Warming Up the cupcake conversation

Relationships can be tough. There's a lot to learn, and not a lot of time to do it in. One wrong move and everything crumbles like...well.. like something that's really crumbly.

This is where I come in. Every time my deck of cards falls apart, I stop and think about what went wrong and how I can do it better in the future. Or, in some cases, I learn that some types of women should be avoided at all costs. And if my nugget of wisdom proves to have value then I try to pass it along to my faithful readers (hi trian) so they can avoid my pitfalls.

oh... cookies are crumbly... that would have been a good analogy up at the top there. oh well, maybe next time.

Where was I? Oh right, today's advice. As with all of my advice, I ask you to keep one thing in mind. I have no credibility whatsoever.

If you recall, I had written a post about the "cupcake" conversation (you can read it HERE). It was a way for you to tell your partner that you had something important to talk about without them thinking you were about to break up with them. Well, today it related to that.

If you're like me, then you have a hard time starting these important conversations. It's a delicate thing. You can't just jump in with the main point. You have to ease your way in. Remember, you have been thinking about this topic all day while your partner may be thinking about pizza.

Side note: Pizza is really awesome. Seriously. Probably my favorite food.

So to make sure that everyone is in the correct frame of mind, try warming them up with an opening bit. No, I don't mean like a comedy bit. I mean, think of your topic in the broad sense and talk about it generally before getting down in to specifics. Let's try to come up with an example.

Ok I don't know how well this will work but I'll give it a try.

Let's say that you really love Star Trek. You watch it all the time. You have the "action figures". You even dress up and go to the conventions. But your partner doesn't know this about you. All they know is that you like the show, and you've gotten them to watch it with you a few times.

Now, from past experience, you know that if they aren't cool with you doing all this Trekkie stuff then the relationship just won't last. And you really like them so you want it to last. And you decide that it's time to lay it all out to them and see how they respond.

Here are two ways that you could handle this:

1. Ask your partner to come over. Then answer the door in full Klingon regalia and brandish a bat'le (I think that's the right word... I haven't been a star trek enthusiast for about 15 years). How is that going to end? Possibly with them in therapy... Definitely with you being single.

2. You sit them down and start with an opening conversation about managing expectations. You warm them up with a topic that will get them in the right mindset You say something like this:

"I have a friend who recently moved in with his girlfriend. He had this cool room with all his movie posters and musical instruments and computers and stuff. It was a real man cave filled with the things that he was passionate about. But the moment his girlfriend moved in, she re-claimed the room for herself. She told him that he needed to grow up and forget this old stuff. And a few months later they broke up. They she just never accepted him for who he was and wanted to change him. If she had joined him in some of those interests then maybe they'd be happy today. But it could also be that he didn't properly tell her that he loved those things, so she didn't realize how important they were to him. They didn't manage each others expectations well. So I'd like to talk to you about something in hopes that we wouldn't wind up in that situation..."

Here is where you tell them how much you love Star Trek. Then you follow that up with explaining that you've found, from past relationships, that if your partner doesn't share your interest at all (hates the show, won't go to conventions, dress as an Orion Slave Girl in bed [pulled that one out just for Weng], etc) then the relationship probably won't survive.

You may still crash and burn with this attempt, but it has a much higher chance of working. You set the stage giving an example of someone else who has this kind of problem, and then ease your way in to explaining how important Star Trek is to you. Make sure to also explain that you hope they will go along with this because you really like them... but if they can't do it then you'd rather find out now before it's too late (been married for 10 years and have 3 kids).

So I guess that's really 2 pieces of advice. One, you need to manage expectations and effectively communicate things that are important to you. Two, you need to do it in such a way that it won't blow up in your face.

As always, if you have any questions that need answered, feel free to email me and I'll respond the best I can.

