Emailing while angry

I'd like to share some advice that I learned the hard way. It's going to seem really simple, and yet very few people actually adhere to it.

In the past month I almost did something very rash. I won't get in to specifics, because that's not the point. I was talking about my situation to a friend and at the end of it all she cautioned me to refrain from doing anything stupid (Come on. Me? Do something stupid?? phaw...). So I told her that I have made it a point to never make any big decisions when I'm feeling emotional about something. I try to sit and wait until I can think objectively. And I do this because one time I didn't follow this advice. I like to call it, Rob's Dumbest Action Ever.

I apologize if I've told this story before. I looked through and couldn't find it.

This story, like so many that have come before it, begins with a girl. And not just any girl. She was THE girl. The one you chase forever, and never catch. The one you secretly know is too good for you. The one that could burn you a million times and yet you'd come back for more. Yeah, she was that girl. We'll call her, Rose.

In high school, we were distant friends. In college, I started pursuing her even though she attended a different school. I nearly caught her once or twice. Every time I would declare my hunt to be at a hopeless end, she would throw out a hook and grab me again. Did she do it because she liked the attention? Or did she actually have feelings for me? Maybe she liked the game.

Well, this continued after college. I believe I was even bold enough to declare my love a few times (gee, what girl doesn't want to hear that from a random friend?) but she would always shut me down. She had a boyfriend. She lived too far away. The time just wasn't right.

So one day I decided to give it one last try. One of my clients was having a fancy Christmas party, so I called Rose up and told her that I needed a trophy date. She said yes. Maybe this time I would finally win the game. And I asked her over a month in advance so she couldn't claim to have something else going on that night.

Here's a summary of what happened in the next month:

5 weeks until party:
Rose says that she has to do some traveling for work but should be back long before the party. She's excited to show me the great dress she has for the occasion.

4 weeks until the party:
Her business trip may take longer than expected. She should have details in a few days. But she's still optimistic.

3 weeks until the party:
She doesn't answer when I call. No word from her in a bit. I'm starting to get worried.

2 weeks until the party:
She's now traveling and isn't sure if she'll get back in time, but she promises to let me know at least a week before the party so I have time to find someone else.

1 week until the party:
No word from her yet.

3 days until the party:
She leaves me a voicemail that says "I wanted to talk to you about the party. Call me back" but doesn't say anything about her availability.

At this point, I flip out. I'm pretty sure she was calling to flake out on me again. All of my frustrations, from chasing her for 5 years, come washing over me at once. I am a seething ball of hatred.

I'm just to angry to call her and yell at her so I write an email. And this isn't an ordinary email. I'm determined to make Rose feel as bad as I feel right now. I just unload. I create an artistic masterpiece of abuse. I feel like someone reached in to my chest and ripped out my heart... and my message to her tries to do the same thing.

Then I hit send.

Well, jumping ahead a little, I go to the party alone and everything works out fine in the end.

But about a month later something occurs to me. I never actually found out what she wanted to talk to me about. I don't actually know if she was going to tell me that she wouldn't make it back in time. I never bothered to call and find out.

...and to this day she won't tell me. We aren't really friends anymore. We never will be friends again, I imagine.

I should feel bad about sending that email, and I do... but at the same time I figure that even if she had been able to come to my party then she would have let me down on another day. So that email would have been sent eventually. I consider it good fortune that I was able to break the spell she had on me early enough to move on.

Of course, I learned two very important lessons from this experience.

1. Never act when you're still in the situation. Either try to think objectively, or remove yourself until you can.

2. Be wary of what you type in an email. You can't take those words back. They will exist "on paper" possibly forever.

So please take my advice.