To Pee or not to Pee

In a person's life, they will eventually, without exception, come to a place where they really have to pee but have no place to go. Some will just hold it...some will wet their pants (if peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis)...and some will find a creative way to relieve themselves. That is today's topic....in a round about way.

Last week, I watched an episode of Sex and the City with some friends. No, I am not a habitual watcher...but yes, I do think it's a pretty good show. Anyway, in this episode, Carrie (the main girl) dates a politician. He seems like a very well-to-do guy. However, in bed one night, he reveals that he wants Carrie to pee on him...like as a sexual gratification sort of way. Now, in her defense, Carrie took this well. While she wasn't prepared to do that, she did offer alternatives to satiate his deviant behaviors (dribbling hot tea on him...peeing with the door open, etc). The show goes on, but we've discussed all that we need to. The point is the pee.

So I began asking girls about this. I was determined to find a girl that was willing to pee on her significant other. Because if I found one, then maybe I could find out why they'd do it. You see, I consider myself to be an open person, generally. Religion, politics, sexual orientation...hey, whatever floats your boat. But peeing on someone just seems unsanitary...and kinda gross.

Of course, I never did find anyone who was open to this. Maybe some day I will...and they can shed some light into this mellow-yellow past-time.

But moving on.

This made me think of a pee story. A few years ago, I went on a camping trip with some friends from High School (the NJ trip, not the DE one). On our last night there, it began to rain. Oh well, we went to bed and hoped it would stop soon. But it didn't. By 2 AM, a certain YAB reporter was digging ditches around my tent to help divert water. By 7AM, I was sleeping on a "water bed".

It was time to get up.

We all began to pack up our things and throw them into random cars (our random cars...not other peoples') just so we could get out of their and get dry. And then we began that fateful journey home...

At this point, I must mention that I have the bladder of a 5 year old. Not literally, of course...but it's about the same size. Very small capacity. I should probably see a doctor one of these days.

Anyway, driving home, I was in the car with Condon. We led the charge home. But somewhere along the way, we took a wrong turn...and then another wrong turn. And before we knew it, we were lost. I know, you're thinking to yourself, "But Rob...you're a guy...how could you possibly get lost?" Well let me clarify. We knew where we were on the map. We were just having a hard time navigating to our destination.

So time passes. Minutes. Hours. As I sat there in his car, wearing only a very wet pair of shorts and no shirt, I felt the need to pee. So I told chris that at some point we'll need to find a place where I can do this. He said ok.

Then another half hour passes. I start the pee-pee dance in my seat. You know what I'm talking about. You cross your legs and fidget back and forth. I tell him that the need to go is getting pretty severe. He says we'll stop soon.

Another half hour. The pee-pee dance has stopped. I'm beyond fidgeting. I've entered a world where nothing exists but my need to pee. All focus and energy is put into not wetting my pants. I tell chris I'm gonna wet my pants soon.

Now let's zoom the camera out some. We're driving on a busy highway. In the pouring rain. Lost. And leading 2 or 3 more cars behind us. Oh, and there is a huge ditch on the side of the road. So what does Chris do? He pulls over.

I get out of the car. Look back at the 10 people watching me. Stand on the side of the road, since I can't get past the ditch. Cold, shirtless, pouring rain.

Talk about performance anxiety.

I think I stood there for 2 full minutes before I could go. But when I did...man...best pee EVER.

So that's about it. We got back on track. Got into a car accident. Then went home to dry off.

And I shared this story with a friend, thinking to impress her (why would it impress her?), but she totally trumped my story with one of her own. Of course, I can't share it because I don't have her permission. But believe me...it blows my story out of the water.

So I thought I'd write about it. Because everyone has a pee story. One of pain, and possibly humor. Anyone want to share?

(oh, and I stole my title from Sex & the city. It was the title of the article that Carrie wrote about this guy.)