You have just read another edition of Ask The Experts

Advice for a First Date: A Woman's Perspective

NOTE:
The following is a guest blog written by Maggie Q. Yesterday I posted my version of this story so if you haven't read it yet then go HERE. Otherwise read on. I haven't changed anything except for replacing my actual name with my online name (Trip Thomas). I realize that my blog isn't exactly anonymous but I'd like to keep random googlers from finding it when they search for me.

A guest blog on dating & relationships, from Trip's much better half.

The boy suggested I write a guest blog on relationships.

So much to say on such a broad topic.

Does he want me to blog about relationships in general, or about our relationship in particular? Or about me? Well, maybe I'll talk about our first date so that the boys that read this can get some insight via a girl's point of view.

Let's see. So we met on the internet. Some people are embarrassed to admit this, and I'm really not, as it's pretty common these days and You've Got Mail with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan came out over a decade ago. I think. So while I'm not embarrassed about this, I admit that it's a pretty boring "how we met" story. Sometimes I like to say "We met at church. It was an abstinence workshop." Because knowing both of us, that would be an awesome "how we met" story.

(Some people don't get my humor because they can't tell if I'm joking or not. I totally abuse this.)

The truth is, we met in person for the first time in front of a Happy Harry's Drugstore. He was on his iphone, Facebooking, probably something about how he was about to go on a first date with this incredibly awesome girl he met on the internet and really hoped that she wasn't really fat.

Because some people post old pictures of themselves on their dating profiles from way before they got fat.

I was actually going to contact Trip a couple months before I actually did because I liked his dating profile. Until I saw that one of his photos was of him and an ex-girlfriend. Who does that?!

Anyway, we met in front of Happy Harry's. He had bought some gum at Happy Harry's because he was hoping that the date would go well, and then we would get to make out at the end. He never told me this, I just knew. All girls know this: whenever a guy offers you gum or a mint towards the end of a date, it means he wants to kiss you. Though I didn't know at the beginning of the date that that was what he bought at Happy Harry's.

I liked him right away. Turns out that some of the photos that HE posted on his profile were pretty old but luckily he hadn't gotten fat since they were taken. Because you know what? I don't go for fat guys either. I am sure somewhere in this blog he has rambled about how he doesn't date fatties. Or ugly chicks.

I already knew I would like him because he was the only guy I met online who made me laugh out loud over an email. It's amazing how many people out there can't write for shit and I'm a grammar snob, so it was refreshing to meet someone else who could not only write well but make me laugh really hard before we even met in person.

It was about a concept for a zombie "adult movie." I guess that was my pick-up line in response to something he said in his profile, and it got his attention. So I liked his personality and was really hoping that he wasn't a troll in person. I mean, I signed up for this dating website about a year ago now and had met 10 other guys in person before Trip. So I've had my share of guys who seemed cool over email and looked nothing like their profile picture. Like they've turned out fatter or have a full beard. Or are shorter than advertised.

Because I'm a total height snob too. But I put that in my dating profile. I've learned that guys who are under 6 feet tall tend to add about 2 inches to their actual height, whereas guys who are 6'1" or taller are usually truthful because they don't need to lie. I'm almost 5'9" but I put that I am 5'8". So when a guy who is 5'10" says that he is 6' it is SO obvious when we meet in person.

So this Trip guy was actually tall like he said he was. As I was saying, I already knew I really liked his personality and thought he was funny over email but was hoping he wasn't a troll. He wasn't a troll at all. I thought he was really cute but over the course of this first date, he tells me a few terrible jokes. But he was super cute so I laughed. There were some that were actually funny, but I still laughed at the ones that weren't so funny because he was cute.

It's kind of like when a guy is hitting on you at a bar. If he's hot, it really doesn't matter what the pickup line is. But if he's a troll, it also really doesn't matter what the pickup line is.

Then again, I have to admit that I like bad jokes. And bad movies too, like Snakes on a Plane. (That was hilarious! Yet so terrible!) So clearly we were meant for each other.

I think our first date lasted over 9 hours because we started at 3 in the afternoon at a pumpkin patch and corn maze, and kept wanting to do more stuff. So we also had dinner and then went to get some post-dinner/pre-movie drinks, then went to a movie.

