Scariest King EVER!

I know you're asking yourself, "I wonder what king, Rob is talking about? Could it be the King of Monaco? The King of Spain? The Plow King?"

No, my friends. There is a much scarier King out there. Of course, I refer to his royal Grill-ness. The Champion of Cheese. The Man of Meat. The Burger King.

Come on, people! the man has a giant head! (the thing is like Sputnik!). I'm sure that other people have ranted about the latest Burger King commercials, but now it's my turn...

You see, it started innocently enough. The first commercial showed a guy lying in bed next to the Burger King. Fine. I can accept that. The guy is gay and he likes fast-food. So his obvious choice for a partner is the Burger King. I have no beef with that (thank you, I'll be here all week.)

The second commercial was really creepy. It seems that the guy broke up with the Burger King, because in the second commercial, the guy gets out of bed and opens his window shade, only to find that the Burger King is standing outside. How long was he standing there?? What if the guy didn't open his shade?? The King could have been out there for days waiting. Now, I don't know about you, but if I stood outside of a girl's window all night, then scared her when she opened the shade, and then just handed her a breakfast sandwich...I'm pretty sure she wouldn't want to talk to me anymore.

But wait, it gets worse.

In the latest commercial, we find out why they broke up. The guy had turned straight and was living with a woman now. He goes out to his garage in the morning. The girl is still inside getting ready (typical woman). As the automatic garage door slowly sheds light on the scene, we see that the Burger King is out in the driveway; maybe 50 yards away. You can see it in his face. He's angry. He wants his man back...and they'll have to drive over him if they want to leave together! Thus far, the guy has hidden all this from the girl, so now he turns around to see if she's watching. Good, she isn't. She's totally oblivious to what's going on. And now here comes the scary part. When the guy turns back around to look outside (remember that 3 seconds ago the king was really far away), we find the the Burger King is inside the garage and standing about 6 inches away from the guy's face. (I screamed like a little girl at that part) But all he does is hand the guy a sandwich, which is obviously a gay metaphor....eh?....a meat sandwich? Duh!

These commercials are terrifying. Blatant homosexuality (not that there's anything wrong with that), Broken relationships, stalking, and guys with giant heads (he'll be cryin himself to sleep tonite on his huuuuuge pillow). I wanna know what freaks came up with such filth at the Burger King Kingdom.

Moving on, I was there this morning and bought the Enormous Omelet sandwich. It's a long roll with sausage, Bacon, cheese, and 2 layers of egg. It was amazing. But what was more amazing was that it looked exactly like the picture in the menu! Ever notice how food is never as good as the pictures? The buns are smushed. The burger is smaller. The toppings are just sickly looking. But today, it was magnificent. Today, I salute you, Mr. Burger King kitchen worker.

um, ok...time to get back to work.