Casualties of War

No, I'm not talking about the Revolutionary War, or the Civil War. Not the World Wars, or even the Clone Wars. I'm talking about a much more metaphorical war.

The war of 2 people breaking up.

Of course, there are the obvious casualties. Children. House. Money. But what about less defined "possessions"? Like mutual friends. Who gets those in a settlement?

Let's take a moment to explore the trauma that "friends" endure in a break-up.

I've broken it down into 3 categories. For simplicity-sake, we'll only refer to relationships between men and women. However, I'd like to note that I am in no way trivializing homosexual relationships.

So anyway, 3 categories. Friends who knew the Man first. Friends who knew the woman first. And Friends who knew both man and woman equally as long.

Now, the first 2 seem simple enough, right? Sort of. If a friend knew one person before the other, then the law states that they shall be returned to said person; with some exceptions. If this is a guy friend of the Man, then he may secretly remain friends with the Woman so that he can try and "hit that." Under no circumstance, is a girl friend of the Woman allowed to remain friends with the Man. Regardless of the emotional severity of the break-up, the girlfriend's job is to tell the Woman that she was perfect and the Man was a pig that didn't deserve her. Now, girl friends of the Man have no interest in remaining friends with the Woman because they are likely waiting to drag the Man into their beds now that he is single. This is, of course, just for comfort reasons. Conversely, guy friends of the Woman have been jealous of the Man the entire time because they want to date the Woman. They most likely tried to date the Woman previously and were rebuffed, and now float uncomfortably in the "friend-zone".

So that takes care of 2. But what about 3? What happens to mutual friends? They haven't known one person longer than the other. They feel close to both. Unfortunately, their job is to "secretly" remain friends with both Man and Woman, without letting the other know about it. Their reward for this subterfuge, is the gift of knowledge. They become the only person to have an accurate picture of the break-up. They get the story from both sides, then piece together fact and fiction into one amazing tale of sorrow and woe.

But their curse sometimes outweighs the gift. For they must continue to live in secrecy. If they see the Man in public, they must remain on the look-out for the Woman...and vice versa. Like a rat trapped in a never-ending maze, they feel like the walls have eyes. They live in a constant state of paranoia, eventually cracking under the stress ...and going mad.

It's not a pretty picture, folks. But I tell you this for a reason. For all the insane friends in the world today, there exist 2 people that could have prevented their descent into madness. A man, and a Woman. If they had only let the friend remain friends with whomever they wanted. So if you ever find yourself in the unfortunate situation of breaking up with someone you love, try to see through the fog and have a care for your friends. Because if you don't, then who will?


THE PRECEDING HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT