A few weeks ago I gained a new perspective on relationships. Oddly enough, it happened while watching the movie Four Christmases. I was going to let it go but then the same topic came up in conversation this week. So I wanted to share my insight with the world. But first, let's jump back in time a bit.
I have a friend. We'll call him Sam Seaborn (he was my favorite West Wing character). Over the years, Sam and I have had a lot of conversations about women and dating. One area that we had different opinions on was: How much should you know about your partner's past?
I've always been of the opinion that I am happy to hear whatever a girl wants to tell me about her ex-partners, but I won't pry. She can keep it a secret if she wants. In fact, I had always believed that the best relationships were successful BECAUSE each partner knew when it was appropriate to keep something a secret.
Sam, on the other hand, wanted to know everything about the girl that he was dating. He wanted to know who they were, what they did, why they broke up, yada yada yada. From what I know of his past, Sam had parents who did the same thing with him. They seemed to keep him on a tight leash. So I figured that that was the reason he did that with his girlfriends. To be honest, I thought it was a little unhealthy. And then I saw Four Christmases.
For those of you who read my blog but live under a rock, and don't see movie previews, I'll give a short description. Four Christmases tells the Story of a couple who both come from dysfunctional families and they avoid them at all cost. They have a great relationship and don't feel the need to mess it up with marriage or kids or anything. Each year, at Christmas, they take a tropical vacation instead of visiting family. But when their flights get cancelled, they are forced to visit all four families (their parents are all divorced) in one day.
Of course, lots of funny situations come up, and the couple's relationship is tested. But that isn't the point. There is a sub-plot about how all the other couples in the movie know everything about their partners. They have no secrets, and that allows them to be completely open and intimate. It makes their relationships better.
I could go on about that stuff for a while but you get the idea. So now it all got me thinking. Maybe it wasn't such a bad thing to have no secrets from your significant other. Maybe it actually adds to the relationship. Maybe Sam wasn't a weirdo after all.
The only problem I see with this is that you have to be careful not to judge the person for what they tell you. You need an open mind - or they might be afraid to open up. So perhaps I've just never met someone who made me feel comfortable enough to be completely open with. And perhaps Sam is still a little strange for prying into his girlfriend's past so early on in the relationship. But I think that maybe he has the right idea.
The next time I find myself in a relationship I'll give it a try.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Dating and the Spanish Inquisition
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
8 comments:
I'm concerned that your taking relationship cues from the movie Four Christmases, but hey you're your own person.
You're right - I should have taken a few more days to talk to "real couples" about this first to see if it exists in the real world.
There is something to be said for getting your baggage out there, but there is also such a thing as too much information. I mean, if you've been in prison or have been married or have a kid, that's something you should share. If you had several college indiscretions, maybe details aren't needed for that kind of thing. Everyone has a past. What matters is the person you are now, and the person you are with should appreciate that.
You have to be honest with your significant other and disclose in reasonable detail your history. Yes, discussing your past may lead to temporary awkwardness and embarrasment, but the relationship will be stronger for it. Plus, whatever you bring up now won't surprise you and bite you in the ass later.
Still, I agree there is ONE situation where keeping quiet is definitely the way to go. Ready? When you're friends or family have something negative to say about your significant other, ponder on those comments, but keep them to yourself. If you agree with said comments, like "Hey dude, you're girlfriend smells like ketchup", think of a nice way to bring up the subject with your other, but make sure you establish that this is an idea that you came up with on your own. This is the only situation in a relationship where I believe "less is more".
Otherwise, tell 'em everything ... EVERYTHING!
I had a long comment!
The issue is, when they ask you about your past, you have to tell them how you accidently slept with a prostitute. Honestly...I tripped over something.
Anyways, my feeling always was: you cannot really know a person without knowing their past. Not what they did, so much as the choices they made. A fine line, to be sure. But how can you know who a "person is now" unless you know what choices they've made in the past? Most people agree that a few one night stands in college doesn't mean someone is morally bankrupt. People change all the time. But that information is still important...because people don't always change. Knowledge of someone's past gives you an excellent indication of who they are now and what choices they'll make in the future.
I'm sure some people disagree with this, and that's fine. Do what works for you. This happened to work great for me. My wife (Lisa Sherborne-Seaborn) and I are very happily married, and our baby, Little Schmootzie-Pants, is happy and healthy. So, it worked for us. Doesn't mean its the only way.
Lisa Sherborn. Was that the "We almost cured cancer" episode?
And I like how you put that, "Not what they did, so much as the choices they made."
That's a good distinction.
Post a Comment