Advice for a First Date: A Woman's Perspective

NOTE:
The following is a guest blog written by Maggie Q. Yesterday I posted my version of this story so if you haven't read it yet then go HERE. Otherwise read on. I haven't changed anything except for replacing my actual name with my online name (Trip Thomas). I realize that my blog isn't exactly anonymous but I'd like to keep random googlers from finding it when they search for me.

A guest blog on dating & relationships, from Trip's much better half.

The boy suggested I write a guest blog on relationships.

So much to say on such a broad topic.

Does he want me to blog about relationships in general, or about our relationship in particular? Or about me? Well, maybe I'll talk about our first date so that the boys that read this can get some insight via a girl's point of view.

Let's see. So we met on the internet. Some people are embarrassed to admit this, and I'm really not, as it's pretty common these days and You've Got Mail with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan came out over a decade ago. I think. So while I'm not embarrassed about this, I admit that it's a pretty boring "how we met" story. Sometimes I like to say "We met at church. It was an abstinence workshop." Because knowing both of us, that would be an awesome "how we met" story.

(Some people don't get my humor because they can't tell if I'm joking or not. I totally abuse this.)

The truth is, we met in person for the first time in front of a Happy Harry's Drugstore. He was on his iphone, Facebooking, probably something about how he was about to go on a first date with this incredibly awesome girl he met on the internet and really hoped that she wasn't really fat.

Because some people post old pictures of themselves on their dating profiles from way before they got fat.

I was actually going to contact Trip a couple months before I actually did because I liked his dating profile. Until I saw that one of his photos was of him and an ex-girlfriend. Who does that?!

Anyway, we met in front of Happy Harry's. He had bought some gum at Happy Harry's because he was hoping that the date would go well, and then we would get to make out at the end. He never told me this, I just knew. All girls know this: whenever a guy offers you gum or a mint towards the end of a date, it means he wants to kiss you. Though I didn't know at the beginning of the date that that was what he bought at Happy Harry's.

I liked him right away. Turns out that some of the photos that HE posted on his profile were pretty old but luckily he hadn't gotten fat since they were taken. Because you know what? I don't go for fat guys either. I am sure somewhere in this blog he has rambled about how he doesn't date fatties. Or ugly chicks.

I already knew I would like him because he was the only guy I met online who made me laugh out loud over an email. It's amazing how many people out there can't write for shit and I'm a grammar snob, so it was refreshing to meet someone else who could not only write well but make me laugh really hard before we even met in person.

It was about a concept for a zombie "adult movie." I guess that was my pick-up line in response to something he said in his profile, and it got his attention. So I liked his personality and was really hoping that he wasn't a troll in person. I mean, I signed up for this dating website about a year ago now and had met 10 other guys in person before Trip. So I've had my share of guys who seemed cool over email and looked nothing like their profile picture. Like they've turned out fatter or have a full beard. Or are shorter than advertised.

Because I'm a total height snob too. But I put that in my dating profile. I've learned that guys who are under 6 feet tall tend to add about 2 inches to their actual height, whereas guys who are 6'1" or taller are usually truthful because they don't need to lie. I'm almost 5'9" but I put that I am 5'8". So when a guy who is 5'10" says that he is 6' it is SO obvious when we meet in person.

So this Trip guy was actually tall like he said he was. As I was saying, I already knew I really liked his personality and thought he was funny over email but was hoping he wasn't a troll. He wasn't a troll at all. I thought he was really cute but over the course of this first date, he tells me a few terrible jokes. But he was super cute so I laughed. There were some that were actually funny, but I still laughed at the ones that weren't so funny because he was cute.

It's kind of like when a guy is hitting on you at a bar. If he's hot, it really doesn't matter what the pickup line is. But if he's a troll, it also really doesn't matter what the pickup line is.

Then again, I have to admit that I like bad jokes. And bad movies too, like Snakes on a Plane. (That was hilarious! Yet so terrible!) So clearly we were meant for each other.

I think our first date lasted over 9 hours because we started at 3 in the afternoon at a pumpkin patch and corn maze, and kept wanting to do more stuff. So we also had dinner and then went to get some post-dinner/pre-movie drinks, then went to a movie.

By the end of the date, I could tell he liked me because of three things:
1. halfway through the date he had already asked me out to a second AND a third date. (Who does that?!) The second date involved meeting all his friends. I'm thinking he must really like me if he already wants me to meet his friends. Either that or he's some man-whore who always asks girls to meet his friends on the second date.
2. when we were trying to figure out what to do after dinner, he said "it's too bad we haven't been dating longer because..." This was with regards to carving the pumpkins; if we'd been dating longer, he would've invited me over to his place to carve the pumpkins. So I figured he *wasn't* a man-whore because if he was, he would've invited me over to his place on the first date. Right?
3. the gum thing. He offered me gum because he totally wanted to make out with me.

Of course by the end of the date there's that "do we kiss or not" moment. I like when it's the guy who makes the move because you aren't always sure if they like you or not. So the confusing part is that OBVIOUSLY this guy likes me, but he's not making the move. Later I find out it's because he's got the fear of going in for the kiss and having the girl kind of duck away, like when Jason Segal goes for Mila Kunis in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

Jesus, Trip. Man up!

Anyway, this first date story is from my point of view, right? So maybe even though it was obvious to me that he liked me, it wasn't obvious to him that I liked him. And I wanted to kiss him, dammit. I mean, this might just be me, but if there's no first date kiss then there is clearly not enough chemistry to warrant having a second date. Sure, go have a second date, but don't be surprised if he turns out to be a prude who apologizes when you brush hands. Screw that. Did I go onto this dating website to find my gay best friend? No.

