Four Months - By Maggie Q

The following is another guest blog from Maggie Q. I'll respond to it in my next post.... because I definitely have a response...

Today we hit the magical four-month mark. (There's really nothing that magical about the four-month mark.) We’ve made it through a bunch of major holidays: Halloween, both our birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, and Valentine's Day. We didn't actually spend Thanksgiving or Christmas together (WAY TOO SOON) and I don't think we've actually been in the same city on our monthly anniversary.

Although I will mention that a week or two before Thanksgiving, Trip had remarked, "Well if you were staying in town, I'd just bring you home with me."

"Um, yeah...and meet your parents?" (Keep in mind we had only been dating for a matter of weeks at this point.)

"Oh. Right. Too soon."

Well, I did in fact meet the parents last month, and one of the three sisters (all three of them had friend requested me on Facebook… within weeks of our first date). Soon after that, we officially declared our relationship on Facebook. And I accepted all the sisterly friend requests, and his mother's too. I’ve also met the Frisbee friends, former coworkers, the college friends, and the high school friends.

So all is going well and I'll spare you the sappy details. Obviously then, the next logical step in the relationship occurred last weekend...when he begins a cupcake conversation without bringing me any cupcakes. (He did get me this ginormous slice of Godiva chocolate cheesecake for Valentine's Day, so I guess I'll let him slide on that.)

He asked me when I was thinking of having babies.

Translation in Maggie Q's head: "I want you to have my babies."

I would be lying if I said I expected this talk. At any time soon. Or even in another four months. If my initial reaction was an emoticon, it'd be this:

o.O

I think I hid my surprise pretty well. Maybe not. I mean, it's been a while (oh, maybe 4 years) since I've been in a long-term relationship, and maybe this is what happens when you date a guy who has just hit 30.

What I found more surprising is he then said he's been meaning to bring this up for "a while." Wait now… what's "a while"? We haven't even been dating for "a while"!

Anyway, what surprised me most was that after the initial shock, I wasn't as freaked out about the whole concept as I thought I would've been. Maybe that's what happens when you find a guy you really like and you just hit 29 (we're one year and 9 days apart).

Maybe there is something magical about the four-month mark.

Oh, and if you were wondering, we are not planning to have babies any time soon. And by “any time soon” I mean much, much longer than “a while.”

The end.

Warming Up the cupcake conversation

Relationships can be tough. There's a lot to learn, and not a lot of time to do it in. One wrong move and everything crumbles like...well.. like something that's really crumbly.

This is where I come in. Every time my deck of cards falls apart, I stop and think about what went wrong and how I can do it better in the future. Or, in some cases, I learn that some types of women should be avoided at all costs. And if my nugget of wisdom proves to have value then I try to pass it along to my faithful readers (hi trian) so they can avoid my pitfalls.

oh... cookies are crumbly... that would have been a good analogy up at the top there. oh well, maybe next time.

Where was I? Oh right, today's advice. As with all of my advice, I ask you to keep one thing in mind. I have no credibility whatsoever.

If you recall, I had written a post about the "cupcake" conversation (you can read it HERE). It was a way for you to tell your partner that you had something important to talk about without them thinking you were about to break up with them. Well, today it related to that.

If you're like me, then you have a hard time starting these important conversations. It's a delicate thing. You can't just jump in with the main point. You have to ease your way in. Remember, you have been thinking about this topic all day while your partner may be thinking about pizza.

Side note: Pizza is really awesome. Seriously. Probably my favorite food.

So to make sure that everyone is in the correct frame of mind, try warming them up with an opening bit. No, I don't mean like a comedy bit. I mean, think of your topic in the broad sense and talk about it generally before getting down in to specifics. Let's try to come up with an example.

Ok I don't know how well this will work but I'll give it a try.

Let's say that you really love Star Trek. You watch it all the time. You have the "action figures". You even dress up and go to the conventions. But your partner doesn't know this about you. All they know is that you like the show, and you've gotten them to watch it with you a few times.

Now, from past experience, you know that if they aren't cool with you doing all this Trekkie stuff then the relationship just won't last. And you really like them so you want it to last. And you decide that it's time to lay it all out to them and see how they respond.

Here are two ways that you could handle this:

1. Ask your partner to come over. Then answer the door in full Klingon regalia and brandish a bat'le (I think that's the right word... I haven't been a star trek enthusiast for about 15 years). How is that going to end? Possibly with them in therapy... Definitely with you being single.

2. You sit them down and start with an opening conversation about managing expectations. You warm them up with a topic that will get them in the right mindset You say something like this:

"I have a friend who recently moved in with his girlfriend. He had this cool room with all his movie posters and musical instruments and computers and stuff. It was a real man cave filled with the things that he was passionate about. But the moment his girlfriend moved in, she re-claimed the room for herself. She told him that he needed to grow up and forget this old stuff. And a few months later they broke up. They she just never accepted him for who he was and wanted to change him. If she had joined him in some of those interests then maybe they'd be happy today. But it could also be that he didn't properly tell her that he loved those things, so she didn't realize how important they were to him. They didn't manage each others expectations well. So I'd like to talk to you about something in hopes that we wouldn't wind up in that situation..."

