Crossing Signals: A Mars and Venus Introspection

Animals don't speak the same language. Dogs bark. Cows moo. You get the idea. But the reason that they can co-exist is that they use a physical language. They use actions instead of words. They growl, cower, hide, lick, etc and find ways to get their points across.

People do this too.

You can identify a bully by his physical movements. You can identify a hardcore nerd the same way. But let's skip over that part. This blog is about my thoughts on love and relationships (I apologize if my advice over the years has gotten any of you in trouble... though it really serves you right for listening)

Let's go back to my college years for a story. I hope I haven't told this one before.

There was a girl that I liked. And instead of using the normal "be mean to her so she knows I like her" routine, I decided to try showing an interest and let the rest work itself out. So I ate lunch with her a few times, and talked to her at parties, ya know, normal stuff. And then came one fateful night that confused me for a long time.

On one particular Saturday night, she called me just before midnight (not late by college standards) to see if I wanted to watch a movie. Now, everyone knows that this is a "code". By asking to watch a movie so late at night on a weekend she was telling me that I was "in". And so she comes over and we watched Being John Malkovich.

Ok let me take a break here to talk about how I operate in these situations. You see, the last thing anyone wants is to lean in for a kiss and be denied. It sucks (um, not that it's ever happened to me). And so I use a method that I call "knocking on the door". It's really not a method... and it's not original... but I put forth a series of signals to see how she responds. I might slide closer to her on the couch or put my hand on her leg. That way, if she isn't interested then she can just slide away or remove my hand. On the other hand, if she IS interested then she would respond in kind by snuggling against me or putting her hand on top of mine. It seems simple right? Sure, this works fine 99% of the time. EXCEPT IF SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND YOUR SIGNALS. Now back to the story.

So I slide close to her on the couch. She doesn't respond... just sits there. Then the movie ends and we put on TV and start talking (it's around 2AM). Since I didn't get a response to my first signal I decide to move on to #2 and I put my hand on her leg. nothin. She just sits there and keeps talking to me. She's not showing that any of the things I'm doing are bad... she just isn't giving any signals back.

Well, to make a long story short, this goes on until 7AM... me giving signals and her accepting them but not responding. We're tired and I decide to drive her home.

After that night we hang out once or twice more but then all of a sudden she starts ignoring me and hangs out with some other guy. That's not really relevant to the story, though.

Every now and then we would talk after that (usually on AIM) and once or twice I asked if she really just wanted to come over and watch a movie that night... that she didn't have any alterior motives. Of course, she acted innocently and said that the movie was all she was after.

But wait, there's more. Two or three years later we were talking - and I flipped out at her for something and I guess my old frustrations from that night (I tend to not let things go very quickly) began to resurface. While arguing, she admitted that she really wanted me to kiss her that night and she didn't understand why I didn't do it. This, of course, made me freak out and rant for hours about how daft she was.

Alright let's move back to the present and explain why that story needed to be told.

Recently, I was on a few dates with a girl. Actually, the story about how we met is pretty funny but I don't want to get off topic. So I get into the same situation as what happened in college. I think that she likes me, and she accepts my advances... but never gives any signals back.

We went through 2 dates like this. I was beginning to think that maybe she was just looking for a friend to hang out with.

Well, I was determined to not let this one end the same way as in college - so on the third date I just decided to kiss her at a random point in the night. And ya know what? it worked.

What I had to realize was that not everyone uses (or interprets) the same signals. I guess that's part of building a relationship with someone... learning what those signals are.

So my advice is this: If you're with someone and you feel like your signals are getting crossed then take a step back and try to see if she might be using a different set of signals than what you're used to. It may just save the date.

...but don't take my word for it.