So I kissed him because he wouldn't stop rambling about something, since he was being too much of a girl to make the first move. I'm not sure why he would think I didn't like him enough to want to kiss him, I mean there were plenty of bailout options throughout the date if I didn't like him.

A girl does not go out with a guy for 9 hours if she doesn't want to kiss him at the end of the date!!

Well that was about two months ago. I think it's only fair that we get Trip's side of the story now.

The end.

Advice for a First Date

Last week I asked Maggie Q (formerly known as Lucy Liu) to write a guest blog for my page. She decided to write about our first date, and that's all I know. I haven't read it yet because she asked me to write about the same topic and then post both stories for you kind readers. This is tough for me for two reasons. One, these days I only blog when I feel an inspiration. I feel that there's enough crap out there so I shouldn't add to it. Two, I try to write advice columns more than stories (because seriously, who wants to read my boring stories?).

Well, in the end I've decided to talk about how I prepared for our first date. I'll break down some advice and mix in the story of our first date. So let's get started.

There are 4 main aspects to a first date:
1. The initial meeting.
2. The main activity of the date.
3. More activities if things are going well.
4. How to end the date.


The Initial Meeting:
If you've met someone before, then this is easy. One of you can pick the other up, and head out to the main activity. However, if it's a blind date OR someone you met online (which is where I fit in) then you really have to pick a neutral meeting place. I once offered to pick a girl up for a first date and she freaked out - and alluded to the possibility that I was an axe murderer. So the best idea is to pick a main activity in the area that you both live, and just meet there. This is also good because if the date falls apart then you both have a means of escape.

Maggie and I hit it off so we weren't too worried about this. We met in front of a drug store (by her house) and I drove us to the date. I guess that is kind of weird. She just hopped in the car with a stranger. I should probably ask her about that.

The Main Activity:
There are two directions you can go with a main activity. You can take the safe approach and head to a bar/restaurant, or head out to do something out of the ordinary. I've had luck with both. It just depends on how comfortable you are with sitting face to face and carrying on a conversation. Going out and doing something different can leave a great impression on the girl and improve your chances of getting a second date. However, there's also a chance that you'll pick something that turns out to be really lame. The time of year also factors in to this decision. It's hard to find outdoor activities in the middle of winter.

When Maggie and I talked on the phone for the first time, I threw out a few questions to get ideas for our first date. She mentioned that she had never been to a corn maze but really wanted to go. Luckily there was one right in Delaware (and this happened to by the week before Halloween so our timing was perfect). The place had a corn maze, pumpkin picking, hay rides, etc. so I trusted that that could keep us occupied for a while. It was cool because we could walk around while we talked. We never had to have those awkward moments where you just look at each other with nothing to say.

Post-Activity activities:
If your date is going well then you may not want it to end, so you better have some more activities lined up. There's less pressure at this point so don't over-think it. You're already getting along well so you could just have a few bars or movies in mind. Still keep it neutral. Don't try to get her back to your place. Play it cool.

We hit the the corn maze in the afternoon, so when we left I asked her if she wanted to get dinner. Then, when dinner was a success we decided to follow that up with a movie. When all was said and done, our first date lasted about 8 hours.

The End of the Date:
Ok, you made it through at least one activity without the girl running away in an offended rage. Whether you're taking her back home, or just bidding adieu at the neutral meeting place, there's always the same question; how do you say goodbye? Kiss? Hug? Handshake? Fist Pound? Books and movies will give you a thousand clues to look for but it really comes down to one thing. Is she lingering there in front of you, or trying to get away? If you're standing 2 feet apart making awkward small talk while she stares into your eyes then you have the green light for a kiss. If you're not sure then go for the hug. There's not much worse than going in for a kiss when she's closed for business. I will sometimes give commentary on the moment, to lighten the mood. "So here we stand at that crucial moment. Should we go in for the awkward hug?" Of course that can backfire and ruin your chances at a kiss. This one is really up to you. Use your judgement.

I seem to recall the end of my night being a little awkward. We made small talk for a few minutes (because there was a car parked next to where we were standing and they were staring at us). In the end, she leaned in for the kiss before I had a chance to make my move. I like a woman who doesn't just stand there waiting for the guy.

Reflections:
As first dates go, this one ranks pretty high. She laughed at my jokes, we didn't really have awkward pauses, and we're still dating today. None of that is a surprise, of course. This is the girl who had originally emailed me (on the dating website) and basically asked about my thoughts on "zombie porn movies". I knew we'd hit it off :-)

So now I am going to finally read her blog that she sent me. I'll post that one up tomorrow or later in the week.

We Need to Talk

It's time to get back to my area of expertise: Love and Relationships.

...ok, I'll wait until the laughter dies down...

...No? Not done yet? Maybe I'll go get a soda...

...Alright seriously, just stop laughing now it's not that funny...

Anyway. Recently I've been dating a new girl. Let's call her Lucy Liu.

Side note - is it racist that I'm dating an asian girl and used an asian celebrity as her nom de plume? Should I call her Helen Mirren instead?

So Lucy and I send a lot of text messages to each other throughout the day. After about 3 dates I sent her the message "I'll call you on my way home from work - I need to talk to you about something"

Well, this worried her. She said I sounded very ominous. In the end, I just needed to clear up a miscommunication we'd had. It wasn't a big deal. I didn't want to have "The Talk" (or any of the big talks, for that matter).