Here is where you tell them how much you love Star Trek. Then you follow that up with explaining that you've found, from past relationships, that if your partner doesn't share your interest at all (hates the show, won't go to conventions, dress as an Orion Slave Girl in bed [pulled that one out just for Weng], etc) then the relationship probably won't survive.

You may still crash and burn with this attempt, but it has a much higher chance of working. You set the stage giving an example of someone else who has this kind of problem, and then ease your way in to explaining how important Star Trek is to you. Make sure to also explain that you hope they will go along with this because you really like them... but if they can't do it then you'd rather find out now before it's too late (been married for 10 years and have 3 kids).

So I guess that's really 2 pieces of advice. One, you need to manage expectations and effectively communicate things that are important to you. Two, you need to do it in such a way that it won't blow up in your face.

As always, if you have any questions that need answered, feel free to email me and I'll respond the best I can.

You have just read another edition of Ask The Experts

Advice for a First Date: A Woman's Perspective

NOTE:
The following is a guest blog written by Maggie Q. Yesterday I posted my version of this story so if you haven't read it yet then go HERE. Otherwise read on. I haven't changed anything except for replacing my actual name with my online name (Trip Thomas). I realize that my blog isn't exactly anonymous but I'd like to keep random googlers from finding it when they search for me.

A guest blog on dating & relationships, from Trip's much better half.

The boy suggested I write a guest blog on relationships.

So much to say on such a broad topic.

Does he want me to blog about relationships in general, or about our relationship in particular? Or about me? Well, maybe I'll talk about our first date so that the boys that read this can get some insight via a girl's point of view.

Let's see. So we met on the internet. Some people are embarrassed to admit this, and I'm really not, as it's pretty common these days and You've Got Mail with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan came out over a decade ago. I think. So while I'm not embarrassed about this, I admit that it's a pretty boring "how we met" story. Sometimes I like to say "We met at church. It was an abstinence workshop." Because knowing both of us, that would be an awesome "how we met" story.

(Some people don't get my humor because they can't tell if I'm joking or not. I totally abuse this.)

The truth is, we met in person for the first time in front of a Happy Harry's Drugstore. He was on his iphone, Facebooking, probably something about how he was about to go on a first date with this incredibly awesome girl he met on the internet and really hoped that she wasn't really fat.

Because some people post old pictures of themselves on their dating profiles from way before they got fat.

I was actually going to contact Trip a couple months before I actually did because I liked his dating profile. Until I saw that one of his photos was of him and an ex-girlfriend. Who does that?!

Anyway, we met in front of Happy Harry's. He had bought some gum at Happy Harry's because he was hoping that the date would go well, and then we would get to make out at the end. He never told me this, I just knew. All girls know this: whenever a guy offers you gum or a mint towards the end of a date, it means he wants to kiss you. Though I didn't know at the beginning of the date that that was what he bought at Happy Harry's.

I liked him right away. Turns out that some of the photos that HE posted on his profile were pretty old but luckily he hadn't gotten fat since they were taken. Because you know what? I don't go for fat guys either. I am sure somewhere in this blog he has rambled about how he doesn't date fatties. Or ugly chicks.

I already knew I would like him because he was the only guy I met online who made me laugh out loud over an email. It's amazing how many people out there can't write for shit and I'm a grammar snob, so it was refreshing to meet someone else who could not only write well but make me laugh really hard before we even met in person.

It was about a concept for a zombie "adult movie." I guess that was my pick-up line in response to something he said in his profile, and it got his attention. So I liked his personality and was really hoping that he wasn't a troll in person. I mean, I signed up for this dating website about a year ago now and had met 10 other guys in person before Trip. So I've had my share of guys who seemed cool over email and looked nothing like their profile picture. Like they've turned out fatter or have a full beard. Or are shorter than advertised.

Because I'm a total height snob too. But I put that in my dating profile. I've learned that guys who are under 6 feet tall tend to add about 2 inches to their actual height, whereas guys who are 6'1" or taller are usually truthful because they don't need to lie. I'm almost 5'9" but I put that I am 5'8". So when a guy who is 5'10" says that he is 6' it is SO obvious when we meet in person.

So this Trip guy was actually tall like he said he was. As I was saying, I already knew I really liked his personality and thought he was funny over email but was hoping he wasn't a troll. He wasn't a troll at all. I thought he was really cute but over the course of this first date, he tells me a few terrible jokes. But he was super cute so I laughed. There were some that were actually funny, but I still laughed at the ones that weren't so funny because he was cute.

It's kind of like when a guy is hitting on you at a bar. If he's hot, it really doesn't matter what the pickup line is. But if he's a troll, it also really doesn't matter what the pickup line is.

Then again, I have to admit that I like bad jokes. And bad movies too, like Snakes on a Plane. (That was hilarious! Yet so terrible!) So clearly we were meant for each other.

I think our first date lasted over 9 hours because we started at 3 in the afternoon at a pumpkin patch and corn maze, and kept wanting to do more stuff. So we also had dinner and then went to get some post-dinner/pre-movie drinks, then went to a movie.