By the end of the date, I could tell he liked me because of three things:
1. halfway through the date he had already asked me out to a second AND a third date. (Who does that?!) The second date involved meeting all his friends. I'm thinking he must really like me if he already wants me to meet his friends. Either that or he's some man-whore who always asks girls to meet his friends on the second date.
2. when we were trying to figure out what to do after dinner, he said "it's too bad we haven't been dating longer because..." This was with regards to carving the pumpkins; if we'd been dating longer, he would've invited me over to his place to carve the pumpkins. So I figured he *wasn't* a man-whore because if he was, he would've invited me over to his place on the first date. Right?
3. the gum thing. He offered me gum because he totally wanted to make out with me.

Of course by the end of the date there's that "do we kiss or not" moment. I like when it's the guy who makes the move because you aren't always sure if they like you or not. So the confusing part is that OBVIOUSLY this guy likes me, but he's not making the move. Later I find out it's because he's got the fear of going in for the kiss and having the girl kind of duck away, like when Jason Segal goes for Mila Kunis in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

Jesus, Trip. Man up!

Anyway, this first date story is from my point of view, right? So maybe even though it was obvious to me that he liked me, it wasn't obvious to him that I liked him. And I wanted to kiss him, dammit. I mean, this might just be me, but if there's no first date kiss then there is clearly not enough chemistry to warrant having a second date. Sure, go have a second date, but don't be surprised if he turns out to be a prude who apologizes when you brush hands. Screw that. Did I go onto this dating website to find my gay best friend? No.

So I kissed him because he wouldn't stop rambling about something, since he was being too much of a girl to make the first move. I'm not sure why he would think I didn't like him enough to want to kiss him, I mean there were plenty of bailout options throughout the date if I didn't like him.

A girl does not go out with a guy for 9 hours if she doesn't want to kiss him at the end of the date!!

Well that was about two months ago. I think it's only fair that we get Trip's side of the story now.

The end.

Emailing while angry

I'd like to share some advice that I learned the hard way. It's going to seem really simple, and yet very few people actually adhere to it.

In the past month I almost did something very rash. I won't get in to specifics, because that's not the point. I was talking about my situation to a friend and at the end of it all she cautioned me to refrain from doing anything stupid (Come on. Me? Do something stupid?? phaw...). So I told her that I have made it a point to never make any big decisions when I'm feeling emotional about something. I try to sit and wait until I can think objectively. And I do this because one time I didn't follow this advice. I like to call it, Rob's Dumbest Action Ever.

I apologize if I've told this story before. I looked through and couldn't find it.

This story, like so many that have come before it, begins with a girl. And not just any girl. She was THE girl. The one you chase forever, and never catch. The one you secretly know is too good for you. The one that could burn you a million times and yet you'd come back for more. Yeah, she was that girl. We'll call her, Rose.

In high school, we were distant friends. In college, I started pursuing her even though she attended a different school. I nearly caught her once or twice. Every time I would declare my hunt to be at a hopeless end, she would throw out a hook and grab me again. Did she do it because she liked the attention? Or did she actually have feelings for me? Maybe she liked the game.

Well, this continued after college. I believe I was even bold enough to declare my love a few times (gee, what girl doesn't want to hear that from a random friend?) but she would always shut me down. She had a boyfriend. She lived too far away. The time just wasn't right.

So one day I decided to give it one last try. One of my clients was having a fancy Christmas party, so I called Rose up and told her that I needed a trophy date. She said yes. Maybe this time I would finally win the game. And I asked her over a month in advance so she couldn't claim to have something else going on that night.

Here's a summary of what happened in the next month:

5 weeks until party:
Rose says that she has to do some traveling for work but should be back long before the party. She's excited to show me the great dress she has for the occasion.

4 weeks until the party:
Her business trip may take longer than expected. She should have details in a few days. But she's still optimistic.