And this brings us to the point of my blog. How do you tell someone that you need to talk about something important without them thinking that you're going to break up with them? There has to be some middle ground between "hey hold on a sec I have a question" and "I think it's time we had a talk".

But what is it? How can one express the need to have an important conversation (that is perhaps on the negative side) without making the other person think they are going to be eating TV dinners alone tomorrow?

I propose we start using the word CupCake. Yes, cupcake.

If you tell someone that you need to have a "cupcake conversation" then it means you need to talk about something kind of important but not necessarily relationship-threatening.

Think about it. Just picture 2 people sitting at a table eating cupcakes. It's a pleasant thought, isn't it? They might be talking about the war in Iraq, or just which Backstreet Boy is the dreamiest (I vote Nick... that's one of them right?).

And I encourage you to include an actual cupcake when you have a cupcake conversation. If you're going to talk about something semi-important then you might as well "bring an offering"

You know, I had intended this to be a serious blog post about this topic... but then I looked over at a box of cupcakes Lucy gave my yesterday... and I just got derailed. So please look past the fluff and see that there is a serious relationship issue that plagues americans every day.

This has been a public service announcement by Trip Thomas.

Allowable screw-ups in relationships

Sorry for the absence. A few years ago I decided to only blog when inspiration hit me. Unfortunately, I'm not the most oft inspired individual.

So I've been exclusively dating a woman for a few months now. To follow my normal pattern, let's call her Zooey. It's been strange, going through this process. I'd been mostly single for the past year and a half. And before that I was in a relationship for eleventy-billion years.

I've found that there's a "dance" that both people perform in the beginning. You try to show them who you really are... but mostly the good parts. You try to share everything about you... but mumble through the skeletons.

We do this because a relationship in its early stages is a precarious thing. One wrong word, One bad move, and it can all come apart.

This, of course, is the most obvious on a first date. Think about it. You're sitting there at dinner having a nice conversation, when all of a sudden she/he brings up a taboo topic. Politics, sex, religion, ex-partners... it doesn't matter which one... she/he's committed a cardinal sin. The night ends and you decide not to call them back.

Why?

Because you can only gain so much interest in someone in one date. That's really what it comes down to. Let's say that for every positive date you have with someone, your interest increases by one "unit". And for every bad experience in a date, your interest lowers by one "unit". This means that you can only raise one unit in a date (usually being counted at the end of the night) but you can certainly dig yourself deeper and deeper by messing up.

Then there's the weighting scale. Becoming exclusive with someone can be worth at least 10 or 20 units. Then milestones like "I love you", engagement, marriage... these can shoot you off the chart.

But the negative side is the same. Your bad habits that the other person doesn't like? Continual deductions. Cheat on them? You don't even want to know how bad that is.

Ok so my point is that I've been thinking a lot about how certain things can be a problem if they happen early on, whereas they wouldn't be an issue if they happened a year into the relationship. I'm not going to share the specific events I'm thinking about but here's a perfect example.

Let's say you go out on a first date with someone and they "break wind" in front of you. That's probably a deal-breaker. But if you've been dating for 6 months and spend over 50% of your time together? Then it's probably happened and it's not a big deal.

So why is that a big deal on day 1, but not a big deal on day 180? Maybe because the other person hasn't gotten to know you yet. Maybe they are still deciding if they want to be with you or not. I don't know. This probably requires more thought.

Feel free to discuss in the comments some things that have happened to you either early on or later on, which fall into this category...

Adventures in online dating #1

One of my friends has a blog which is devoted mainly to crazy dating stories (or at least that's her trend). And since I haven't blogged in a while I thought it might be a good topic for me to venture in to (since I never blog about love and relationships...)

As all my readers know, I haven't been in a serious relationship for over a year. First, I became single. And then I wrote about the post-relationship healing process. Along the way I dated some women and had a funny story or two. I've had summer flings, and winter flings. But somewhere along the way I decided that it was time to stop "playing the field". I was ready to find Ms. Right, instead of Ms Right Now.

Now, I've already written about this moment; the moment where I was ready to be in a relationship again. Of course, the issue is that there aren't lines of women waiting anxiously for me to make this declaration. I needed to go out and find them.

...And so I did.

In the past month, I've written MANY messages to women on a dating site. I get about a 30% response rate. And out of those 30%, maybe 10% are interesting enough to talk to for more than one or two messages. THEN, an even smaller percentage turn into a face-2-face meeting. Basically I'm saying that for every 20 or 30 messages I sent out, I would eventually meet 1 of those women.

So far I've met 3. One of them became "just a friend". Another was fun, but I don't know if we'll see each other again. The third woman seemed to show real promise.

And here's where the point of my blog post comes in.

I hate dating more than one person at a time. I feel like you don't give either person a real chance because you're dividing your efforts between them.

And that's a problem when I've been on dates with 2 women and may potentially meet more in the future. I can't just say to these women "I like you, but I went on a date with someone else and I want to see where that's going first. So hang around and if that strikes out then I'll call you again." Life doesn't work that way. Women don't just sit around waiting for us.

So I'm faced with all these issues. How attached can I become to any one woman? How long can I date someone before I decide they pass or fail? How do I know from just a few dates whether or not they can be a good partner for me? Are any of them reading this blog post right now and planning on dumping me?

If anyone has good dating advice then feel free to share...

