Advice for a First Date

Last week I asked Maggie Q (formerly known as Lucy Liu) to write a guest blog for my page. She decided to write about our first date, and that's all I know. I haven't read it yet because she asked me to write about the same topic and then post both stories for you kind readers. This is tough for me for two reasons. One, these days I only blog when I feel an inspiration. I feel that there's enough crap out there so I shouldn't add to it. Two, I try to write advice columns more than stories (because seriously, who wants to read my boring stories?).

Well, in the end I've decided to talk about how I prepared for our first date. I'll break down some advice and mix in the story of our first date. So let's get started.

There are 4 main aspects to a first date:
1. The initial meeting.
2. The main activity of the date.
3. More activities if things are going well.
4. How to end the date.


The Initial Meeting:
If you've met someone before, then this is easy. One of you can pick the other up, and head out to the main activity. However, if it's a blind date OR someone you met online (which is where I fit in) then you really have to pick a neutral meeting place. I once offered to pick a girl up for a first date and she freaked out - and alluded to the possibility that I was an axe murderer. So the best idea is to pick a main activity in the area that you both live, and just meet there. This is also good because if the date falls apart then you both have a means of escape.

Maggie and I hit it off so we weren't too worried about this. We met in front of a drug store (by her house) and I drove us to the date. I guess that is kind of weird. She just hopped in the car with a stranger. I should probably ask her about that.

The Main Activity:
There are two directions you can go with a main activity. You can take the safe approach and head to a bar/restaurant, or head out to do something out of the ordinary. I've had luck with both. It just depends on how comfortable you are with sitting face to face and carrying on a conversation. Going out and doing something different can leave a great impression on the girl and improve your chances of getting a second date. However, there's also a chance that you'll pick something that turns out to be really lame. The time of year also factors in to this decision. It's hard to find outdoor activities in the middle of winter.

When Maggie and I talked on the phone for the first time, I threw out a few questions to get ideas for our first date. She mentioned that she had never been to a corn maze but really wanted to go. Luckily there was one right in Delaware (and this happened to by the week before Halloween so our timing was perfect). The place had a corn maze, pumpkin picking, hay rides, etc. so I trusted that that could keep us occupied for a while. It was cool because we could walk around while we talked. We never had to have those awkward moments where you just look at each other with nothing to say.

Post-Activity activities:
If your date is going well then you may not want it to end, so you better have some more activities lined up. There's less pressure at this point so don't over-think it. You're already getting along well so you could just have a few bars or movies in mind. Still keep it neutral. Don't try to get her back to your place. Play it cool.

We hit the the corn maze in the afternoon, so when we left I asked her if she wanted to get dinner. Then, when dinner was a success we decided to follow that up with a movie. When all was said and done, our first date lasted about 8 hours.

The End of the Date:
Ok, you made it through at least one activity without the girl running away in an offended rage. Whether you're taking her back home, or just bidding adieu at the neutral meeting place, there's always the same question; how do you say goodbye? Kiss? Hug? Handshake? Fist Pound? Books and movies will give you a thousand clues to look for but it really comes down to one thing. Is she lingering there in front of you, or trying to get away? If you're standing 2 feet apart making awkward small talk while she stares into your eyes then you have the green light for a kiss. If you're not sure then go for the hug. There's not much worse than going in for a kiss when she's closed for business. I will sometimes give commentary on the moment, to lighten the mood. "So here we stand at that crucial moment. Should we go in for the awkward hug?" Of course that can backfire and ruin your chances at a kiss. This one is really up to you. Use your judgement.

I seem to recall the end of my night being a little awkward. We made small talk for a few minutes (because there was a car parked next to where we were standing and they were staring at us). In the end, she leaned in for the kiss before I had a chance to make my move. I like a woman who doesn't just stand there waiting for the guy.

Reflections:
As first dates go, this one ranks pretty high. She laughed at my jokes, we didn't really have awkward pauses, and we're still dating today. None of that is a surprise, of course. This is the girl who had originally emailed me (on the dating website) and basically asked about my thoughts on "zombie porn movies". I knew we'd hit it off :-)

So now I am going to finally read her blog that she sent me. I'll post that one up tomorrow or later in the week.

Emailing while angry

I'd like to share some advice that I learned the hard way. It's going to seem really simple, and yet very few people actually adhere to it.

In the past month I almost did something very rash. I won't get in to specifics, because that's not the point. I was talking about my situation to a friend and at the end of it all she cautioned me to refrain from doing anything stupid (Come on. Me? Do something stupid?? phaw...). So I told her that I have made it a point to never make any big decisions when I'm feeling emotional about something. I try to sit and wait until I can think objectively. And I do this because one time I didn't follow this advice. I like to call it, Rob's Dumbest Action Ever.