3 weeks until the party:
She doesn't answer when I call. No word from her in a bit. I'm starting to get worried.

2 weeks until the party:
She's now traveling and isn't sure if she'll get back in time, but she promises to let me know at least a week before the party so I have time to find someone else.

1 week until the party:
No word from her yet.

3 days until the party:
She leaves me a voicemail that says "I wanted to talk to you about the party. Call me back" but doesn't say anything about her availability.

At this point, I flip out. I'm pretty sure she was calling to flake out on me again. All of my frustrations, from chasing her for 5 years, come washing over me at once. I am a seething ball of hatred.

I'm just to angry to call her and yell at her so I write an email. And this isn't an ordinary email. I'm determined to make Rose feel as bad as I feel right now. I just unload. I create an artistic masterpiece of abuse. I feel like someone reached in to my chest and ripped out my heart... and my message to her tries to do the same thing.

Then I hit send.

Well, jumping ahead a little, I go to the party alone and everything works out fine in the end.

But about a month later something occurs to me. I never actually found out what she wanted to talk to me about. I don't actually know if she was going to tell me that she wouldn't make it back in time. I never bothered to call and find out.

...and to this day she won't tell me. We aren't really friends anymore. We never will be friends again, I imagine.

I should feel bad about sending that email, and I do... but at the same time I figure that even if she had been able to come to my party then she would have let me down on another day. So that email would have been sent eventually. I consider it good fortune that I was able to break the spell she had on me early enough to move on.

Of course, I learned two very important lessons from this experience.

1. Never act when you're still in the situation. Either try to think objectively, or remove yourself until you can.

2. Be wary of what you type in an email. You can't take those words back. They will exist "on paper" possibly forever.

So please take my advice.

Romanticizing Past Relationships

Once again, TV has taught me a valuable life lesson. And I would like to share it with you all.


When it comes to break-ups, people tend to fall into one of two categories. You either cut that person out of your life or you try to remain friends. I've always gone the "friends" route. My view is that you shared some part of yourself with that person, and created a connection, so there's no reason to let that go to waste. Some of my very close female friends were once my girlfriend.

Understandably, there is a problem that sometimes arises. We've all gone through this. After a relationship ends, you often begin to forget the bad things that happened. You try to focus on the good things. So after a while you think, "Hey why did we break up in the first place?" or "Maybe we should try again." But I would say that 90% of the time this ends in disaster. All those problems will come rushing back the first time you have an argument. No, it's best to let Ex-partners remain in the past.

So what can we do to help prevent this situation? The TV show How I Met Your Mother gave us an answer.

Write a letter to your future self.

Right after a break-up, sit down and write a letter to yourself that details every reason that the two of you broke up. Make sure to place emphasis on all of the bad stuff. Every annoying habit. Just get it all out.

Not only will this serve as good therapy, but it can prevent you from making a big mistake later on in life.

And thus endeth Rob's Relationship Advice of the day.

Dating Advice and Self Revelations

They say that there's an age range for dating. What I mean is that for whatever age you are, you should date members of the opposite sex in a certain range. When you're young, the range is easy. It's generally small, and is marked by major life changes. When you're in high school, you don't date someone in middle school. When you're in college, don't date high school kids. When you enter adulthood, stay away from those college kids. Why? Because you're not living "in the same world." (And if you ARE living in the same world then that's a whole different can of worms).

Now, as we get older, the range grows. I've dated women who were 5 years older than me, and 6 years younger (no, the same woman was not both 5 years older and 6 years younger). I don't really worry about an upper limit anymore, but it's probably in the low to mid 30's. But below me, I have 2 limits. The first is that they have to be a college graduate. I can't date someone who is going to sit there whining about their latest midterm and talk about basement keg parties (god I miss those). The 2nd limit is that they have to be older than my little sister (7 years behind me).

Since beginning this online dating adventure over the summer, I've met women all over that range. And I've learned that just because you are out of college, and have an adult job, doesn't mean that you are an adult (or mature).