By the end of the date, I could tell he liked me because of three things:
1. halfway through the date he had already asked me out to a second AND a third date. (Who does that?!) The second date involved meeting all his friends. I'm thinking he must really like me if he already wants me to meet his friends. Either that or he's some man-whore who always asks girls to meet his friends on the second date.
2. when we were trying to figure out what to do after dinner, he said "it's too bad we haven't been dating longer because..." This was with regards to carving the pumpkins; if we'd been dating longer, he would've invited me over to his place to carve the pumpkins. So I figured he *wasn't* a man-whore because if he was, he would've invited me over to his place on the first date. Right?
3. the gum thing. He offered me gum because he totally wanted to make out with me.

Of course by the end of the date there's that "do we kiss or not" moment. I like when it's the guy who makes the move because you aren't always sure if they like you or not. So the confusing part is that OBVIOUSLY this guy likes me, but he's not making the move. Later I find out it's because he's got the fear of going in for the kiss and having the girl kind of duck away, like when Jason Segal goes for Mila Kunis in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

Jesus, Trip. Man up!

Anyway, this first date story is from my point of view, right? So maybe even though it was obvious to me that he liked me, it wasn't obvious to him that I liked him. And I wanted to kiss him, dammit. I mean, this might just be me, but if there's no first date kiss then there is clearly not enough chemistry to warrant having a second date. Sure, go have a second date, but don't be surprised if he turns out to be a prude who apologizes when you brush hands. Screw that. Did I go onto this dating website to find my gay best friend? No.

So I kissed him because he wouldn't stop rambling about something, since he was being too much of a girl to make the first move. I'm not sure why he would think I didn't like him enough to want to kiss him, I mean there were plenty of bailout options throughout the date if I didn't like him.

A girl does not go out with a guy for 9 hours if she doesn't want to kiss him at the end of the date!!

Well that was about two months ago. I think it's only fair that we get Trip's side of the story now.

The end.

Advice for a First Date

Last week I asked Maggie Q (formerly known as Lucy Liu) to write a guest blog for my page. She decided to write about our first date, and that's all I know. I haven't read it yet because she asked me to write about the same topic and then post both stories for you kind readers. This is tough for me for two reasons. One, these days I only blog when I feel an inspiration. I feel that there's enough crap out there so I shouldn't add to it. Two, I try to write advice columns more than stories (because seriously, who wants to read my boring stories?).

Well, in the end I've decided to talk about how I prepared for our first date. I'll break down some advice and mix in the story of our first date. So let's get started.

There are 4 main aspects to a first date:
1. The initial meeting.
2. The main activity of the date.
3. More activities if things are going well.
4. How to end the date.


The Initial Meeting:
If you've met someone before, then this is easy. One of you can pick the other up, and head out to the main activity. However, if it's a blind date OR someone you met online (which is where I fit in) then you really have to pick a neutral meeting place. I once offered to pick a girl up for a first date and she freaked out - and alluded to the possibility that I was an axe murderer. So the best idea is to pick a main activity in the area that you both live, and just meet there. This is also good because if the date falls apart then you both have a means of escape.

Maggie and I hit it off so we weren't too worried about this. We met in front of a drug store (by her house) and I drove us to the date. I guess that is kind of weird. She just hopped in the car with a stranger. I should probably ask her about that.

The Main Activity:
There are two directions you can go with a main activity. You can take the safe approach and head to a bar/restaurant, or head out to do something out of the ordinary. I've had luck with both. It just depends on how comfortable you are with sitting face to face and carrying on a conversation. Going out and doing something different can leave a great impression on the girl and improve your chances of getting a second date. However, there's also a chance that you'll pick something that turns out to be really lame. The time of year also factors in to this decision. It's hard to find outdoor activities in the middle of winter.

When Maggie and I talked on the phone for the first time, I threw out a few questions to get ideas for our first date. She mentioned that she had never been to a corn maze but really wanted to go. Luckily there was one right in Delaware (and this happened to by the week before Halloween so our timing was perfect). The place had a corn maze, pumpkin picking, hay rides, etc. so I trusted that that could keep us occupied for a while. It was cool because we could walk around while we talked. We never had to have those awkward moments where you just look at each other with nothing to say.

Post-Activity activities:
If your date is going well then you may not want it to end, so you better have some more activities lined up. There's less pressure at this point so don't over-think it. You're already getting along well so you could just have a few bars or movies in mind. Still keep it neutral. Don't try to get her back to your place. Play it cool.

We hit the the corn maze in the afternoon, so when we left I asked her if she wanted to get dinner. Then, when dinner was a success we decided to follow that up with a movie. When all was said and done, our first date lasted about 8 hours.

The End of the Date:
Ok, you made it through at least one activity without the girl running away in an offended rage. Whether you're taking her back home, or just bidding adieu at the neutral meeting place, there's always the same question; how do you say goodbye? Kiss? Hug? Handshake? Fist Pound? Books and movies will give you a thousand clues to look for but it really comes down to one thing. Is she lingering there in front of you, or trying to get away? If you're standing 2 feet apart making awkward small talk while she stares into your eyes then you have the green light for a kiss. If you're not sure then go for the hug. There's not much worse than going in for a kiss when she's closed for business. I will sometimes give commentary on the moment, to lighten the mood. "So here we stand at that crucial moment. Should we go in for the awkward hug?" Of course that can backfire and ruin your chances at a kiss. This one is really up to you. Use your judgement.