Trials and Tribulations of being single

So a while back I wrote about what happens when you go through a break-up. I'm sure you all remember exactly what I'm talking about, but you can check it out HERE.

If you took the healthy route, you eventually find yourself happily single. And by "happily" I mean that you don't cry yourself to sleep at night wishing someone loved you. You're happy with yourself. You're ok being single. You've even taken the time to see what things you could have done better in the relationship - so you won't make the same mistakes again.

Alright so now let's discuss the next stage, which I will call the George Clooney phase.

In this stage, you're either going to do one of two things:
1. You're going to actively seek someone to date.
2. You're just going to live your life and see if someone falls into your lap.

Note: George Clooney always chooses #2

I'd like to point out that both of these choices are good. I'm not telling you to pick one over the other.

So let's talk about option 1. You're happy with yourself and you think you've taken enough time to heal. You're ready to jump back on the horse. Here are a few things you can try:

1. Join a club or organization. Through PADA (my ultimate frisbee league) I meet TONS of women every year. It's a great way to make new friends and date someone, especially because you know that you already have something in common.

2. Ask friends to set you up with someone. I don't suggest this. Maybe you've heard of friends who were successful with this approach but I've only heard horror stories (I mean of bad dates... not like showing up at the restaurant and finding that your friend set you up with Freddy Kreuger... man that would suck). If you're going to go this route then try to get them to introduce you to someone at a party. Meeting someone in a party is a very low-stress encounter. If you don't hit it off then just go mingle with other people.

3. Join a dating site. There are countless sites out there. Some are free; others are not. In my experience, there's no reason to pay for a dating site. Look at personal ads on CraigsList or join OKCupid.com and just start contacting people. Here's a tip - Contact as many people as possible. Cast the net out very wide. The more people you talk to, the better your chances of actually hitting it off with someone. Think of it this way: If you send out 10 e-mails, you may only get 6 responses. Then, 1 of those 6 will be someone who is paid to be on the site and they want you to join some other site which isn't free. Another 1 of the 6 may be a prostitute. So now you're down to 4 people. 1 person doesn't email you again after the first response. Another person has severe trust issues. You actually set up a date with 2 people. But one of those 2 people were using fake pictures on the site... they actually weigh 400 LBS. And the other person you meet is a transexual (seriously, I've seen them on the site.... not that there's anything wrong with that. If it's what you're in to then go for it... I'm not judging). So maybe that's an extreme situation but those are the kinds of odds you're working with. Good luck.


OK, now how about someone who chooses the George Clooney option? They decide to just live their life and not look for love. They trust that it will come to them unexpectedly. One day they will be rushing down the street, turn a corner, and bump into a super model... just like in the movies. Then they will start dating and live happily ever after. Well that doesn't actually happen in real life... get your head out of the clouds.

I'm not saying this approach is bad, but it has been known to lead to women becoming old weird cat ladies. If you don't keep your eyes open for love then you won't see it when it appears. Even if you're not pursuing it, you have to know when the time is right to pounce.

It's like that parable. A man is in a flood and he climbs on top of his house to wait for rescue. A boat comes by and offers to take the man to safety but he says, "No, God will save me." And then later on another boat comes by and they also offer to take him to safety and the man says "No, God will save me." Then later on a helicopter flies by and tries to rescue him but the man refuses again stating that God will save him. Well, the waters rise up and the man dies. When he gets to heaven he meets God and says "God, why didn't you save me??" and God says "What the hell! I sent 2 boats and a helicopter!!"

Love doesn't just happen. And good relationships don't just happen. They take the right mix of good luck and hard work. But first you have to get your foot in the door.

I hope this helps.

The big O (mission)

Yay more dating advice from rob; a man who can't hold on to a steady relationship!

I know you're all excited.

I'd like to talk about communication in relationships, and when to open up. Now, don't confuse this with the issue of when to tell the truth. I'm talking about when is the appropriate time to reveal things to the person you're dating.

For instance, last night I was watching Scrubs. The Janitor has been on a few dates with a girl and she didn't want to hold hands with him. He was convinced she was about to break up with him and it became a big issue. But by the end of the episode she revealed that she was a germ-a-phobe. So holding hands with someone just freaked her out too much. And she didn't reveal this before because she was afraid that she would have scared the Janitor off.

While that was a funny demonstration, it's a real issue that we all deal with. Everyone has idiosyncrasies, or Skeletons in our closet. So when we get into a relationship we wonder when it's appropriate to reveal these things about us. If you spill your guts too soon then they might get scared and run off. But if you wait too long then it becomes a big deal because you were hiding this thing from them for all that time.

So what do we do? Well, to be honest, I'm not sure. I'd love to say that when you find the right girl then you can just tell them everything.... but that's a load of crap.

However, I think I can tell you something NOT to do. Someone might give you the advice of casually bringing up the "topic" of your secret in conversation. That way you might see how they respond without actually tying it to you.

For example: Let's say that I was a Furry. And I wasn't sure how my girlfried would respond to that. So one day I say something like "A guy I work with likes to dress up as a dog on the weekends and hang out with other people dressed like animals." And then I hold my breath waiting for her response...which would probably be "wow, what a freak."

And you know why she would say that? Because she isn't dating that guy you work with! She's dating you, you idiot!

I guess this is the best advice I can give. Don't spill your guts on the first date. At least wait until you feel like there is enough of a connection that the casual dating could turn into something real. BUT, also make sure that you tell them your secrets before you become too emotionally involved because you want to avoid the whole "violation of trust" issue.

