You can't plan your memories

One thing I always try to work on is being a perceiver instead of a judger. I try to see the other person's side of things. I try to see why they think what they think. Because once you figure that out, you can better choose your next action.

That's why it's important to remember that our past experiences shape how we perceive events in the future. In layman's terms, we always carry around baggage.

I was watching a movie tonight that is mediocre at best. It's called Bart Got a Room. It's a comedy about a kid who is trying to find a date to his senior prom, but keeps failing. Imagine a PG "family friendly" version of American Pie and that's pretty much this movie. It wasn't very good. And about half way through I started to really dislike it, and almost turned it off. Now, if you know me at all, you know that I almost never turn off a movie. I like to know how something finishes.

So as I began analyzing WHY I was suddenly so unhappy with this movie, it came to me. I hated my prom. And I didn't much like high school. So I'm carrying around this baggage, and it's affecting my opinion of this movie.

Normally, this is where I would launch into my tale of woe. But the problem is that I couldn't start there. I'd have to back up to the girl I was dating. But I couldn't start there either. I'd have to back up to the girl I was dating before that. And then maybe the girl I was dating before that. And before I knew it, I'd be telling you the story of my birth.

In short, it's just too complicated of a story. And it's not really the point.

The point is that whenever you have a sudden negative feeling about something, take a second to find out why you feel that way. Because you may be judging something, or someone, unfairly due to your own prejudice.

And one final thought. There is a line near the end of the movie where the main character says "You can't plan your memories. The best ones just happen." and I thought that was pretty interesting. There are so many moments in our lives that we try to plan down to the letter. But how many of them really work out how we want? And how many of your favorite memories are just these random moments that you didn't see coming?

I think it means we should spend less time planning life, and more time enjoying it.

Thinking: It's not just for smart people anymore

Lately my blogs have switched from Relationship advice to Life advice. Instead of wondering whether or not I'm capable of love and successful relationships, I wonder what I want from my career and how to get it.

Of course, these things overlap. And thus I feel justified in my tangents.

So here is today's advice: Think before you act.

Yes, you've all heard that advice before. But I think that many people don't really grasp the concept. When you're in a position to act, think about what the desired result is. Then act in a manner that will help move towards your goal. Here's an example.

Do you remember the girl who got engaged, while I was "going on dates" with her? If not, then it's ok... but I curse you for not reading my blogs religiously! ... um... anyway... So I thought that I would never speak to her again. And I don't say that because I hated her... but we only had a connection through dating (no mutual friends or colleagues) so it was safe to assume I would never even randomly meet her again some place.

Well, over the weekend she sent me an email. I'm not going to reveal the topic of her email, because it's not really important (also because the situation that the email created is still happening and I don't like to talk about stuff while it's still going on). I happened to be sitting at my computer when she sent the email and I began typing a response immediately. And then I stopped. I didn't know what I wanted to happen, and so I wasn't sure what to say.

So I spent the next day thinking about what I wanted. Did I want to say something mean and try to hurt this girl? Did I want to open up communication again? Did I want to be nice but make it clear that we are still not talking?

Once I figured out what I wanted, then I was able to effectively respond to her email.

And perhaps my advice shouldn't be "think before you act". Perhaps it should be "always identify the end goal before you act".

It's really that simple. Try it some time.

Be the master of your destiny

I'm really torn here between an "advice" theme or a "rant" theme (there was no real reason to put those in quotes). Because on the one hand, I'm really annoyed by a certain group of people, but on the other hand I want to help them. I want to give them hope. I want them to be better people after having read this blog. (gee, full of myself lately?)

I also don't think that adding commentary to my own blog posts helps anyone.

I want to talk about our lives, and where they are going. Because every day we get a little bit closer to dying. Sorry, that's morbid. Let me rephrase. Every day it gets harder to change who we are and what we do.

Side note: I play poker every month with a group of guys who are mostly much older than me. We have players in their 20s, 30s, 40s, and 50s. They're all married, I think, and most have kids. So I love to pick their brains about what life will be like when I'm old. And after wading through the crap (no offense) they did say one thing that I've thought about a lot.

For those of us in our 20s, we have a lot of uncertainty. We wonder what career we'll settle in, What place we'll live in, Who we'll marry some day, etc. We wonder what kind of parents we're going to be. You get the idea.

Well once you get to your late 30s or early 40s, you stop wondering. That uncertainty that plagues us today isn't there anymore. We reach a point where we have made our proverbial bed and all we can do is hope that we're happy sleeping in it. I really thought that was neat. And it's made me think about the decisions I make constantly because some of them will shape the person I'm going to be in 10 years.

But anyway, back to the real point. The message that I'd like to get across is that you need to grab life by the balls and make it your bitch. Pardon my french, but it shows the right connotation.