I seem to recall the end of my night being a little awkward. We made small talk for a few minutes (because there was a car parked next to where we were standing and they were staring at us). In the end, she leaned in for the kiss before I had a chance to make my move. I like a woman who doesn't just stand there waiting for the guy.

Reflections:
As first dates go, this one ranks pretty high. She laughed at my jokes, we didn't really have awkward pauses, and we're still dating today. None of that is a surprise, of course. This is the girl who had originally emailed me (on the dating website) and basically asked about my thoughts on "zombie porn movies". I knew we'd hit it off :-)

So now I am going to finally read her blog that she sent me. I'll post that one up tomorrow or later in the week.

We Need to Talk

It's time to get back to my area of expertise: Love and Relationships.

...ok, I'll wait until the laughter dies down...

...No? Not done yet? Maybe I'll go get a soda...

...Alright seriously, just stop laughing now it's not that funny...

Anyway. Recently I've been dating a new girl. Let's call her Lucy Liu.

Side note - is it racist that I'm dating an asian girl and used an asian celebrity as her nom de plume? Should I call her Helen Mirren instead?

So Lucy and I send a lot of text messages to each other throughout the day. After about 3 dates I sent her the message "I'll call you on my way home from work - I need to talk to you about something"

Well, this worried her. She said I sounded very ominous. In the end, I just needed to clear up a miscommunication we'd had. It wasn't a big deal. I didn't want to have "The Talk" (or any of the big talks, for that matter).

And this brings us to the point of my blog. How do you tell someone that you need to talk about something important without them thinking that you're going to break up with them? There has to be some middle ground between "hey hold on a sec I have a question" and "I think it's time we had a talk".

But what is it? How can one express the need to have an important conversation (that is perhaps on the negative side) without making the other person think they are going to be eating TV dinners alone tomorrow?

I propose we start using the word CupCake. Yes, cupcake.

If you tell someone that you need to have a "cupcake conversation" then it means you need to talk about something kind of important but not necessarily relationship-threatening.

Think about it. Just picture 2 people sitting at a table eating cupcakes. It's a pleasant thought, isn't it? They might be talking about the war in Iraq, or just which Backstreet Boy is the dreamiest (I vote Nick... that's one of them right?).

And I encourage you to include an actual cupcake when you have a cupcake conversation. If you're going to talk about something semi-important then you might as well "bring an offering"

You know, I had intended this to be a serious blog post about this topic... but then I looked over at a box of cupcakes Lucy gave my yesterday... and I just got derailed. So please look past the fluff and see that there is a serious relationship issue that plagues americans every day.

This has been a public service announcement by Trip Thomas.

Romanticizing Past Relationships

Once again, TV has taught me a valuable life lesson. And I would like to share it with you all.


When it comes to break-ups, people tend to fall into one of two categories. You either cut that person out of your life or you try to remain friends. I've always gone the "friends" route. My view is that you shared some part of yourself with that person, and created a connection, so there's no reason to let that go to waste. Some of my very close female friends were once my girlfriend.

Understandably, there is a problem that sometimes arises. We've all gone through this. After a relationship ends, you often begin to forget the bad things that happened. You try to focus on the good things. So after a while you think, "Hey why did we break up in the first place?" or "Maybe we should try again." But I would say that 90% of the time this ends in disaster. All those problems will come rushing back the first time you have an argument. No, it's best to let Ex-partners remain in the past.

So what can we do to help prevent this situation? The TV show How I Met Your Mother gave us an answer.

Write a letter to your future self.

Right after a break-up, sit down and write a letter to yourself that details every reason that the two of you broke up. Make sure to place emphasis on all of the bad stuff. Every annoying habit. Just get it all out.

Not only will this serve as good therapy, but it can prevent you from making a big mistake later on in life.

And thus endeth Rob's Relationship Advice of the day.

Allowable screw-ups in relationships

Sorry for the absence. A few years ago I decided to only blog when inspiration hit me. Unfortunately, I'm not the most oft inspired individual.

So I've been exclusively dating a woman for a few months now. To follow my normal pattern, let's call her Zooey. It's been strange, going through this process. I'd been mostly single for the past year and a half. And before that I was in a relationship for eleventy-billion years.

I've found that there's a "dance" that both people perform in the beginning. You try to show them who you really are... but mostly the good parts. You try to share everything about you... but mumble through the skeletons.

We do this because a relationship in its early stages is a precarious thing. One wrong word, One bad move, and it can all come apart.

This, of course, is the most obvious on a first date. Think about it. You're sitting there at dinner having a nice conversation, when all of a sudden she/he brings up a taboo topic. Politics, sex, religion, ex-partners... it doesn't matter which one... she/he's committed a cardinal sin. The night ends and you decide not to call them back.

Why?

Because you can only gain so much interest in someone in one date. That's really what it comes down to. Let's say that for every positive date you have with someone, your interest increases by one "unit". And for every bad experience in a date, your interest lowers by one "unit". This means that you can only raise one unit in a date (usually being counted at the end of the night) but you can certainly dig yourself deeper and deeper by messing up.

Then there's the weighting scale. Becoming exclusive with someone can be worth at least 10 or 20 units. Then milestones like "I love you", engagement, marriage... these can shoot you off the chart.

But the negative side is the same. Your bad habits that the other person doesn't like? Continual deductions. Cheat on them? You don't even want to know how bad that is.