I apologize if I've told this story before. I looked through and couldn't find it.

This story, like so many that have come before it, begins with a girl. And not just any girl. She was THE girl. The one you chase forever, and never catch. The one you secretly know is too good for you. The one that could burn you a million times and yet you'd come back for more. Yeah, she was that girl. We'll call her, Rose.

In high school, we were distant friends. In college, I started pursuing her even though she attended a different school. I nearly caught her once or twice. Every time I would declare my hunt to be at a hopeless end, she would throw out a hook and grab me again. Did she do it because she liked the attention? Or did she actually have feelings for me? Maybe she liked the game.

Well, this continued after college. I believe I was even bold enough to declare my love a few times (gee, what girl doesn't want to hear that from a random friend?) but she would always shut me down. She had a boyfriend. She lived too far away. The time just wasn't right.

So one day I decided to give it one last try. One of my clients was having a fancy Christmas party, so I called Rose up and told her that I needed a trophy date. She said yes. Maybe this time I would finally win the game. And I asked her over a month in advance so she couldn't claim to have something else going on that night.

Here's a summary of what happened in the next month:

5 weeks until party:
Rose says that she has to do some traveling for work but should be back long before the party. She's excited to show me the great dress she has for the occasion.

4 weeks until the party:
Her business trip may take longer than expected. She should have details in a few days. But she's still optimistic.

3 weeks until the party:
She doesn't answer when I call. No word from her in a bit. I'm starting to get worried.

2 weeks until the party:
She's now traveling and isn't sure if she'll get back in time, but she promises to let me know at least a week before the party so I have time to find someone else.

1 week until the party:
No word from her yet.

3 days until the party:
She leaves me a voicemail that says "I wanted to talk to you about the party. Call me back" but doesn't say anything about her availability.

At this point, I flip out. I'm pretty sure she was calling to flake out on me again. All of my frustrations, from chasing her for 5 years, come washing over me at once. I am a seething ball of hatred.

I'm just to angry to call her and yell at her so I write an email. And this isn't an ordinary email. I'm determined to make Rose feel as bad as I feel right now. I just unload. I create an artistic masterpiece of abuse. I feel like someone reached in to my chest and ripped out my heart... and my message to her tries to do the same thing.

Then I hit send.

Well, jumping ahead a little, I go to the party alone and everything works out fine in the end.

But about a month later something occurs to me. I never actually found out what she wanted to talk to me about. I don't actually know if she was going to tell me that she wouldn't make it back in time. I never bothered to call and find out.

...and to this day she won't tell me. We aren't really friends anymore. We never will be friends again, I imagine.

I should feel bad about sending that email, and I do... but at the same time I figure that even if she had been able to come to my party then she would have let me down on another day. So that email would have been sent eventually. I consider it good fortune that I was able to break the spell she had on me early enough to move on.

Of course, I learned two very important lessons from this experience.

1. Never act when you're still in the situation. Either try to think objectively, or remove yourself until you can.

2. Be wary of what you type in an email. You can't take those words back. They will exist "on paper" possibly forever.

So please take my advice.

Mars and Venus Rosetta Stone

So I'm in this situation right now that I don't really want to talk about. It's about a girl. And it's probably in my best interest to just keep my mouth shut and process things for a few days.

...and yet here I am.

This blog is like my own personal therapist. Let's face it. Therapists just sit there and ask you questions, and get you to talk. And we, as a society, pay hundreds of dollars per hour for this. But in reality, I think that if everyone just tried a few things then we'd all need a little less time on the couch.

1. Exercise. When life gets you down, you get stressed. So go dust off those running shoes from 1985 and hit the streets. It always makes me feel better.

2. Call your friends. It's their job to let you complain. And then they cheer you up. Especially if you're depressed about a member of the opposite sex. Hanging out with friends reminds you that there is more to life than a relationship.

3. Alcohol. This one isn't for everyone. But I'm a mellow happy drunk. And so a 6-pack of beer works better than any crazy pill that a doctor could give me for my mood. Some people say that marijuana can serve the same purpose with fewer calories, but I have a little condition called Asthma so I really can't smoke anything (legal or otherwise).

Now here's why I really started to blog in the first place tonight. It wasn't to talk about what happened. It wasn't to talk about how I feel. No, I just wanted to pose a question. And I think that's a little funny when I sit back and look at how many people actually look at these posts...

...but I digress.

When someone tells you "I thought I wanted to be in a relationship - but I think I really just want to go out and have fun" do you think they ever mean it? I mean seriously. We all know that it means "I don't want a relationship with YOU." but I really wondered if anyone has ever said that and truly meant it.

I had a brief time when I meant it (sort of). After my relationship with J-Love ended, I couldn't imagine being attached to anyone. But I was clear about that from the start. So I never led anyone on. I never told a girl that I was ready to be with just one person, and then flip-flop on them. So I guess that doesn't count.

