Captain Caffeine

I wanted to blog but it's been a hectic few weeks. I've been toying with a few ideas so here are 2 of them...


One day, Rob decided to grow a beard. It took a while, but after some shaping and grooming he looked very dashing and manly. While walking down the street, Rob was seen by an Ad Executive from the Marlboro corporation. They decided to hire Rob as the new Marlboro Man. Fans loved it. Rob made Millions, but then died 6 months later from lung cancer. With no direct heirs, all of Rob's wealth was distributed to homeless people in New Jersey, thus eliminating homelessness in the Garden State. Conclusion: Grow a beard, and you'll eliminate homelessness in your home state.


Now on to more important matters. Lately I've noticed that people get tired. No, really, they do! I mean, come on...as the unquestioned eternal leader of the Rob-nited States, I only ask you to stay awake for 16 hours a day. Don't nap in those 16 hours!


In the words of that famous guys....who was it? Oh right...Jesus. In the words of Jesus, "Desperate times call for desperate measures. After long deliberations, we (read: I) have decided to elect an official head of "staying awake". His name is Captain Caffeine. (Disclaimer: Captain caffeine is not a real captain). Captain caffeine will travel from city to city, evaluating the "awake-level" of every individual. He will then place you on a concentrated medical dose of caffeine (read: 1 can of red-bull). This will get you through those painful times during the day. You know what times I mean. That boring business meeting with the guy who laughs at his own jokes... Trying to do homework after a hard practice... coming home from work and having to listen to your wife talk about her REALLY BORING day. All of this will now be easy with these medical doses.


Now, you might be saying to yourself "Gee-willikers, Rob, that sounds great! But won't we develop a tolerance to the 'doses'?" Well, I'm glad you asked. My crack team of scientists and advisors (read: The other guy I share an office with) have told me that this will be handled with a 2 step process. First, as a person's tolerance increases, so will their dose. Of course, it will come to a point where the person ingests so much caffeine that they cannot function in their daily routines. When this happens we enter STEP 2. This step involves a slow transition from caffeine to cocaine. Doses will be highly regulated, and should keep a person going much longer than the caffeine dose (or so we've heard).


Unfortunately, there is a downside. One day, far in the future, you'll be nothing but a coked-out junkie. you'll be a burden on our society, and one night you'll be snatched from you bed by my secret police, and no one will hear from you again. Don't be afraid, though. Someone will take your place at work.