Ok so my point is that I've been thinking a lot about how certain things can be a problem if they happen early on, whereas they wouldn't be an issue if they happened a year into the relationship. I'm not going to share the specific events I'm thinking about but here's a perfect example.

Let's say you go out on a first date with someone and they "break wind" in front of you. That's probably a deal-breaker. But if you've been dating for 6 months and spend over 50% of your time together? Then it's probably happened and it's not a big deal.

So why is that a big deal on day 1, but not a big deal on day 180? Maybe because the other person hasn't gotten to know you yet. Maybe they are still deciding if they want to be with you or not. I don't know. This probably requires more thought.

Feel free to discuss in the comments some things that have happened to you either early on or later on, which fall into this category...

Which one is more insulting?

So I was sitting at the bar this week having a conversation with a friend. We discussed our likes (boobs), dislikes (things without boobs), and hopes for the future (finding more boobs).

Then he told me about a friend of his. This friend's wife was leaving him, and the rumor was that she was going to "play for the other team."

My first response was that that is the ultimate insult. She is basically telling this guy that he was so bad that she just doesn't even want to try another man ever again. Keep in mind that I'm not married, but my friend is. So he said that if his wife were to leave him then he'd PREFER she swear off men. The thought of her sleeping with another man would just tear him apart.

Obviously, whether she leaves you for another man OR woman it's going to be bad. But if you had to pick between the lesser of 2 evils, which would you go with?

Basically, is it more insulting to lose your wife to another man, or another woman?

Discuss!

Dating Advice and Self Revelations

They say that there's an age range for dating. What I mean is that for whatever age you are, you should date members of the opposite sex in a certain range. When you're young, the range is easy. It's generally small, and is marked by major life changes. When you're in high school, you don't date someone in middle school. When you're in college, don't date high school kids. When you enter adulthood, stay away from those college kids. Why? Because you're not living "in the same world." (And if you ARE living in the same world then that's a whole different can of worms).

Now, as we get older, the range grows. I've dated women who were 5 years older than me, and 6 years younger (no, the same woman was not both 5 years older and 6 years younger). I don't really worry about an upper limit anymore, but it's probably in the low to mid 30's. But below me, I have 2 limits. The first is that they have to be a college graduate. I can't date someone who is going to sit there whining about their latest midterm and talk about basement keg parties (god I miss those). The 2nd limit is that they have to be older than my little sister (7 years behind me).

Since beginning this online dating adventure over the summer, I've met women all over that range. And I've learned that just because you are out of college, and have an adult job, doesn't mean that you are an adult (or mature).

Normally, I would launch into a story here... but I don't need to today. Let's just get right to the advice.

One of the biggest rules with dating.... ESPECIALLY online dating... is effective communication. At first, this pertains to responding to emails in a timely manner. But later on it pertains to letting people know how you feel about them. If you want to date someone exclusively then tell them. And if you don't want to date someone anymore, then tell them. You should be honest.

I've told women after a few emails that I just didn't think we would work. And I've told women that I can't see them anymore because I cared about someone else. I've even told women, after a few dates, that I just wasn't attracted to them.

I'd love to say that no one has had to say those things to me.. but of course they have. And it hurts when someone rejects you, for whatever reason. But then at least you have a sense of closure. If you go on a few dates (or even just exchange emails for a while) then drop off the map, then you just leave the other person wondering what happened. Did they say something wrong? Were they not interesting enough?

Just be an adult and rip off the band-aid. It hurts more up front, but heals better in the long run. On a side note, this is the reason that I'm still friends with a lot of my ex-girlfriends.

Now, through all of this, I've learned something about myself. I really hate rejection. I've found that it doesn't happen to me very often. Life generally works out. If I try to date someone then I get them. If I really want to get a job then I get it. I'm not saying that I'm that good... just generally lucky. So when someone actually rejects me, I spend a lot of time wondering why they would possibly do such a thing. Then I spend time figuring out how to get them back. And it may take days or weeks before I realize that this line of thought it stupid. I need to spend some time and figure out why this bothers me so much.

Anyway, that's today's advice. Rip off the band-aid.

Adventures in online dating #1

One of my friends has a blog which is devoted mainly to crazy dating stories (or at least that's her trend). And since I haven't blogged in a while I thought it might be a good topic for me to venture in to (since I never blog about love and relationships...)

As all my readers know, I haven't been in a serious relationship for over a year. First, I became single. And then I wrote about the post-relationship healing process. Along the way I dated some women and had a funny story or two. I've had summer flings, and winter flings. But somewhere along the way I decided that it was time to stop "playing the field". I was ready to find Ms. Right, instead of Ms Right Now.

Now, I've already written about this moment; the moment where I was ready to be in a relationship again. Of course, the issue is that there aren't lines of women waiting anxiously for me to make this declaration. I needed to go out and find them.

...And so I did.

In the past month, I've written MANY messages to women on a dating site. I get about a 30% response rate. And out of those 30%, maybe 10% are interesting enough to talk to for more than one or two messages. THEN, an even smaller percentage turn into a face-2-face meeting. Basically I'm saying that for every 20 or 30 messages I sent out, I would eventually meet 1 of those women.

