Picking up slack

Well, since Condon is phoning it in this week, I thought I'd pick up the slack.

But first, today's rant:
Remember that nursery rhyme about Humpty Dumpty? What the crap is that? Why would Humpty Dumpty sit up on that high wall if he could break so easily? The guy is a giant egg, people, come on! But it gets worse! All the kings horses were trying to put him back together? How exactly is a horse going to put an egg back together? Are they going to glue the eggshell back together and then shovel all the yoke back inside and assume he's going to be ok??? and guess what?!?! HORSES DON'T EVEN HAVE FINGERS!!! How is a horse gonna put anything back together without fingers??? They probably just started eating Humpy Dumpty right off the ground! GOD, I hate that nursery rhyme...

*Deep Breath*

Anyway, let's talk office. In most of Condon's posts, he tries to talk about office life and give you some advice on how to improve your own. So let's talk food. What kind of food? The free kind. A smart office monkey (Picture chris wearing a Fez) can eat nearly every day for free if he just learns a few simple techniques.

• If you're going to schedule a meeting, do it during lunch time. Then find a reason to invite people that are more important than you. People that have company credit cards. Just keep mentioning food and eventually they'll cave and buy some pizzas.
• Around noon, if you aren't in a meeting already, start walking around your floor. Find out where meetings are taking place. Take a few minutes to stand outside the door. You might see an opportunity to jump in on their conversation....and therefore help yourself to some delectables.
• Ok, this tip is a hard one. You need to make friends with people. Not really skinny people...and not really fat people. Find medium-sized people. Those are the ones that will most likely have food left over from lunch. Those are the ones that eat half of a sandwhich and throw the other half away. Those are the ones who can feed your belly.
• Now, the creme de la creme of tips. This one should only be used once a month. The first step is to make friends with the cafeteria workers in your building. Once they like you, then start showing up 5 minutes before the place closes. There's tons of food that they are about to toss in the garbage. With a little sweet talking, you can get a huge meal for free....or at least get twice as much food for your money.

Well, there you have it. Use this knowledge wisely. ...And for god sakes, someone tell condon to get back on the Blog-wagon before I have to start giving tips on bathroom stall selection...