I know some people who don't like major aspects of their lives. For some it's about their level of physical fitness. For some it's their love life. For many people, it's their job (or lack of job, in this crappy economy). So they sit and complain about the raw deal that life handed them, when what they really need to do is get the fuck up and do something about it.

The moment that you stop blaming the world, and start blaming yourself, everything will look differently to you. Now, I don't mean that everything bad that's happened to you in your lifetime is your fault. When I say "blame yourself" I mean that you should hold yourself accountable for what kind of life you lead. You can't sit around and wait for someone else to make it better. It's up to you.

High up on my list of favorite movies is Fight Club (yeah, me and 90 million other people), and there are a few scenes that really resonate with me. One of them is the Human Sacrifices. The first we see of it is when Brad Pitt and Ed Norton grab an ethnic convenience store clerk and drag him behind his store. With a gun to the man's head, Brad Pitt finds out that the guy wanted to do more with his life (be a veterinarian) but it was just too hard (needed lots of school). So they let the guy live on the condition that within 6 weeks he has to have made progress towards his goal. If he doesn't, then they will kill him.

I think that's what some people need. They need a shock to their system. In Grosse Pointe Blank (my favorite Cusack movie... condon, you bastard) they call it Shakabuku; a swift spiritual kick to the head that alters your reality forever. Because sometimes we just need a push... or someone to believe in us.

Well once you've got the desire to change, then you need a plan. There's nothing worse than trying to accomplish something without first planning how you're going to do it (case in point, most of my blog entries). The method I use is to break up goals into smaller, more manageable, steps. Let's use my current exercising as an example. After being injured and literally sitting on my ass for a few months, I'm in awful shape. I need to drop at least 5% body fat, and gain probably 10lbs of muscle (with some specific weight lifting goals). In the words of Kevin Spacey in American Beauty, basically I just want to look good naked. So how do I do it? Well it's complicated. My goal involves changing my eating habits, and exercise plans. Also, it's a goal that will take me at least a few months to accomplish. So I've broken it down into smaller goals.

1. I've created a stricter eating plan which begins to cut down on bad foods slowly. I find that if I jump into major diet changes then I just wind up binge snacking. So I'm not looking to become a vegetarian or anything over night.

2. I need more discipline when it comes to exercise. So my first goal was to just make sure I went to the gym at least 3 times per week. For the first month all I did was 30 minutes of cardio and then go home. I just wanted to get used to fitting this into my schedule. Now I have been adding some weights to the plan and staying longer. I'm easing in to it.

The point is that you have to make small easy goals in the beginning or you'll get discouraged pretty fast.

So now use this for more in your life. Have financial goals? Grab some spreadsheets and make a plan (I've gotten really good at this so feel free to ask for help). How about your career goals? What do you need to learn or do so that you'll be the boss some day? I've already blogged about how this stuff applies to dating and relationships.

So get out there and do it. Just follow these steps:

1. Identify what you want. Be specific.

2. Make a plan on how to get there.

3. Send me a check for $5

4. Break your plan up into a series of smaller plans.

5. Follow the fucking plan. It's like they say in weight lifting, if you cheat on your sets then you're only cheating yourself.

6. Repeat step 3 if applicable.

Sorry, that was just a little humor I was trying to add at the end. Kind of counterbalancing the profanity and steroid-induced words.

Entitlement is a 4-letter word

Oh boy - this one is gonna move around a bit - so try to keep up.

I'm going to refer to this bit later on - but I think it's interesting so let's do it first. Try this exercise for me. On a piece of paper, draw 3 concentric circles (I'm not sure what concentric means really... but we're drawing a VENN diagram). Label each circle with one of the following:

1. Things I love to do
2. Things I'm good at
3. Things I can get paid to do

Then start filling it in. After a while you will notice that some items fall into multiple circles. For instance, I love to watch movies. I am also good at watching movies. However, I haven't yet found a way to get paid to watch movies... so I can only list this one in 2 out of the 3 circles. Ok I'm going to get back to this later on in the post.

Do you ever think about why you chose your career path? Is it something that you dreamed about doing when you were young? Did it seem like you could make more money in this career than in another job that you may have found more rewarding emotionally?

When you go home at night, do you think about your career - and how you can make yourself better?

See, I'm using the word "career" because it's different than a "job". When you study to gain a skill-set in something, and then plan on doing that in some capacity for a long time - then I would call that a career. Conversely, if you get up at noon and spend your evening saying "would you like fries with that?" then you have a job. But don't fret - people with jobs can keep reading too.

We are the first generation to see college as a necessity. As I was going through high school, they constantly stressed the importance of doing the things that would help me get accepted into the college that I chose. They told me that if I got a degree then I would graduate and enter the work force... and then the money/promotions would start rolling in.

So we went to college, and graduated with our bachelor's degrees, and got jobs. And then we sat in our cubicles and wondered when the big bag of money with our name on it was supposed to get delivered. But it never did. And many of us responded with "What the fuck?!"