Of course, you could always just get really drunk with the girl right away and spill it all... people tend to take things better when they're drunk.

Can anyone add to my advice?

She blinded me with [computer] Science!

Sunday October 19th - Las Vegas, NV - 10:00 AM Local Time

I jerked awake in a haze of disorientation, pain, and nausea. I had only been asleep for 2 hours. I could barely stand up, but we needed to check out of Harrah's by 11. As I stood there in my room contemplating if I should throw up now or later, I wondered how I let myself get this far out of control... and then I remembered.

Two days earlier, I was given some disturbing news. My job security in the coming months was bad. The phrases, "budget cuts" and "lay-offs" were used. So at that moment I decided what needed to happen. If I was going to be unemployed in a month then I was going to make damn sure that this was the best vacation EVER. I had 48 hours before I needed to be on a plane back home, and a bank account with a good chunk of change set aside for "emergencies"... and this seemed to count as one.

I was gonna have some fun.

Over the next 2 days I:
- slept 4 hours total
- ate 2 small meals
- drank one glass of water
- drank LOTS of Red Bull and Vodka
- won lots of money at the tables
- spent it all at the bars/clubs

I only had a few hours that I can't recall exactly on saturday night. Luckily, I befriended a nice dancer who filled in some of those details through facebook later on.

The fun ended with a sunday morning 7AM mad dash (literally sprinting) down the strip to make sure a friend got to his plane on time. Then I stumbled back to my room and passed out. For 2 hours.

Let's jump forward to later Sunday morning. I decided that throwing up now AND later was the best idea. Then, while in my momentary state of feeling better, I started to fill my body with water, stomach medicine, headache medicine, and caffeine. I just needed to function for another 12 hours before I could be in my bed.

(I am getting to a point with all this... I just wanted to set the stage first)

So fast forward to around 2PM. We were finally on the plane. I was hurting pretty bad but thought I could keep it together for the flight home. I was sitting in a middle seat. Trian was at the window. Then this girl sits next to me in the aisle seat.

She's around my age. She's cute, and I can see a lower-back tattoo peaking out when she sits down. And then she starts fidgeting. And complaining. She hates sitting in the back of the plane. She doesn't like that some people around us have babies that are already starting to cry. It's just a constant stream - and I think she's just talking out loud and not necessarily to anyone specific. And then she's complaining that it's too hot in here.

So I turn my head towards her. And somehow fight through the pain and nausea to say, "Well [pause to breathe] any part of the plane [pause] that I'm in [pause] is always hot."

I really said that. And I sounded just like the black kid in Malcolm in the Middle who was in that wheel-chair and had asthma.

Well she finally stops talking, and she looks at me, and after a few seconds she says "was that a joke?"

me: "yeah"

her: "oh ... ok"

And then we started actually talking. We never stopped the whole way home. I learned that we had a lot in common. We both worked in IT, liked motorcycles and tattoos. We really seemed to click.

As we landed, I asked if I could show her around some time, because she was new to the area and hadn't explored philadelphia yet. She said yes.

I felt like "the man". In my half-dead state, I hit on a girl and got her number. Everything was coming up Millhouse!

Now let's jump ahead, because the point of this story isn't really about us dating. The point is how we began, and how we ended. So let's skip ahead.

Two months, and a few dates, later she was taking a trip to Asia for New Years Eve. I was excited to see her when she got back because she hadn't been to Delaware yet and I had some fun plans already in my mind.

Unfortunately, I wouldn't get to try any of those fun plans. In fact, I wouldn't get to try any plans at all. Why?

...because she was engaged when she came back to the US (And not to me).

To say the least, I was a little surprised. I mean, I couldn't be too upset or angry because we had only been on a few dates. I don't think you could say that we were even really "dating". On the other hand, I was fairly upset that I found all this out through facebook. She didn't tell me directly for a few more days. That really pissed me off.

But such is life. I got over it in a few days. And I'm not going to dig into the details here... it's not the point. You see, I bring all this up because of a conversation I had with a friend last night.

I told her the complete version from beginning to end. I even expressed how excited I had been, because if we became a couple then the story of "how we met" would be a great one to tell people.

Then she laid some knowledge on me.

I was looking at it all from the perspective that it was so cool that I had met a girl on the way back from Vegas - and that it could really turn in to something, and be a great story.

Her perspective was that, the chances of it working between us were just too slim. The chances of sitting next to a girl, on a plane, coming back from the city where "what happens stays there", and hitting it off, then her turning into "the one"... were just too slim. You don't meet future wives that way.

In truth, neither one of us is right. Or both of us are right... depends on how you look at it. I guess the advice that goes along with this story is that you should always try to see a person for who they are. Don't get distracted by unimportant details like the stuff they own, or how you met, etc. Because the attraction to those things will wear off eventually... and then you're just left with that person.

Also - life is too short to get mad about things. I got over my anger, and now I just have a funny story that I can share with people.

...I can't wait to go back to Vegas.

Dating and the Spanish Inquisition

A few weeks ago I gained a new perspective on relationships. Oddly enough, it happened while watching the movie Four Christmases. I was going to let it go but then the same topic came up in conversation this week. So I wanted to share my insight with the world. But first, let's jump back in time a bit.

I have a friend. We'll call him Sam Seaborn (he was my favorite West Wing character). Over the years, Sam and I have had a lot of conversations about women and dating. One area that we had different opinions on was: How much should you know about your partner's past?

