, and now I know".

"I think I've lost some respect for both of you". She has gained what few women get to know, how guys think when they let down their guard. You have to understand, that I very seldom have these conversations, and my man Pete and I have never discussed such things, except in passing. If you guys are inclined, as I was, to blame Suzy for listening in - imagine hearing your wife and her friend talking about screwing the daylights out of your mate. You have to admit it would hurt.

So I sit down with her and explain that every guy has the spice channel running through their heads from the age of about 14. That most of us can ignore the playboy channel playing in our heads when we choose to. That every guy is thinking about sex most of the time and the only guy friends she knows who have not at least contemplated doing the nasty with her are gay (and they are thinking about Pete that way). I also assure her that we would never talk about her that way, just in case she thought we did, and that no, the only other women we think about in bed is the Queen (her Royal milky thighs can buy you another 5 minutes - I'm just saying). [Note from Rob: The author of this guest blog is British... so he's referring to the Queen of England]

So she has all of this rattling around in her head now. Admittedly she doesn't have complete knowledge - only the words of 2 drunken friends getting their drink on. Most guys suspect that if all women could look in our head for 15 minutes the synchronous slap would alter the rotation of the earth. She knows, and now has to live with this. Hung-over Pete now knows that she knows (Suzy told him when he woke up). I know that she is disappointed in me too which upsets me more than I would have suspected. Everyone knows everything. Still want the superhero power ? Pete doesn’t know that I talked this through with Suzy. I wouldn’t want someone else in a private issue between my wife and I and can’t imagine Pete would either.

As a post script I call my wife after I got out of Dodge on with my proverbial tail between my legs. After giving her a précis of the events, my wife says “All guys are like this though. You’re all like an East-German railway, one track and dirty". For the record I really dig my wife but then she didn't hear the story did she? She says she would have gone to bed and left us alone, but if she heard what Suzy heard would she dig me back ?

The questions for this august body of Rob's friends are :

1. What would you have done if you were Suzy - would you have listened in ?

2. What would you have done with knowledge? You can't un-ring this bell. Now there is a wound in your memory and maybe an issue in your marriage?

3. I have lost some of the esteem of a friend. Would you do or say anything further if you were me?

4. How about Pete - how would you respond to your wife hearing you talk about nailing one of her closest friends?

All I can say is that the next time someone asks me if I want to know it all, I'll probably pass. Invisibility cloak is also out, so I’ll take the ability to fly.

Movies as an Art

I don't think that it's a surprise to any of my readers that I am a movie fanatic. I love to watch them, yes. But I also love to know how they were made and why certain things were done in a certain way. To me, the more I know about a movie the more I appreciate it.

I have a lot of friends who get annoyed by this. They just want a movie to be entertaining. Maybe they want it to be funny or have big explosions. They don't care that the director was telling his life story, or that the bad guy was a metaphor for the demon in all of us.

And it just occurred to me that it's like Art. If you took me to an Art Museum and walked around, I'd look for the paintings that looked nice. You could show me something really abstract and I might say "huh" and then just walk on. Because I'm only looking at the surface. But someone else could stand at the same abstract painting and spend 10 minutes explaining the symbolism and message behind the weird green blob in the upper corner. And I'll say "oh cool" but then I'll still move on to find a painting that looks normal. Because I don't really care. I want my paintings to look real.

I also like my poems to rhyme.

So this sudden thought gave me a new appreciation of other people's tastes in movies. They don't want art. They want something that looks cool.

And then it gave me a new appreciation of my love of movies because now I think of it as a real art form - instead of a huge waste of time.

Trials and Tribulations of being single

So a while back I wrote about what happens when you go through a break-up. I'm sure you all remember exactly what I'm talking about, but you can check it out HERE.

If you took the healthy route, you eventually find yourself happily single. And by "happily" I mean that you don't cry yourself to sleep at night wishing someone loved you. You're happy with yourself. You're ok being single. You've even taken the time to see what things you could have done better in the relationship - so you won't make the same mistakes again.

Alright so now let's discuss the next stage, which I will call the George Clooney phase.

In this stage, you're either going to do one of two things:
1. You're going to actively seek someone to date.
2. You're just going to live your life and see if someone falls into your lap.

Note: George Clooney always chooses #2

I'd like to point out that both of these choices are good. I'm not telling you to pick one over the other.

So let's talk about option 1. You're happy with yourself and you think you've taken enough time to heal. You're ready to jump back on the horse. Here are a few things you can try:

1. Join a club or organization. Through PADA (my ultimate frisbee league) I meet TONS of women every year. It's a great way to make new friends and date someone, especially because you know that you already have something in common.

2. Ask friends to set you up with someone. I don't suggest this. Maybe you've heard of friends who were successful with this approach but I've only heard horror stories (I mean of bad dates... not like showing up at the restaurant and finding that your friend set you up with Freddy Kreuger... man that would suck). If you're going to go this route then try to get them to introduce you to someone at a party. Meeting someone in a party is a very low-stress encounter. If you don't hit it off then just go mingle with other people.

3. Join a dating site. There are countless sites out there. Some are free; others are not. In my experience, there's no reason to pay for a dating site. Look at personal ads on CraigsList or join OKCupid.com and just start contacting people. Here's a tip - Contact as many people as possible. Cast the net out very wide. The more people you talk to, the better your chances of actually hitting it off with someone. Think of it this way: If you send out 10 e-mails, you may only get 6 responses. Then, 1 of those 6 will be someone who is paid to be on the site and they want you to join some other site which isn't free. Another 1 of the 6 may be a prostitute. So now you're down to 4 people. 1 person doesn't email you again after the first response. Another person has severe trust issues. You actually set up a date with 2 people. But one of those 2 people were using fake pictures on the site... they actually weigh 400 LBS. And the other person you meet is a transexual (seriously, I've seen them on the site.... not that there's anything wrong with that. If it's what you're in to then go for it... I'm not judging). So maybe that's an extreme situation but those are the kinds of odds you're working with. Good luck.


OK, now how about someone who chooses the George Clooney option? They decide to just live their life and not look for love. They trust that it will come to them unexpectedly. One day they will be rushing down the street, turn a corner, and bump into a super model... just like in the movies. Then they will start dating and live happily ever after. Well that doesn't actually happen in real life... get your head out of the clouds.

I'm not saying this approach is bad, but it has been known to lead to women becoming old weird cat ladies. If you don't keep your eyes open for love then you won't see it when it appears. Even if you're not pursuing it, you have to know when the time is right to pounce.

It's like that parable. A man is in a flood and he climbs on top of his house to wait for rescue. A boat comes by and offers to take the man to safety but he says, "No, God will save me." And then later on another boat comes by and they also offer to take him to safety and the man says "No, God will save me." Then later on a helicopter flies by and tries to rescue him but the man refuses again stating that God will save him. Well, the waters rise up and the man dies. When he gets to heaven he meets God and says "God, why didn't you save me??" and God says "What the hell! I sent 2 boats and a helicopter!!"

Love doesn't just happen. And good relationships don't just happen. They take the right mix of good luck and hard work. But first you have to get your foot in the door.

I hope this helps.