Normally, I would launch into a story here... but I don't need to today. Let's just get right to the advice.

One of the biggest rules with dating.... ESPECIALLY online dating... is effective communication. At first, this pertains to responding to emails in a timely manner. But later on it pertains to letting people know how you feel about them. If you want to date someone exclusively then tell them. And if you don't want to date someone anymore, then tell them. You should be honest.

I've told women after a few emails that I just didn't think we would work. And I've told women that I can't see them anymore because I cared about someone else. I've even told women, after a few dates, that I just wasn't attracted to them.

I'd love to say that no one has had to say those things to me.. but of course they have. And it hurts when someone rejects you, for whatever reason. But then at least you have a sense of closure. If you go on a few dates (or even just exchange emails for a while) then drop off the map, then you just leave the other person wondering what happened. Did they say something wrong? Were they not interesting enough?

Just be an adult and rip off the band-aid. It hurts more up front, but heals better in the long run. On a side note, this is the reason that I'm still friends with a lot of my ex-girlfriends.

Now, through all of this, I've learned something about myself. I really hate rejection. I've found that it doesn't happen to me very often. Life generally works out. If I try to date someone then I get them. If I really want to get a job then I get it. I'm not saying that I'm that good... just generally lucky. So when someone actually rejects me, I spend a lot of time wondering why they would possibly do such a thing. Then I spend time figuring out how to get them back. And it may take days or weeks before I realize that this line of thought it stupid. I need to spend some time and figure out why this bothers me so much.

Anyway, that's today's advice. Rip off the band-aid.

No one wants a Jack of All Trades

Ok - I just wrote a long rambling intro to this blog but then erased it (you're welcome). Instead, let's get right to the point.

I don't know how it is for every career, but in IT you have a broad range of areas in which to work. For years I prided myself as a generalist. I could write code (but not well), manage projects (little ones), handle customer support ("did you try turning it off and on again?"), etc. But there was nothing that I was an expert at.

And now I'm finally seeing this as a problem. As you get older, no one wants a generalist. They want people who are really good at something.

So here's my advice. When you get out of college, go ahead and be a generalist. Learn as much about your field as possible. But only do this for 3 to 5 years. By the time you get to the 5 year mark, you need to choose a focus or two. And make sure that it's something that you really like because you're gonna be doing it for the next 40+ years.

My focus is going to be IT Management and Business Analysis. I want to either become a CIO, or a business consultant.

Now that being said, at this point I'd take just about any job that will pay me more than unemployment rates.

(NOTE: I'm not actually unemployed right now. But it's looming over head)

The big O (mission)

Yay more dating advice from rob; a man who can't hold on to a steady relationship!

I know you're all excited.

I'd like to talk about communication in relationships, and when to open up. Now, don't confuse this with the issue of when to tell the truth. I'm talking about when is the appropriate time to reveal things to the person you're dating.

For instance, last night I was watching Scrubs. The Janitor has been on a few dates with a girl and she didn't want to hold hands with him. He was convinced she was about to break up with him and it became a big issue. But by the end of the episode she revealed that she was a germ-a-phobe. So holding hands with someone just freaked her out too much. And she didn't reveal this before because she was afraid that she would have scared the Janitor off.

While that was a funny demonstration, it's a real issue that we all deal with. Everyone has idiosyncrasies, or Skeletons in our closet. So when we get into a relationship we wonder when it's appropriate to reveal these things about us. If you spill your guts too soon then they might get scared and run off. But if you wait too long then it becomes a big deal because you were hiding this thing from them for all that time.

So what do we do? Well, to be honest, I'm not sure. I'd love to say that when you find the right girl then you can just tell them everything.... but that's a load of crap.

However, I think I can tell you something NOT to do. Someone might give you the advice of casually bringing up the "topic" of your secret in conversation. That way you might see how they respond without actually tying it to you.