So far I've met 3. One of them became "just a friend". Another was fun, but I don't know if we'll see each other again. The third woman seemed to show real promise.

And here's where the point of my blog post comes in.

I hate dating more than one person at a time. I feel like you don't give either person a real chance because you're dividing your efforts between them.

And that's a problem when I've been on dates with 2 women and may potentially meet more in the future. I can't just say to these women "I like you, but I went on a date with someone else and I want to see where that's going first. So hang around and if that strikes out then I'll call you again." Life doesn't work that way. Women don't just sit around waiting for us.

So I'm faced with all these issues. How attached can I become to any one woman? How long can I date someone before I decide they pass or fail? How do I know from just a few dates whether or not they can be a good partner for me? Are any of them reading this blog post right now and planning on dumping me?

If anyone has good dating advice then feel free to share...

Pandora's Box of Relationships

I had a friend who told me a story. It's one of those stories that ends with "well, what would YOU have done?" So I asked him to write it out as a guest blog (changing the names) so that I could pose the story, and inevitable questions, to my readers. So without further adieu, here's a guest post...

If I could give you the superhero power of omniscience would you take it? Up until this past weekend I'd have been a big fan of 'all knowledge' - but I'm not so sure anymore.

To set the stage, three old friends Pete, his wife Suzy and me are attempting to catch up on a year's drinking, catching up on lost time since they last saw each other at Pete and Suzy's wedding about a year ago. I was Pete’s best-man. There was wine, G&T and a good time being had by all. Names have, of course, been changed to protect the guilty. I suspect that no-one is innocent.

Suzy who weighs 100 pounds dripping wet is, to be frank, a candy-ass when it comes to drinking. Straight to the peak and over the other side she goes, and at 1:30 am she is passed out on the couch and we pick up the story when us guys decide on one more drink before they quit.

I can't say I'm sure how this happened but a bottle and half of bourbon later the two of us are pretty shitty drunk. As we got more and more blotto so the conversation became more graphic . Lets just say that every bachelor party story (not the r-rated version), as well as discourses on what precisely the guys would fancy doing to their mutual female acquaintances are discussed. No holds-barred, nothing held back. If a fly on the wall could have heard the story the two of them weaved; these vignettes of fact and fantasy and general naughtiness would have made it blush. (had it evolved blush genes).

Speaking of which - apparently Suzy woke up during the course of the conversation and lay there listening to the boys. I can't blame her, I probably would have too, but she is err 'treated' to a discussion of all of her friends and what the guys would like to do to them. In case you think there was anything noble about the conversation - there was none. Nothing held back. Complete disclosure (and I’m not proud) name, body part etc… Who said what is still unclear. It seems some brain cells might have got killed during the night.

Comes 5:00am Pete and I are torn. Suddenly Suzy sits up and goes to bed. We think this is probably a good idea and follow her example.

9:30 am - I stumble through to the lounge and see her sitting on the couch where she has been since 5:00 am, replaying the whole conversation in her mind. I'm still drunk and feeling a little like there is half-decomposed gerbil sleeping in my mouth.

"I heard you guys taking last night" she says through gritted teeth. Her knees are pulled up to her chest and she has a pillow on her lap. You get the idea. Instant sobriety.

"What did you hear", I ask. (fuck fuck fuck what did I say , what did Pete say, fuck again).

"Everything" (fuck some-more).

In a rare moment of clarity I say "you should have joined us then ... or gone to bed".

"I know" she says quietly - "but I wanted to hear what you guys talk about, and now I know".

"I think I've lost some respect for both of you". She has gained what few women get to know, how guys think when they let down their guard. You have to understand, that I very seldom have these conversations, and my man Pete and I have never discussed such things, except in passing. If you guys are inclined, as I was, to blame Suzy for listening in - imagine hearing your wife and her friend talking about screwing the daylights out of your mate. You have to admit it would hurt.

So I sit down with her and explain that every guy has the spice channel running through their heads from the age of about 14. That most of us can ignore the playboy channel playing in our heads when we choose to. That every guy is thinking about sex most of the time and the only guy friends she knows who have not at least contemplated doing the nasty with her are gay (and they are thinking about Pete that way). I also assure her that we would never talk about her that way, just in case she thought we did, and that no, the only other women we think about in bed is the Queen (her Royal milky thighs can buy you another 5 minutes - I'm just saying). [Note from Rob: The author of this guest blog is British... so he's referring to the Queen of England]

So she has all of this rattling around in her head now. Admittedly she doesn't have complete knowledge - only the words of 2 drunken friends getting their drink on. Most guys suspect that if all women could look in our head for 15 minutes the synchronous slap would alter the rotation of the earth. She knows, and now has to live with this. Hung-over Pete now knows that she knows (Suzy told him when he woke up). I know that she is disappointed in me too which upsets me more than I would have suspected. Everyone knows everything. Still want the superhero power ? Pete doesn’t know that I talked this through with Suzy. I wouldn’t want someone else in a private issue between my wife and I and can’t imagine Pete would either.

As a post script I call my wife after I got out of Dodge on with my proverbial tail between my legs. After giving her a précis of the events, my wife says “All guys are like this though. You’re all like an East-German railway, one track and dirty". For the record I really dig my wife but then she didn't hear the story did she? She says she would have gone to bed and left us alone, but if she heard what Suzy heard would she dig me back ?