I've always been of the opinion that I am happy to hear whatever a girl wants to tell me about her ex-partners, but I won't pry. She can keep it a secret if she wants. In fact, I had always believed that the best relationships were successful BECAUSE each partner knew when it was appropriate to keep something a secret.

Sam, on the other hand, wanted to know everything about the girl that he was dating. He wanted to know who they were, what they did, why they broke up, yada yada yada. From what I know of his past, Sam had parents who did the same thing with him. They seemed to keep him on a tight leash. So I figured that that was the reason he did that with his girlfriends. To be honest, I thought it was a little unhealthy. And then I saw Four Christmases.

For those of you who read my blog but live under a rock, and don't see movie previews, I'll give a short description. Four Christmases tells the Story of a couple who both come from dysfunctional families and they avoid them at all cost. They have a great relationship and don't feel the need to mess it up with marriage or kids or anything. Each year, at Christmas, they take a tropical vacation instead of visiting family. But when their flights get cancelled, they are forced to visit all four families (their parents are all divorced) in one day.

Of course, lots of funny situations come up, and the couple's relationship is tested. But that isn't the point. There is a sub-plot about how all the other couples in the movie know everything about their partners. They have no secrets, and that allows them to be completely open and intimate. It makes their relationships better.

I could go on about that stuff for a while but you get the idea. So now it all got me thinking. Maybe it wasn't such a bad thing to have no secrets from your significant other. Maybe it actually adds to the relationship. Maybe Sam wasn't a weirdo after all.

The only problem I see with this is that you have to be careful not to judge the person for what they tell you. You need an open mind - or they might be afraid to open up. So perhaps I've just never met someone who made me feel comfortable enough to be completely open with. And perhaps Sam is still a little strange for prying into his girlfriend's past so early on in the relationship. But I think that maybe he has the right idea.

The next time I find myself in a relationship I'll give it a try.

Crossing Signals: A Mars and Venus Introspection

Animals don't speak the same language. Dogs bark. Cows moo. You get the idea. But the reason that they can co-exist is that they use a physical language. They use actions instead of words. They growl, cower, hide, lick, etc and find ways to get their points across.

People do this too.

You can identify a bully by his physical movements. You can identify a hardcore nerd the same way. But let's skip over that part. This blog is about my thoughts on love and relationships (I apologize if my advice over the years has gotten any of you in trouble... though it really serves you right for listening)

Let's go back to my college years for a story. I hope I haven't told this one before.

There was a girl that I liked. And instead of using the normal "be mean to her so she knows I like her" routine, I decided to try showing an interest and let the rest work itself out. So I ate lunch with her a few times, and talked to her at parties, ya know, normal stuff. And then came one fateful night that confused me for a long time.

On one particular Saturday night, she called me just before midnight (not late by college standards) to see if I wanted to watch a movie. Now, everyone knows that this is a "code". By asking to watch a movie so late at night on a weekend she was telling me that I was "in". And so she comes over and we watched Being John Malkovich.

Ok let me take a break here to talk about how I operate in these situations. You see, the last thing anyone wants is to lean in for a kiss and be denied. It sucks (um, not that it's ever happened to me). And so I use a method that I call "knocking on the door". It's really not a method... and it's not original... but I put forth a series of signals to see how she responds. I might slide closer to her on the couch or put my hand on her leg. That way, if she isn't interested then she can just slide away or remove my hand. On the other hand, if she IS interested then she would respond in kind by snuggling against me or putting her hand on top of mine. It seems simple right? Sure, this works fine 99% of the time. EXCEPT IF SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND YOUR SIGNALS. Now back to the story.

So I slide close to her on the couch. She doesn't respond... just sits there. Then the movie ends and we put on TV and start talking (it's around 2AM). Since I didn't get a response to my first signal I decide to move on to #2 and I put my hand on her leg. nothin. She just sits there and keeps talking to me. She's not showing that any of the things I'm doing are bad... she just isn't giving any signals back.

Well, to make a long story short, this goes on until 7AM... me giving signals and her accepting them but not responding. We're tired and I decide to drive her home.

After that night we hang out once or twice more but then all of a sudden she starts ignoring me and hangs out with some other guy. That's not really relevant to the story, though.

Every now and then we would talk after that (usually on AIM) and once or twice I asked if she really just wanted to come over and watch a movie that night... that she didn't have any alterior motives. Of course, she acted innocently and said that the movie was all she was after.

But wait, there's more. Two or three years later we were talking - and I flipped out at her for something and I guess my old frustrations from that night (I tend to not let things go very quickly) began to resurface. While arguing, she admitted that she really wanted me to kiss her that night and she didn't understand why I didn't do it. This, of course, made me freak out and rant for hours about how daft she was.

Alright let's move back to the present and explain why that story needed to be told.

Recently, I was on a few dates with a girl. Actually, the story about how we met is pretty funny but I don't want to get off topic. So I get into the same situation as what happened in college. I think that she likes me, and she accepts my advances... but never gives any signals back.

We went through 2 dates like this. I was beginning to think that maybe she was just looking for a friend to hang out with.

Well, I was determined to not let this one end the same way as in college - so on the third date I just decided to kiss her at a random point in the night. And ya know what? it worked.

What I had to realize was that not everyone uses (or interprets) the same signals. I guess that's part of building a relationship with someone... learning what those signals are.