Well, my beer is empty. So I need to go get a new one. Feel free to share your thoughts, dear readers...

Crossing Signals: A Mars and Venus Introspection

Animals don't speak the same language. Dogs bark. Cows moo. You get the idea. But the reason that they can co-exist is that they use a physical language. They use actions instead of words. They growl, cower, hide, lick, etc and find ways to get their points across.

People do this too.

You can identify a bully by his physical movements. You can identify a hardcore nerd the same way. But let's skip over that part. This blog is about my thoughts on love and relationships (I apologize if my advice over the years has gotten any of you in trouble... though it really serves you right for listening)

Let's go back to my college years for a story. I hope I haven't told this one before.

There was a girl that I liked. And instead of using the normal "be mean to her so she knows I like her" routine, I decided to try showing an interest and let the rest work itself out. So I ate lunch with her a few times, and talked to her at parties, ya know, normal stuff. And then came one fateful night that confused me for a long time.

On one particular Saturday night, she called me just before midnight (not late by college standards) to see if I wanted to watch a movie. Now, everyone knows that this is a "code". By asking to watch a movie so late at night on a weekend she was telling me that I was "in". And so she comes over and we watched Being John Malkovich.

Ok let me take a break here to talk about how I operate in these situations. You see, the last thing anyone wants is to lean in for a kiss and be denied. It sucks (um, not that it's ever happened to me). And so I use a method that I call "knocking on the door". It's really not a method... and it's not original... but I put forth a series of signals to see how she responds. I might slide closer to her on the couch or put my hand on her leg. That way, if she isn't interested then she can just slide away or remove my hand. On the other hand, if she IS interested then she would respond in kind by snuggling against me or putting her hand on top of mine. It seems simple right? Sure, this works fine 99% of the time. EXCEPT IF SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND YOUR SIGNALS. Now back to the story.

So I slide close to her on the couch. She doesn't respond... just sits there. Then the movie ends and we put on TV and start talking (it's around 2AM). Since I didn't get a response to my first signal I decide to move on to #2 and I put my hand on her leg. nothin. She just sits there and keeps talking to me. She's not showing that any of the things I'm doing are bad... she just isn't giving any signals back.

Well, to make a long story short, this goes on until 7AM... me giving signals and her accepting them but not responding. We're tired and I decide to drive her home.

After that night we hang out once or twice more but then all of a sudden she starts ignoring me and hangs out with some other guy. That's not really relevant to the story, though.

Every now and then we would talk after that (usually on AIM) and once or twice I asked if she really just wanted to come over and watch a movie that night... that she didn't have any alterior motives. Of course, she acted innocently and said that the movie was all she was after.

But wait, there's more. Two or three years later we were talking - and I flipped out at her for something and I guess my old frustrations from that night (I tend to not let things go very quickly) began to resurface. While arguing, she admitted that she really wanted me to kiss her that night and she didn't understand why I didn't do it. This, of course, made me freak out and rant for hours about how daft she was.

Alright let's move back to the present and explain why that story needed to be told.

Recently, I was on a few dates with a girl. Actually, the story about how we met is pretty funny but I don't want to get off topic. So I get into the same situation as what happened in college. I think that she likes me, and she accepts my advances... but never gives any signals back.

We went through 2 dates like this. I was beginning to think that maybe she was just looking for a friend to hang out with.

Well, I was determined to not let this one end the same way as in college - so on the third date I just decided to kiss her at a random point in the night. And ya know what? it worked.

What I had to realize was that not everyone uses (or interprets) the same signals. I guess that's part of building a relationship with someone... learning what those signals are.

So my advice is this: If you're with someone and you feel like your signals are getting crossed then take a step back and try to see if she might be using a different set of signals than what you're used to. It may just save the date.

...but don't take my word for it.

You can't win if you don't play

In my long 27 (almost 28) years on this planet, I've noticed a trend. And I think I need to educate some of you readers on this great issue. Please take this advice to heart - you'll thank me later.

If you're constantly meeting people of the opposite sex who turn out to be crappy candidates for a relationship then YOU'RE DOING SOMETHING WRONG.

I will amend that with one more statement, though.

If you're out there trying to meet new people and it isn't working for you, AND you're not doing anything wrong, then YOUR STANDARDS ARE TOO HIGH.

But we'll get back to that one. Let's focus on the first statement for now.

This past weekend I was hanging out with a bunch of friends from my college Ultimate Frisbee team. When we get together, we act like we're in college again. Lots of binge drinking, and general jack-ass-ery. This includes the men AND women.

But there was something different this time. Something that I couldn't quite put my finger on at first. And then it hit me.

They were married.