The questions for this august body of Rob's friends are :

1. What would you have done if you were Suzy - would you have listened in ?

2. What would you have done with knowledge? You can't un-ring this bell. Now there is a wound in your memory and maybe an issue in your marriage?

3. I have lost some of the esteem of a friend. Would you do or say anything further if you were me?

4. How about Pete - how would you respond to your wife hearing you talk about nailing one of her closest friends?

All I can say is that the next time someone asks me if I want to know it all, I'll probably pass. Invisibility cloak is also out, so I’ll take the ability to fly.

More picky as Dating Pool Shrinks

Do you remember the first few people you dated back in high school? There's always at least one person that you shake your head at. You spent a few months with them before realizing that it just wasn't going to go anywhere. But maybe they had a cool car, or seemed dark and brooding. Because that's all it took back then. Just one little thing to make you want to waste months with that person.

Today is different. Now we have an image in our heads of the person we want to marry. And if someone doesn't fit that mold on the first date (or even before the first date) then we kick them to the curb.

Our standards are getting higher as we get older.

But doesn't that seem contrary to what should be happening? I mean, the dating pool is shrinking every day (assuming more people are getting married than divorced... and that the "good catches" are staying married). So shouldn't we be lowering our standards? Shouldn't we be getting ready to settle? Ya know, maybe our partner doesn't need to have a 150 I.Q. and a super model's body.

But here are 2 very valid reasons why this happens.

One, we're now more aware of our mortality. We realize that the next person we date may be the person we spend the rest of our lives with. Back in college, you just dated someone for fun. There were no worries of the future. Just young hormonal emotions. So you could say that we're being smarter than we were before.

Two, now that we've dated a slew of contenders, we at least know what kind of person we DON'T want to be with. We're tired of the deadbeats that never want to go out and have fun. We're tired of the person who argues all the time. We don't want the person who is married to their career.

Now here's the problem I'm seeing with #2. It's happening to people younger and younger. I've spent some time on CraigsList (I know - not exactly a proper sample size for the healthy dating pool) and I'm seeing women in their early 20's already being super picky. They have one bad relationship and now they think they know exactly what they want from life. And I'm a little worried that they won't find it. And then they'll settle. And then they'll get married. And then they'll realize their mistake and get divorced.

I don't really know where I'm going with all of this. Perhaps it's just a ramble. There's a little more to it from my personal experience but I'm not at liberty to share.

I'm just worried that we're becoming a disposable society. You decide that you want a certain kind of person and then you get it and get married. And then you decide that you want something else and so you get a divorce and start all over.

If divorce attorneys were a publicly traded stock then I'd be putting my life savings in it...

Mars and Venus Rosetta Stone

So I'm in this situation right now that I don't really want to talk about. It's about a girl. And it's probably in my best interest to just keep my mouth shut and process things for a few days.

...and yet here I am.

This blog is like my own personal therapist. Let's face it. Therapists just sit there and ask you questions, and get you to talk. And we, as a society, pay hundreds of dollars per hour for this. But in reality, I think that if everyone just tried a few things then we'd all need a little less time on the couch.

1. Exercise. When life gets you down, you get stressed. So go dust off those running shoes from 1985 and hit the streets. It always makes me feel better.

2. Call your friends. It's their job to let you complain. And then they cheer you up. Especially if you're depressed about a member of the opposite sex. Hanging out with friends reminds you that there is more to life than a relationship.

3. Alcohol. This one isn't for everyone. But I'm a mellow happy drunk. And so a 6-pack of beer works better than any crazy pill that a doctor could give me for my mood. Some people say that marijuana can serve the same purpose with fewer calories, but I have a little condition called Asthma so I really can't smoke anything (legal or otherwise).

Now here's why I really started to blog in the first place tonight. It wasn't to talk about what happened. It wasn't to talk about how I feel. No, I just wanted to pose a question. And I think that's a little funny when I sit back and look at how many people actually look at these posts...

...but I digress.

When someone tells you "I thought I wanted to be in a relationship - but I think I really just want to go out and have fun" do you think they ever mean it? I mean seriously. We all know that it means "I don't want a relationship with YOU." but I really wondered if anyone has ever said that and truly meant it.

I had a brief time when I meant it (sort of). After my relationship with J-Love ended, I couldn't imagine being attached to anyone. But I was clear about that from the start. So I never led anyone on. I never told a girl that I was ready to be with just one person, and then flip-flop on them. So I guess that doesn't count.

Well, my beer is empty. So I need to go get a new one. Feel free to share your thoughts, dear readers...

The big O (mission)

Yay more dating advice from rob; a man who can't hold on to a steady relationship!

I know you're all excited.

I'd like to talk about communication in relationships, and when to open up. Now, don't confuse this with the issue of when to tell the truth. I'm talking about when is the appropriate time to reveal things to the person you're dating.

For instance, last night I was watching Scrubs. The Janitor has been on a few dates with a girl and she didn't want to hold hands with him. He was convinced she was about to break up with him and it became a big issue. But by the end of the episode she revealed that she was a germ-a-phobe. So holding hands with someone just freaked her out too much. And she didn't reveal this before because she was afraid that she would have scared the Janitor off.