So my advice is this: If you're with someone and you feel like your signals are getting crossed then take a step back and try to see if she might be using a different set of signals than what you're used to. It may just save the date.

...but don't take my word for it.

You can't win if you don't play

In my long 27 (almost 28) years on this planet, I've noticed a trend. And I think I need to educate some of you readers on this great issue. Please take this advice to heart - you'll thank me later.

If you're constantly meeting people of the opposite sex who turn out to be crappy candidates for a relationship then YOU'RE DOING SOMETHING WRONG.

I will amend that with one more statement, though.

If you're out there trying to meet new people and it isn't working for you, AND you're not doing anything wrong, then YOUR STANDARDS ARE TOO HIGH.

But we'll get back to that one. Let's focus on the first statement for now.

This past weekend I was hanging out with a bunch of friends from my college Ultimate Frisbee team. When we get together, we act like we're in college again. Lots of binge drinking, and general jack-ass-ery. This includes the men AND women.

But there was something different this time. Something that I couldn't quite put my finger on at first. And then it hit me.

They were married.

A lot of the people at that party were already hitched. And their spouses were at the party too. But here's the kicker... their spouses fit right in with us.

In a past relationship that I won't name, I kept my girlfriend far far away from any ultimate frisbee gatherings because I knew she would just wind up offended and bored. She didn't fit in with these people, and therefore she didn't fit in with a part of me.

This made me start to think about what kind of woman I wanted to find... and where that kind of woman would hang out. Sure, it seems obvious but I never really considered it before.

If I wanted to find a woman who could let her hair down and pretend she's a college kid for a night then I'd probably find one at a crazy party or a club or vegas. AND, one of the first things that I would find out about that girl is what she was like in college. If she didn't party back then, then she probably won't party now.

So that's my first bit of advice. If you have had a run of bad luck picking dates then take a moment to decide what kind of person you want to find and then figure out where those people hang out.

Now let's move on to the second bit.

I don't consider myself to be an amazingly handsome guy. I have no complaints with the way I look, mind you... but I don't rank myself up there with Ryan Reynolds (he's so dreamy). Therefore, I don't try to go nab super models or spoiled rich brats. It's not necessarily that they are out of my league... but they probably don't mesh with my behaviors and lifestyle.

So that's my second point. If you have found the kind of people you want to date, AND you know where they hang out, BUT it hasn't been working so far, THEN you either need to change yourself OR change your standards.

If I wanted to get a girl who goes to the club and parties and dances then I can't go to the club and sit around waiting to talk to one of them... I would need to learn to dance. I would have to change my tactics to make myself more attractive to those people.

In short, my advice is to stop whining and go meet someone... but take some time to plan it out and do it right.

Thus endeth the advice from a man who has problems emotionally committing to women right now.

We were on a break!

I have a post coming about wedding toasts but it will have to wait for the footage of my last toast to hit youtube so I can embed it. Until then, let's talk about the transition from one relationship to the next.

The point of this is not to say that I'm in a new relationship. I'm not. Instead, I want to look at the recovery period one goes through after a break-up.

Why am I writing about it? Because this is the first time I actually went through it. But we're jumping ahead.

We've all been through a break-up. Ok, that's not true. I've known at least one person who married his first girlfriend, but that's neither here nor there.

Most of us have gone through a break-up. And regardless of whether you were the breaker or the breakee, you have to go through a healing process...in a manner of speaking. I think there are a few main ways in which a person will act after a break-up.

1. They jump into another relationship.
2. They sit around pining for their lost love, or try to get them back.
3. They take the time to heal.

In the past I had often taken paths 1 or 2. They are the easy ways out, at least in the short-term. But they also carry the biggest baggage. So this time around I opted for number 3. Sort of.

They say that you can calculate the "healing time" from a break-up by take the total number of months you spent together and divide that by 2. So if you dated someone for a year, then it should take 6 months to heal. But what does that mean exactly? Let's break it down.

I believe there are 2 parts to healing from a break-up. First, you have to build up a wall again. In a relationship you let down your guard and become exposed to your partner. Once you break up you need to learn to close back up again. Otherwise, you could project your feelings right on to a new person prematurely. And this is common sense. We all know this part.

But here's a new part that I hadn't been aware of until recently. Once you close off your heart again, you have to open it up some. After you're closed up, you don't have the ability to become emotionally involved with someone. You just can't do it. You're too guarded, and afraid of the pain that goes along with it.

People often overlook this phase, because once you close everything up then you're ready to date again. You're ready to get out there and meet new people. Unfortunately, you're doomed to failure because you won't be able to make any real connections.

I found that I was ready to get out and date again after only 3 or 4 months. But it took another month or two before I realized that I wasn't making any "connections" with the girls I dated. So each one would end after a few dates because I thought I just wasn't interested in them.

So I know this is a total rambling post (more so than usual) but here is my advice.
1. Take a while to heal after a break-up.
2. If you're in phase 2 and start dating someone then let them know up front what you're going through. I bet they will understand - and it takes the pressure off you to feel something that you don't.
3. If you're going to break up with a girl - don't say that it's because you just aren't in a place to get emotionally attached. They will read that as "I'm not in a place to get emotionally attached to YOU." and nothing you say will change their minds. So in this case I suggest lying. Make up something that doesn't leave them feeling so dejected, since it really isn't there fault.

Anyway, always remember to take any of my advice with a gigantic mountain-sized grain of salt. Because we all know I'm far from perfect.

