Warming Up the cupcake conversation

Relationships can be tough. There's a lot to learn, and not a lot of time to do it in. One wrong move and everything crumbles like...well.. like something that's really crumbly.

This is where I come in. Every time my deck of cards falls apart, I stop and think about what went wrong and how I can do it better in the future. Or, in some cases, I learn that some types of women should be avoided at all costs. And if my nugget of wisdom proves to have value then I try to pass it along to my faithful readers (hi trian) so they can avoid my pitfalls.

oh... cookies are crumbly... that would have been a good analogy up at the top there. oh well, maybe next time.

Where was I? Oh right, today's advice. As with all of my advice, I ask you to keep one thing in mind. I have no credibility whatsoever.

If you recall, I had written a post about the "cupcake" conversation (you can read it HERE). It was a way for you to tell your partner that you had something important to talk about without them thinking you were about to break up with them. Well, today it related to that.

If you're like me, then you have a hard time starting these important conversations. It's a delicate thing. You can't just jump in with the main point. You have to ease your way in. Remember, you have been thinking about this topic all day while your partner may be thinking about pizza.

Side note: Pizza is really awesome. Seriously. Probably my favorite food.

So to make sure that everyone is in the correct frame of mind, try warming them up with an opening bit. No, I don't mean like a comedy bit. I mean, think of your topic in the broad sense and talk about it generally before getting down in to specifics. Let's try to come up with an example.

Ok I don't know how well this will work but I'll give it a try.

Let's say that you really love Star Trek. You watch it all the time. You have the "action figures". You even dress up and go to the conventions. But your partner doesn't know this about you. All they know is that you like the show, and you've gotten them to watch it with you a few times.

Now, from past experience, you know that if they aren't cool with you doing all this Trekkie stuff then the relationship just won't last. And you really like them so you want it to last. And you decide that it's time to lay it all out to them and see how they respond.

Here are two ways that you could handle this:

1. Ask your partner to come over. Then answer the door in full Klingon regalia and brandish a bat'le (I think that's the right word... I haven't been a star trek enthusiast for about 15 years). How is that going to end? Possibly with them in therapy... Definitely with you being single.

2. You sit them down and start with an opening conversation about managing expectations. You warm them up with a topic that will get them in the right mindset You say something like this:

"I have a friend who recently moved in with his girlfriend. He had this cool room with all his movie posters and musical instruments and computers and stuff. It was a real man cave filled with the things that he was passionate about. But the moment his girlfriend moved in, she re-claimed the room for herself. She told him that he needed to grow up and forget this old stuff. And a few months later they broke up. They she just never accepted him for who he was and wanted to change him. If she had joined him in some of those interests then maybe they'd be happy today. But it could also be that he didn't properly tell her that he loved those things, so she didn't realize how important they were to him. They didn't manage each others expectations well. So I'd like to talk to you about something in hopes that we wouldn't wind up in that situation..."

Here is where you tell them how much you love Star Trek. Then you follow that up with explaining that you've found, from past relationships, that if your partner doesn't share your interest at all (hates the show, won't go to conventions, dress as an Orion Slave Girl in bed [pulled that one out just for Weng], etc) then the relationship probably won't survive.

You may still crash and burn with this attempt, but it has a much higher chance of working. You set the stage giving an example of someone else who has this kind of problem, and then ease your way in to explaining how important Star Trek is to you. Make sure to also explain that you hope they will go along with this because you really like them... but if they can't do it then you'd rather find out now before it's too late (been married for 10 years and have 3 kids).

So I guess that's really 2 pieces of advice. One, you need to manage expectations and effectively communicate things that are important to you. Two, you need to do it in such a way that it won't blow up in your face.

As always, if you have any questions that need answered, feel free to email me and I'll respond the best I can.

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