Roommate Ramblings: part 6

My old roommate doesn't always say things that are hilarious. Sometimes he just says things are just plain wrong. I mean the kind of things that you try your best to forget afterwards. So what do I do? I put those fantastic one-liners into my blog :-)

Let me set the stage for this latest perfection in awkwardness.

A few of my old co-workers get together periodically for drinks after work. There were five of us at the table: My old roommate, an ex-female co-worker, another ex-female co-worker and her husband, and myself.

Um, by "ex-female co-worker" I mean a female who used to be my co-worker... and not a co-worker who used to be female. I just thought that would be important to mention.

One of the women is pregnant, so we're all talking about babies and child-birth and .... um.... [snore] sorry I started to nod off while writing this. Let's just say we were talking babies and leave it at that.

The conversation moved to the topic of traditional births versus C-sections, and how the weight of the child factored into the decision. And that's where we enter the conversation...

Nonpregnant Ex-coworker: My little brother was 10 pounds when he came out and my mom didn't have a C-section.

Pregnant Ex-coworker: Oh my god. I don't even want to think about what that would do to your body.

Nonpregnant Ex-coworker: Well, it was her 4th child.

Pregnant Ex-coworker: Oh well that's different. You couldn't do that for a 1st child. But by the 4th...

[My ex-roommate has been sitting there trying to find a way to join the conversation]

Ex-Roommate: Yeah... 4th child... 10 pounds was probably nothin. That kid probably slid right out then.

At this point we all paused to consider the fact that he had just made a comment about the size of the "birth canal" of our friend's mother.

The conversation took a swift turn to a new topic at this point.

And thus endeth today's edition of Roommate Ramblings.

Roommate ramblings: part 5

My Ex-roommate is a married man now. He has officially settled down. He eats healthy meals. He spends his weekends "running errands". He even has his wife pick out his outfits.

So for any married man, there is that occasional event which allows him to revert to his old self. And that event, my friends, is a bachelor party!

Now I certainly can't talk about the things that went on at this special gathering. But there was a quote that I had to write down. Let me set the stage...

We were 3 men, having a bachelor party, at a bar in Atlantic City, watching the Phillies win Game 5. You might think that we would be drinking beer, scotch, or even taking shots. Well you'd be wrong. You see, the bachelor wanted us to try this new drink he'd recently had. It was called a Bellini. It is a glass of champagne mixed with Schnapps. ...And it's served in a wine glass.

Obviously, the bartender started making fun of us. And here's where the quote came in...

Me: "Well could you make it a little more manly... put it in a scotch glass??"

Roommate: "...Make it more manly... put a [penis] in it!"

...sigh... the things my friends say...

Roommate ramblings: part 4

This happened so long ago that I can't even remember if my ex-roommate actually said it. But I'm pretty sure he did. (Though I could be totally wrong here)

We were sitting with some friends talking about food. For some reason we brought up the new Burger King sandwich that had "Angry Onions" on it. Here's a snippet of conversation that followed...

someone: "Why do you think they're Angry Onions?"

roommate: [after considering this question] "Maybe they were raped. I'd be pretty angry if I was raped."


I would normally think that he wouldn't even accidentally say something like this... but this is the same guy who once told a girl that she had a "lot of junk in her trunk" (he was actually looking in the trunk of her car at the time... and it really did have a lot of junk in it). So maybe this really did happen.

Of course, history is relative. The very fact that I've written this down makes it true.

Roommate ramblings: part 3

Ok, so he's not my roommate anymore but I needed to share a quote.

A few of us were at Quizzo on monday night. There was a round where they give you a piece of paper with 10 pictures on it and you need to identify each picture. The common theme was that each picture was something that "sounded dirty". For example, one picture showed Adrian Brody in The Pianist.

Well, there was a picture of a small bird, and our conversation went something like this:

teammate 1: Is it a woodpecker?

teammate2: No, it's too small for that.

me: Could it be a woodcock? Is that a bird?

teammate1: I don't know. But I think it's a "tit" something. Tit Mouse?

me: I think a Tit Mouse is a mouse. Are you sure it's not a woodcock?

teammate1: Well I think it's "tit" something...

roommate: [loudly] Tit Cock! ...sorry... I got nothin.

In the end we stuck with Woodcock, but the answer really was Tit Mouse. Go figure right? Who would name a bird a mouse?

Roommate ramblings: part 2

For the past few weeks, my roommate and I have been engaged in a heated argument about the movie Flight Plan. He thinks that it resembles Panic Room, but I just don't see it. It's Jodie Foster in a tense movie where she has a daughter. Panic room is about men trying to steal money from her Husband. Flight Plan is about Jodie Foster's daughter disappearing on a plane that she designed. (This makes me think of all those people who claim Gladiator was just like Braveheart...which I think is a load of crap)

Well, Apparently Roger Ebert is just as disillusioned as my roommate. He said that Flight Plan bears similarities to Panic Room. So now we argued more. But then my roommate said something that made me finally give in. I'll always know in my heart that the movies are nothing alike....but I won't fight him anymore. This is what he said:

"it's like all the Die Hard knock-offs...Speed: die hard on a bus... Under Siege: die hard on a ship... Schindler's List: die hard in a concentration camp. Well Flight Plan is Panic Room on a plane!"

How could I argue that?

Roommate ramblings: Part 1

I was driving around with my roommate yesterday at lunchtime and we saw the current gas prices. He was really stunned.....so stunned that he said something like this (totally serious):

"That's a 40 cent price increase! This is crazy! It's like the Planet of the Apes or somethin!"

...no, he didn't explain why it was like the Planet of the Apes...

...it's gonna be a fun year :-)

That's all for today. But I'd also like to note that as of today, it has been 6 years since I was last pulled over by a cop and got a ticket.

Everyone have a safe and happy weekend. Try to relax. I know I will.