A lot of the people at that party were already hitched. And their spouses were at the party too. But here's the kicker... their spouses fit right in with us.

In a past relationship that I won't name, I kept my girlfriend far far away from any ultimate frisbee gatherings because I knew she would just wind up offended and bored. She didn't fit in with these people, and therefore she didn't fit in with a part of me.

This made me start to think about what kind of woman I wanted to find... and where that kind of woman would hang out. Sure, it seems obvious but I never really considered it before.

If I wanted to find a woman who could let her hair down and pretend she's a college kid for a night then I'd probably find one at a crazy party or a club or vegas. AND, one of the first things that I would find out about that girl is what she was like in college. If she didn't party back then, then she probably won't party now.

So that's my first bit of advice. If you have had a run of bad luck picking dates then take a moment to decide what kind of person you want to find and then figure out where those people hang out.

Now let's move on to the second bit.

I don't consider myself to be an amazingly handsome guy. I have no complaints with the way I look, mind you... but I don't rank myself up there with Ryan Reynolds (he's so dreamy). Therefore, I don't try to go nab super models or spoiled rich brats. It's not necessarily that they are out of my league... but they probably don't mesh with my behaviors and lifestyle.

So that's my second point. If you have found the kind of people you want to date, AND you know where they hang out, BUT it hasn't been working so far, THEN you either need to change yourself OR change your standards.

If I wanted to get a girl who goes to the club and parties and dances then I can't go to the club and sit around waiting to talk to one of them... I would need to learn to dance. I would have to change my tactics to make myself more attractive to those people.

In short, my advice is to stop whining and go meet someone... but take some time to plan it out and do it right.

Thus endeth the advice from a man who has problems emotionally committing to women right now.

Some call me the Ganster of Love

WARNING: I may have posted about this before. I'll check later on.

Sometimes it's hard to find the right opening for a blog. Something catchy. Something flashy. Something that increases the chances of Joe Shmoe staying to read the rest. In high school, I ran for Student Council Vice President. Ya wanna know why? It was because you got to give a speech over the PA system during homeroom. Every person in the school would hear you. The very first line of my speech was, "Let's talk about sex." which is a risque way to start a speech when you're 16. I lost the election, but I sure had fun doing it. And thinking about that story gives me an idea of how this post should begin (I know, too late)...

I'm single again.

Yes, that's right. We are no longer Rob and J-Love. It's just Rob. But don't worry, this post isn't about that. But that detail will be important later on. And no, I'm not going to go into the sordid details of our break-up. Let me just say that it was amicable, and we hope to be friends again once the wounds heal.

Now tuck that away for a few minutes and let's move on.

I know a girl. I've never spoken to her. Never heard her voice. Never seen her in person. I know this girl through the web. We both loiter in some of the same virtual places, so it was bound to happen eventually. We haven't spoken much, but we've traded blog links and therefore share our thoughts quite often.

Now here is where that previous detail comes in to play. When I changed my Facebook status to "single" she sent me a message asking how I was doing. I believe she had recently gone through a break-up as well so we talked about that for a while.

Now we're getting closer to the point at hand. Just recently, this girl sent me an IM and offered me a ticket to a sporting event that she and a few friends were going to. I had something else on my agenda for that particular time so I had to turn her down.

I need to ask a question here: When you read that last paragraph, what did you read in to the situation? Did you think that she was asking me out?

I'm writing the blog because that was the first thing that I thought as well. And then I was a little mad at myself for having thought that right away. She had never given an indication that she wanted anything more than a friend to talk to... and yet I assumed that because I was a guy and she was a girl, that she must obviously be trying to date me.

And it's not that I'd have a problem dating her. That's not what this is about. It's the fact that I think most people make this assumption when someone of the opposite sex acts in an out-going manner towards them.

A few months ago I was at the gym when the lady on the Elliptical machine next to me just started talking. She asked me a question about the gym, but then just kept talking. So when I got home from the gym, the first thing I said to J-Love was "This lady at the gym was hitting on my today." But all she was talking about was the gym and her job. She never gave any indication of trying to ask me out or flirt with me. Maybe she just wanted a new friend. Maybe she liked meeting people.

This is something I think about a lot. It's difficult to be friends with the opposite sex. Or at least difficult to "become" friends.

I wish I could just talk to a woman in a coffee shop for no particular reason. Not hit on her. Not ask for her number. Just chat. and then leave. Maybe this should be a new goal for me. To try talking to a new random person each week. But to not be annoying... like a certain tiny shawnee grad I know...

Ok, just to jump back, I don't know if that girl was trying to ask me out or not when she offered the sports tickets. I suppose that if she was then she might try again. Of course, she also reads this blog so she now knows what I'm thinking. So I've corrupted the experiment. Oh well, maybe she'll just tell me.