For example: Let's say that I was a Furry. And I wasn't sure how my girlfried would respond to that. So one day I say something like "A guy I work with likes to dress up as a dog on the weekends and hang out with other people dressed like animals." And then I hold my breath waiting for her response...which would probably be "wow, what a freak."

And you know why she would say that? Because she isn't dating that guy you work with! She's dating you, you idiot!

I guess this is the best advice I can give. Don't spill your guts on the first date. At least wait until you feel like there is enough of a connection that the casual dating could turn into something real. BUT, also make sure that you tell them your secrets before you become too emotionally involved because you want to avoid the whole "violation of trust" issue.

Of course, you could always just get really drunk with the girl right away and spill it all... people tend to take things better when they're drunk.

Can anyone add to my advice?

I love white (teeth) supremacy!

I bet you were all sitting on the edge of your seats for days, waiting on this post. Well wait no longer, dear readers!

Have you ever noticed that everyone's teeth on TV/Film are super perfectly white? Well I notice it. And then I go look in a mirror and become disgusted with myself for having "normal" teeth. And I'll bet they aren't in the "normal" category anymore. Between coffee, red wine, a night guard, and asthma inhalers that shoot yellow dust (seriously, can't they make it white dust??) I have quite a few things yellowing my teeth.

So let's talk about my options:
1. Get professional whitening at the dentist. I go in and they do the whole procedure in a half hour. Then I walk out with perfect teeth. Great! But the cost is over $500.

2. Get the do-it-yourself kit from the dentist. They give me trays and goop and I can get nearly professional results in 2 weeks. Great! But the cost on this one is $300.

3. Get a high-end commercial whitening pack - like Crest White Strips Super Mega Ultimate Edition. In 10 days I'll have great teeth. Not a bad choice. Cost is only like $40 or $50... and cheaper if you want to take out the "mega" or "ultimate" part.

4. Go to Happy Harry's and buy their brand of teeth whiteners. They claim to be comparable to the Crest system and I only have to take it for 7 days. Cost? I got them on sale 2-packs for $25.

...and we have a winner!

I've just finished taking them for the first week. I missed 2 days because I was on a weekend-long date and didn't want to "break the mood". So my results may have varied from the package a bit.

Thank god I have that second pack. I'm taking a few days off and then I'll try taking that. I really wish that I had taken a picture of my teeth before so that I could do some nifty before and after shot.

But so far the results are nice. These things DO work. I definitely recommend them to anyone who feels pressure to be more like a movie star and less like themselves.

Thinking: It's not just for smart people anymore

Lately my blogs have switched from Relationship advice to Life advice. Instead of wondering whether or not I'm capable of love and successful relationships, I wonder what I want from my career and how to get it.

Of course, these things overlap. And thus I feel justified in my tangents.

So here is today's advice: Think before you act.

Yes, you've all heard that advice before. But I think that many people don't really grasp the concept. When you're in a position to act, think about what the desired result is. Then act in a manner that will help move towards your goal. Here's an example.

Do you remember the girl who got engaged, while I was "going on dates" with her? If not, then it's ok... but I curse you for not reading my blogs religiously! ... um... anyway... So I thought that I would never speak to her again. And I don't say that because I hated her... but we only had a connection through dating (no mutual friends or colleagues) so it was safe to assume I would never even randomly meet her again some place.

Well, over the weekend she sent me an email. I'm not going to reveal the topic of her email, because it's not really important (also because the situation that the email created is still happening and I don't like to talk about stuff while it's still going on). I happened to be sitting at my computer when she sent the email and I began typing a response immediately. And then I stopped. I didn't know what I wanted to happen, and so I wasn't sure what to say.

So I spent the next day thinking about what I wanted. Did I want to say something mean and try to hurt this girl? Did I want to open up communication again? Did I want to be nice but make it clear that we are still not talking?

Once I figured out what I wanted, then I was able to effectively respond to her email.

And perhaps my advice shouldn't be "think before you act". Perhaps it should be "always identify the end goal before you act".

It's really that simple. Try it some time.