Dating out of your League

A few years ago I wrote a post about pivotal moments that can significantly change your life. You can read it here. In that post, I mentioned that one of my pivotal moments had centered around a girl. You see, I felt that there had been a specific moment where I had the chance to win over a girl who was way out of my league - and that would have improved my life. But instead I missed my chance and life went on.

Well, tonight I was talking to an ex-girlfriend about another similar situation. I had met a girl a while back and became instantly attracted to her. I developed a classic "School boy crush" on her. But I hardly knew this girl and lost my window of opportunity very quickly. And like that, *poof* she was gone.

The point is that I was telling my ex that I would have been "trading up" if I had been able to go on a date with this new girl. And then my Ex got a little testy when I told her that I hadn't been "trading up" when I dated her. So then I had to delve in to my personal definition of "trading up" and also explain how relative it is.

Afterwards we started talking about how great the word "relative" is... but that's neither here nor there.

Let's talk about Trading Up.

For the purpose of this discussion, we will separate people in to 3 categories. Those that are better than us, those that are the same as us, and those that are not as good as us. And just so I don't sound like a complete ass, I will explain that further in a moment.

To really explain that, we need to talk about the qualities we want in a partner. Let's pick some stereotypical (and vague) attributes like:

Someone who is rich, good looking, smart, funny, talented, motivated, good job, athletic, etc.

Now when you meet someone, you compare them to you in each of these areas. If they score better than you in a lot of them then you would put them in the "better than you" category. If they are better in some areas and worse in some then they are in the same category as you, etc. You get the idea.

Ok back to "trading up". For me, it's not enough that they are a little better than me. To trade up, someone has to be A LOT better. I once chased a girl who was working on a doctorate in a science-related field, was a better runner than I was, was super hot, could sing and dance and play some instruments, and even went to church. She blew me out of the water in most categories. If I had ever dated her then I would have been trading up.

Trading up can be good, if it causes you to be motivated to work hard at your relationship. It can help you to constantly appreciate what you have, and not want to mess it up. Of course, if you trade up too far then you'll have to work too hard... and eventually get tired of always having to work so hard... it's a tricky balance.

Normally, we date people in our own class. That's common. That's normal. So to all of my ex's, please don't be offended when I say I never traded up with you.

Ever been with someone who had a crappy job, no motivation to better themselves, and you wondered why you were even with them? That's dating down. Don't do that.

So, um, I guess that's it. I hope you've learned something. But don't take my word for it (insert Reading Ranbow music)

Some call me the Ganster of Love

WARNING: I may have posted about this before. I'll check later on.

Sometimes it's hard to find the right opening for a blog. Something catchy. Something flashy. Something that increases the chances of Joe Shmoe staying to read the rest. In high school, I ran for Student Council Vice President. Ya wanna know why? It was because you got to give a speech over the PA system during homeroom. Every person in the school would hear you. The very first line of my speech was, "Let's talk about sex." which is a risque way to start a speech when you're 16. I lost the election, but I sure had fun doing it. And thinking about that story gives me an idea of how this post should begin (I know, too late)...

I'm single again.

Yes, that's right. We are no longer Rob and J-Love. It's just Rob. But don't worry, this post isn't about that. But that detail will be important later on. And no, I'm not going to go into the sordid details of our break-up. Let me just say that it was amicable, and we hope to be friends again once the wounds heal.

Now tuck that away for a few minutes and let's move on.

I know a girl. I've never spoken to her. Never heard her voice. Never seen her in person. I know this girl through the web. We both loiter in some of the same virtual places, so it was bound to happen eventually. We haven't spoken much, but we've traded blog links and therefore share our thoughts quite often.

Now here is where that previous detail comes in to play. When I changed my Facebook status to "single" she sent me a message asking how I was doing. I believe she had recently gone through a break-up as well so we talked about that for a while.

Now we're getting closer to the point at hand. Just recently, this girl sent me an IM and offered me a ticket to a sporting event that she and a few friends were going to. I had something else on my agenda for that particular time so I had to turn her down.

I need to ask a question here: When you read that last paragraph, what did you read in to the situation? Did you think that she was asking me out?

I'm writing the blog because that was the first thing that I thought as well. And then I was a little mad at myself for having thought that right away. She had never given an indication that she wanted anything more than a friend to talk to... and yet I assumed that because I was a guy and she was a girl, that she must obviously be trying to date me.

And it's not that I'd have a problem dating her. That's not what this is about. It's the fact that I think most people make this assumption when someone of the opposite sex acts in an out-going manner towards them.

A few months ago I was at the gym when the lady on the Elliptical machine next to me just started talking. She asked me a question about the gym, but then just kept talking. So when I got home from the gym, the first thing I said to J-Love was "This lady at the gym was hitting on my today." But all she was talking about was the gym and her job. She never gave any indication of trying to ask me out or flirt with me. Maybe she just wanted a new friend. Maybe she liked meeting people.

This is something I think about a lot. It's difficult to be friends with the opposite sex. Or at least difficult to "become" friends.

I wish I could just talk to a woman in a coffee shop for no particular reason. Not hit on her. Not ask for her number. Just chat. and then leave. Maybe this should be a new goal for me. To try talking to a new random person each week. But to not be annoying... like a certain tiny shawnee grad I know...

Ok, just to jump back, I don't know if that girl was trying to ask me out or not when she offered the sports tickets. I suppose that if she was then she might try again. Of course, she also reads this blog so she now knows what I'm thinking. So I've corrupted the experiment. Oh well, maybe she'll just tell me.