And the world says that we have a sense of entitlement. But ya know what I say to the world? It's your fault! (I'm going to avoid even bringing up the paradox I've just created... we simply don't have that kind of time). Let me explain...

50 years ago, most people didn't go to college. They just graduated high school and started working somewhere. So let's say that the promotional ladder in this fake company has 10 rungs. When a person graduated high school he would start at the bottom rung. He would work hard and some day he might make it to middle management (rung 7). Now, some people DID go to college back then. So when they graduated with their fancy business degree they would start working at the company already at rung 5, and jump right past your ignorant parents on the way up.

There are two points I'm trying to make here:
1. Our parents worked HARD because they were never able to work SMART. So today they say we are lazy. Well, we're not... we're just smarter than you.
2. As we grew up, our parents kept telling us that if we went to college then we'd get a great job and make tons of money... because that's what was true back when they were our age! They made us think that we would be handed comfy jobs with big salaries by getting that stupid diploma.

But now we've moved into a new class system. People in the base class all have college diplomas - and they are worth about as much as a high school diploma back in the 50's (except with 80K+ of debt attached). To get into the upper class today you need 2 things: a post-graduate degree, and a passion for your career. Heck, I would even drop the post-graduate degree and just keep the passion part.

The people who get ahead today are the ones who eat, sleep, and breath their career. They are always thinking about how to help their company to better. They spend nights reading up on the latest "methods" so they can be on the forefront of change. They are the ones who have hobbies that are strikingly similar to their career. The best example I can think of is a computer programmer. The programmers I know who are very successful are the ones who go home at night and write programs for fun. Or they read books about the latest languages and standards.

My point is that if you want to make a lot of money and be successful then you had better become passionate about what you do. You need to constantly work at it - day and night.

So let's talk about the 3 overlapping (I know what that word means at least) circles from the beginning of this post. Ideally you want your career to fall into all 3 circles. Most people have careers that fall into 2 of the 3 circles. If your career only falls into the category of "things I can get paid to do" then you need to find a new career.

I think there are a lot of us out there who choose careers before we really know if we like it or not. Society forces us to make life-altering choices without full knowledge of the consequences.

Well anyway, this is the kind of stuff that has been on my mind. See, I have my career. And I have some hobbies which are similar. But then I have some hobbies which are not similar. For instance, I love movies. I love watching them, and talking about them, and would love to make them. I am even currently writing a script (not because I think it would ever make money... I just really wanted to get an idea on paper). So I often wonder if I'm in the wrong business. Maybe I should go to hollywood and make movies, instead.

The other reason I am thinking about this stuff is that we only have so many hours in the day. We can't do it all. We can't have a million hobbies and side-projects. At some point, you have to choose a path. Well lately I've been adding quite a few things to my daily "regime" and it's getting pretty crowded. So I think I need to stop some hobbies.

You should look at yourself for a bit and reflect. Do you like what you do? Are you willing to put in the effort to succeed? Are your hobbies indicating that you are in the wrong career? Or maybe indicating that you have the wrong hobbies?

Or maybe I'm just a complete nut-case who needs to stop whining and writing super long blog posts that don't really go anywhere. Can I get an Amen?

(un)Useful advice from adults

Whenever you watch a family-style movie there's always a scene where a parent gives some sage advice to their child. The kid is going through a major emotional crisis and this advice just magically makes it all better.

The problem with scenes like this is that it makes us believe that we can really do this with our kids. When I was younger I thought about being a father some day and always giving my son important advice to help him as he grows up. Heck, I still think about that. But ya know what? 90% of my advice will be crap that the kid doesn't listen to.

Think about it. How often has someone given you advice that you thought was stupid or inapplicable to the situation? "Sorry your girlfriend broke up with you, Jimmy. But think about it, every relationship you have is destined to failure until you find that right girl to marry." Ok, maybe that's a little extreme. But you get my point.

And this blog post isn't about that. In fact, I'm here to pass on some advice I received that was actually useful.

A majority of the people I know in this world are older than me. My clients, my teammates, the guys I play poker with, etc. So I often find someone trying to pass along a nugget of wisdom. And it's usually crap. Until a few months ago.

I was sitting at the poker table. I forget the conversation but I think I was commenting on the uncertainty of my future (career-wise). In fact, I often find myself uncertain of everything in life. What job do I want. Where do I want to live. What kind of woman do I want to marry. I feel like there are so many choices and directions that it's almost an overload.

And the guys at the table said that this was the one advantage of getting older. They said that by the time you get into your late 30s you don't have that uncertainty anymore (usually). By then most people have gotten married and have kids. They've settled down into a career in a city somewhere. In short, they've made their choices.

So, by then you come to accept that your life has taken one of those proverbial paths. You look forward to improving it, of course... but you're hopefully happy with the direction.

That made me feel better. Because I can't imagine going through the rest of my life always wondering which way to go.