While that was a funny demonstration, it's a real issue that we all deal with. Everyone has idiosyncrasies, or Skeletons in our closet. So when we get into a relationship we wonder when it's appropriate to reveal these things about us. If you spill your guts too soon then they might get scared and run off. But if you wait too long then it becomes a big deal because you were hiding this thing from them for all that time.

So what do we do? Well, to be honest, I'm not sure. I'd love to say that when you find the right girl then you can just tell them everything.... but that's a load of crap.

However, I think I can tell you something NOT to do. Someone might give you the advice of casually bringing up the "topic" of your secret in conversation. That way you might see how they respond without actually tying it to you.

For example: Let's say that I was a Furry. And I wasn't sure how my girlfried would respond to that. So one day I say something like "A guy I work with likes to dress up as a dog on the weekends and hang out with other people dressed like animals." And then I hold my breath waiting for her response...which would probably be "wow, what a freak."

And you know why she would say that? Because she isn't dating that guy you work with! She's dating you, you idiot!

I guess this is the best advice I can give. Don't spill your guts on the first date. At least wait until you feel like there is enough of a connection that the casual dating could turn into something real. BUT, also make sure that you tell them your secrets before you become too emotionally involved because you want to avoid the whole "violation of trust" issue.

Of course, you could always just get really drunk with the girl right away and spill it all... people tend to take things better when they're drunk.

Can anyone add to my advice?

Thinking: It's not just for smart people anymore

Lately my blogs have switched from Relationship advice to Life advice. Instead of wondering whether or not I'm capable of love and successful relationships, I wonder what I want from my career and how to get it.

Of course, these things overlap. And thus I feel justified in my tangents.

So here is today's advice: Think before you act.

Yes, you've all heard that advice before. But I think that many people don't really grasp the concept. When you're in a position to act, think about what the desired result is. Then act in a manner that will help move towards your goal. Here's an example.

Do you remember the girl who got engaged, while I was "going on dates" with her? If not, then it's ok... but I curse you for not reading my blogs religiously! ... um... anyway... So I thought that I would never speak to her again. And I don't say that because I hated her... but we only had a connection through dating (no mutual friends or colleagues) so it was safe to assume I would never even randomly meet her again some place.

Well, over the weekend she sent me an email. I'm not going to reveal the topic of her email, because it's not really important (also because the situation that the email created is still happening and I don't like to talk about stuff while it's still going on). I happened to be sitting at my computer when she sent the email and I began typing a response immediately. And then I stopped. I didn't know what I wanted to happen, and so I wasn't sure what to say.

So I spent the next day thinking about what I wanted. Did I want to say something mean and try to hurt this girl? Did I want to open up communication again? Did I want to be nice but make it clear that we are still not talking?

Once I figured out what I wanted, then I was able to effectively respond to her email.

And perhaps my advice shouldn't be "think before you act". Perhaps it should be "always identify the end goal before you act".

It's really that simple. Try it some time.

Dating and the Spanish Inquisition

A few weeks ago I gained a new perspective on relationships. Oddly enough, it happened while watching the movie Four Christmases. I was going to let it go but then the same topic came up in conversation this week. So I wanted to share my insight with the world. But first, let's jump back in time a bit.

I have a friend. We'll call him Sam Seaborn (he was my favorite West Wing character). Over the years, Sam and I have had a lot of conversations about women and dating. One area that we had different opinions on was: How much should you know about your partner's past?

I've always been of the opinion that I am happy to hear whatever a girl wants to tell me about her ex-partners, but I won't pry. She can keep it a secret if she wants. In fact, I had always believed that the best relationships were successful BECAUSE each partner knew when it was appropriate to keep something a secret.

Sam, on the other hand, wanted to know everything about the girl that he was dating. He wanted to know who they were, what they did, why they broke up, yada yada yada. From what I know of his past, Sam had parents who did the same thing with him. They seemed to keep him on a tight leash. So I figured that that was the reason he did that with his girlfriends. To be honest, I thought it was a little unhealthy. And then I saw Four Christmases.

For those of you who read my blog but live under a rock, and don't see movie previews, I'll give a short description. Four Christmases tells the Story of a couple who both come from dysfunctional families and they avoid them at all cost. They have a great relationship and don't feel the need to mess it up with marriage or kids or anything. Each year, at Christmas, they take a tropical vacation instead of visiting family. But when their flights get cancelled, they are forced to visit all four families (their parents are all divorced) in one day.

Of course, lots of funny situations come up, and the couple's relationship is tested. But that isn't the point. There is a sub-plot about how all the other couples in the movie know everything about their partners. They have no secrets, and that allows them to be completely open and intimate. It makes their relationships better.

I could go on about that stuff for a while but you get the idea. So now it all got me thinking. Maybe it wasn't such a bad thing to have no secrets from your significant other. Maybe it actually adds to the relationship. Maybe Sam wasn't a weirdo after all.

The only problem I see with this is that you have to be careful not to judge the person for what they tell you. You need an open mind - or they might be afraid to open up. So perhaps I've just never met someone who made me feel comfortable enough to be completely open with. And perhaps Sam is still a little strange for prying into his girlfriend's past so early on in the relationship. But I think that maybe he has the right idea.

The next time I find myself in a relationship I'll give it a try.