We were on a break!

I have a post coming about wedding toasts but it will have to wait for the footage of my last toast to hit youtube so I can embed it. Until then, let's talk about the transition from one relationship to the next.

The point of this is not to say that I'm in a new relationship. I'm not. Instead, I want to look at the recovery period one goes through after a break-up.

Why am I writing about it? Because this is the first time I actually went through it. But we're jumping ahead.

We've all been through a break-up. Ok, that's not true. I've known at least one person who married his first girlfriend, but that's neither here nor there.

Most of us have gone through a break-up. And regardless of whether you were the breaker or the breakee, you have to go through a healing process...in a manner of speaking. I think there are a few main ways in which a person will act after a break-up.

1. They jump into another relationship.
2. They sit around pining for their lost love, or try to get them back.
3. They take the time to heal.

In the past I had often taken paths 1 or 2. They are the easy ways out, at least in the short-term. But they also carry the biggest baggage. So this time around I opted for number 3. Sort of.

They say that you can calculate the "healing time" from a break-up by take the total number of months you spent together and divide that by 2. So if you dated someone for a year, then it should take 6 months to heal. But what does that mean exactly? Let's break it down.

I believe there are 2 parts to healing from a break-up. First, you have to build up a wall again. In a relationship you let down your guard and become exposed to your partner. Once you break up you need to learn to close back up again. Otherwise, you could project your feelings right on to a new person prematurely. And this is common sense. We all know this part.

But here's a new part that I hadn't been aware of until recently. Once you close off your heart again, you have to open it up some. After you're closed up, you don't have the ability to become emotionally involved with someone. You just can't do it. You're too guarded, and afraid of the pain that goes along with it.

People often overlook this phase, because once you close everything up then you're ready to date again. You're ready to get out there and meet new people. Unfortunately, you're doomed to failure because you won't be able to make any real connections.

I found that I was ready to get out and date again after only 3 or 4 months. But it took another month or two before I realized that I wasn't making any "connections" with the girls I dated. So each one would end after a few dates because I thought I just wasn't interested in them.

So I know this is a total rambling post (more so than usual) but here is my advice.
1. Take a while to heal after a break-up.
2. If you're in phase 2 and start dating someone then let them know up front what you're going through. I bet they will understand - and it takes the pressure off you to feel something that you don't.
3. If you're going to break up with a girl - don't say that it's because you just aren't in a place to get emotionally attached. They will read that as "I'm not in a place to get emotionally attached to YOU." and nothing you say will change their minds. So in this case I suggest lying. Make up something that doesn't leave them feeling so dejected, since it really isn't there fault.

Anyway, always remember to take any of my advice with a gigantic mountain-sized grain of salt. Because we all know I'm far from perfect.