Dating Advice and Self Revelations

They say that there's an age range for dating. What I mean is that for whatever age you are, you should date members of the opposite sex in a certain range. When you're young, the range is easy. It's generally small, and is marked by major life changes. When you're in high school, you don't date someone in middle school. When you're in college, don't date high school kids. When you enter adulthood, stay away from those college kids. Why? Because you're not living "in the same world." (And if you ARE living in the same world then that's a whole different can of worms).

Now, as we get older, the range grows. I've dated women who were 5 years older than me, and 6 years younger (no, the same woman was not both 5 years older and 6 years younger). I don't really worry about an upper limit anymore, but it's probably in the low to mid 30's. But below me, I have 2 limits. The first is that they have to be a college graduate. I can't date someone who is going to sit there whining about their latest midterm and talk about basement keg parties (god I miss those). The 2nd limit is that they have to be older than my little sister (7 years behind me).

Since beginning this online dating adventure over the summer, I've met women all over that range. And I've learned that just because you are out of college, and have an adult job, doesn't mean that you are an adult (or mature).

Normally, I would launch into a story here... but I don't need to today. Let's just get right to the advice.

One of the biggest rules with dating.... ESPECIALLY online dating... is effective communication. At first, this pertains to responding to emails in a timely manner. But later on it pertains to letting people know how you feel about them. If you want to date someone exclusively then tell them. And if you don't want to date someone anymore, then tell them. You should be honest.

I've told women after a few emails that I just didn't think we would work. And I've told women that I can't see them anymore because I cared about someone else. I've even told women, after a few dates, that I just wasn't attracted to them.

I'd love to say that no one has had to say those things to me.. but of course they have. And it hurts when someone rejects you, for whatever reason. But then at least you have a sense of closure. If you go on a few dates (or even just exchange emails for a while) then drop off the map, then you just leave the other person wondering what happened. Did they say something wrong? Were they not interesting enough?

Just be an adult and rip off the band-aid. It hurts more up front, but heals better in the long run. On a side note, this is the reason that I'm still friends with a lot of my ex-girlfriends.

Now, through all of this, I've learned something about myself. I really hate rejection. I've found that it doesn't happen to me very often. Life generally works out. If I try to date someone then I get them. If I really want to get a job then I get it. I'm not saying that I'm that good... just generally lucky. So when someone actually rejects me, I spend a lot of time wondering why they would possibly do such a thing. Then I spend time figuring out how to get them back. And it may take days or weeks before I realize that this line of thought it stupid. I need to spend some time and figure out why this bothers me so much.

Anyway, that's today's advice. Rip off the band-aid.

Adventures in online dating #1

One of my friends has a blog which is devoted mainly to crazy dating stories (or at least that's her trend). And since I haven't blogged in a while I thought it might be a good topic for me to venture in to (since I never blog about love and relationships...)

As all my readers know, I haven't been in a serious relationship for over a year. First, I became single. And then I wrote about the post-relationship healing process. Along the way I dated some women and had a funny story or two. I've had summer flings, and winter flings. But somewhere along the way I decided that it was time to stop "playing the field". I was ready to find Ms. Right, instead of Ms Right Now.

Now, I've already written about this moment; the moment where I was ready to be in a relationship again. Of course, the issue is that there aren't lines of women waiting anxiously for me to make this declaration. I needed to go out and find them.

...And so I did.

In the past month, I've written MANY messages to women on a dating site. I get about a 30% response rate. And out of those 30%, maybe 10% are interesting enough to talk to for more than one or two messages. THEN, an even smaller percentage turn into a face-2-face meeting. Basically I'm saying that for every 20 or 30 messages I sent out, I would eventually meet 1 of those women.

So far I've met 3. One of them became "just a friend". Another was fun, but I don't know if we'll see each other again. The third woman seemed to show real promise.

And here's where the point of my blog post comes in.

I hate dating more than one person at a time. I feel like you don't give either person a real chance because you're dividing your efforts between them.

And that's a problem when I've been on dates with 2 women and may potentially meet more in the future. I can't just say to these women "I like you, but I went on a date with someone else and I want to see where that's going first. So hang around and if that strikes out then I'll call you again." Life doesn't work that way. Women don't just sit around waiting for us.

So I'm faced with all these issues. How attached can I become to any one woman? How long can I date someone before I decide they pass or fail? How do I know from just a few dates whether or not they can be a good partner for me? Are any of them reading this blog post right now and planning on dumping me?

If anyone has good dating advice then feel free to share...